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Top Ten Reason the Dispensationalist Did Not Cross the Road

10. Thought he would be raptured before he got there anyway.

9. Thought that the other side was for the ‘Israel’, and this side was for the ‘church’.

8. Charles Ryrie was still on this side of the road, why cross?

7. Thought it was pointless since Jesus was just going to bring him back after 7 years.

6. Like the OT prophets and the church age, he was unable to see the other side.

5. He was afraid that if he went, there would be nothing to restrain the man of lawlessness.

4. He was not a part of the dispensation of ‘crossing’.

3. Dallas Theological Seminary hadn’t yet published anything telling him how to do it.

2. Thought there was a two thousand foot gap between the 69th and 70th step.

1. By taking a consistently literal approach, he thought that ‘cross the road’ meant something about the crucifixion.

That was great. And you all thought I was not wear bells of equal opportunity.

I guess we should work on the Charismatic more now?

Join us in reclaiming the mind for Christ. Start The Theology Program in your church.

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Top Ten Reasons the Reformed Theologian did not Cross the Road

(Thanks to Reforming and CMM for their help in the comment of the last post.)

Top ten reasons why the Reformed Theologian did not cross the road:

10. A woman already crossed, and he would be in sin if he followed

9. The road is not safe if it wasn’t built between 1500-1700 AD

8. He believes that “road crossing” has ceased

7. The crossing guard was only helping people cross from one side, so he suspiciously thought he was denying double pre-destination

6. Romans 9 says nothing about crossing roads

5. The “Walk” sign was gender neutral

4. The road was called Tiber Ave

3. John Wesley said that God’s prevenient grace would pave the way, but he had to take the steps himself

2. He wasn’t elected to cross before the foundation of the road

1. Piper said that God is most glorified when we are most satisfied where we are

Now we just need one for Evangelicals, Fundamentalist, and Arminians. Care to take a stab?

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Top ten reasons why the emerger didn’t cross the road?

The Kruse Kronicle wrote a brilliantly funny post about why the emerging chicken did cross the road, so I thought that I would write why the emerger did not cross the road.

10. Because he did not want to be labeled.

9. Because he was not absolutely certain that he could cross since in order to get to the other side, you would have to go half way, and in order to go half way, you would have to go half way to the half way, and in order to go half way to the half way, you would have to go half way, ad infinitum.

8. Because it was not a labyrinth shaped road.

7. Because only arrogant people cross roads. 

6. The liquor store was on his side. ( :) Come on, lighten up!)

5. Because they don’t ordain women or homosexuals to street preaching on the other side.

4. Because everyone crosses the road, it must be wrong.

3. Because to cross the road you have to go West.

2. Because it was a one-way street.

1. Because he did not want to be accused of J-Mac-ing.

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Top Twenty Signs You are Taking this Emerging Thing Too Far

Or “Top Twenty Signs you are moving from emerging to Emergent!”

Now maybe you will appreciate this more (I have made a few changes).

20. You only curse around fundamentalists.

19. You leave your church because the sermon was not obscure enough.

18. You refer to your local assembly as “church,” “synagogue,” or “mosque” depending on who you are talking to.

17. Your blog is a rant about how everyone else rants too much.

16. You brag that you have never been pinned down theologically on any issue.

15. The only thing you are sure of is that others cannot be sure of anything.

14. You bring your own wine to communion.

13. You are offended when someone says they are going to Preach the Gospel†or “Teach the truth†believing they should just “Tell a story.
12. Instead of a tract, you carry a can of Play-doh in your back pocket.

11. Your website links to Green Peace and the Democratic National Convention just because conservatives are against it.

10. You start a Christian blog, but leave it blank, fearing that you might offend someone.

9.You are not any good at art, yet you continue to present the Gospel by painting stick figures on recycled paper.

8. When you present the Gospel, Heaven is renamed The Matrix and you call Christ Neo.

7. Your church caters from Whole Foods.

6. Every sermon illustration begins with The other night I was drinking a beer and . . .

5. You have yet to read the book of Romans believing Paul was too modern in his thinking.

4. Your car has a bumper sticker that reads I think my boss is a Jewish carpenter but I can’t know for certain.

3. You don’t worship on Sundays because everyone else does.

2. You evaluate truth by asking how many people hold to it. If it is too popular, then it is wrong.

1. When someone calls out your name you get angry saying, “Don’t label me.”

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Top Ten Lesser Known Arguments for the Existence of God

For those familiar with Christian apologetics you will know of the long standing arguments that are often employed to argue for the existence of God.

The Kalaam Cosmological Argument impossibility of an infinite regress of physical causes and effects.

The Teleological Argument The glaring evidence of design within the universe, the world, and the human body (not just the “appearance of design” as Richard Dawkins asserts to his embarrassment).

The Moral Argument That mankind is governed by an objective morality that with which we seem to innately identify.

The Ontological Argument This one is tough - God is the greatest conceivable being therefore because we can conceive of Him, it stands to reason He does in fact exist.

Well seeing as how the above arguments are quite convincing it is understandable that the lesser known arguments go unused and even unnoticed.

It is often said that the best way to go about the study of God is by studying man. I feel that the arguments listed below accurately reflect the human condition and subsequently point to something outside of ourselves to which we often appeal. So I think they are at least worthy of consideration.

10. The Road Rage Argument That more people not succumbing to road rage is evidence of God existence. That I don’t succumb to road rage personally is evidence of His existence. Have you ever been stuck behind a long line of soccer moms creeping along in their SUVs drinking Starbucks and talking on their cell phones in Peachtree City? Oh I have, and the fact that I haven’t climbed out of my vehicle (Dukes of Hazzard style) to pummel them is evidence that God exist. (Evidence of common grace as well but I digress…)

9. The Stop Looking at Me Argument again, this is to do with mankind’s ability to constrain their wrath. How many times a day has a mom or dad heard one of their children say to another “Stop looking at me”? It isn’t simply the words said but the sound that accompanies it. A sound which echoes throughout the house or car with such volume, that it has been know to draw blood from even the most resilient ear drum. That parents don’t lose their sanity completely from such things is evidence that God exists.

8. The Stop Touching Me Argument - this mimics The Stop Looking at Me Argument. (These two can be used interchangeably.)

7. The Post Office Argument Standing in line at the post office as apathetic postal workers shuffle back and forth at a sloth like pace can try even the most patient of souls. That we can do this and still avoid jumping on the counter and wrapping their heads with packing tape and bubble wrap whilst screaming WHY ARE YOU SO SLOW is evidence God exist.

6. The Hammered Thumb Argument at one point or another when one is engaging in their woodworking hobby, or hanging a picture, or taking the DIY approach to home improvement, they will invariably hit their thumb with a hammer. Upon this happening assent is always given to God to where His very name is called out. Moreover God is petitioned with a request to send damnation upon the situation. Not only does this evidence God’s existence it displays an inherent knowledge that God has the ability to damn things.

5. The How Did They Miss That? Argument it would seem that even the most harden atheist finds himself looking upward when viewing (insert name of any given sporting event here) as to ask “why?!!” when a ball is fumbled, or a player fouls out, or gets the red card, or the clock runs down in the final game of the season leaving them with the harsh realization that they have to wait yet another year for it to be “there year”. One looks up as to ask God, why did this happen. Is their no justice? The involuntary action of looking upwards for the answers points to God being there. He is there and He is not silent. (Not silent because He is laughing at the horrible defense in the game.)

4. The Britney Spears Argument upon seeing the latest footage of Britney Spears on the news the words “Oh My God” are often spoken. This is not only an argument for God’s existence but one against Deism as the phrase “Oh My God” contains the possessive pronoun my which indicates a relational aspect between God’s existence and our own.

3. The Dial-Up Argument For those in this world still on a dial-up internet connection, (yes I know you are out there and maybe reading this albeit 15 hours after clicking on the link that led to this blog) prayers to God for it (anything) to download faster are often heard. In some way people are aware of God’s sovereign hand on all situations, including sluggish downloads on slow internet connections and they plead with Him for whatever it is to hurry up already!

2. The Windows Argument this argument became somewhat outmoded when XP was introduced. However in a bygone era called B.XP (Before XP), the PC user would routinely be met with the now infamous “Blue Wall of Death” and end up calling out God’s name. And like those exampled in the Hammered Thumb Argument requests for damnation (on their computer [and Bill Gates]) were frequent.

*** With the advent of Vista however this argument is now more relevant than ever. Nothing works with Vista, and God is frequently called upon as a result. Requests for damnation at an all time high…

1. The Maxwell House Argument This is probably my favorite argument. I once heard Greg Koukl I believe it was say that he is an atheist before his first cup of coffee. I can certainly identify with such a statement. I think coffee governs a lot of the situations found within the other arguments. So it is my contention that because coffee exist therefore God exist. “I drink, therefore I AM’.

These are just a few of the lesser known arguments for the existence of God. If you find that you have exhausted all efforts in presenting the more popular (as in the reasonable and sound arguments) from the former list, then go for the absurd with the latter.

Godspeed to you all!

Carrie Hunter

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Top Ten Reasons I am a Chauvinist

In response to Ruth’s “Top Ten Reasons I am a feminist,” I thought that I would have some fun with one of my own.

10. I like to smoke cigars.

9. I am a completmentarian and by default that what we are supposed to be.

8. The woman made me do it.

7. If Jesus and Paul were here today, they would be smoking a cigar with me.

6. God’s name is masculine.

5. I don’t like pink.

4. If it weren’t for women, lust would not be an issue (for most :-D )

3. Jack Bauer.

2. The thought of Hilary as president.

1. My wife thinks its a turn on (yeah right!)

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Top Ten (More) Signs You Might be Taking this Emerging Thing a Little TOO Far

Well, I am not just trying to just pick on the Emerging church (especially since I am always being accused of being a part of it!), but I wrote the original ten as twenty. I did not want the last ten to go to waste. In fact, I think they may be better than the first ten! 

10. You start a Christian blog, but leave it blank, fearing that you might offend someone.
9. You are not any good at art, yet you continue to present the Gospel by painting stick figures on recycled paper.
8. When you present the Gospel, Heaven is renamed The Matrix and you call yourself Neo. Continue Reading »

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Top Ten Signs You are Taking this Blogging Thing Too Far

I thought that I would continue with the blogging fun. Here are the top ten signs that you are taking this blogging thing TOO far. 

10. You blog on blogs.
9. Your username on other blogs is one of the following: blogforhim, semperblogging, jediblogger, blogaphobia.
8. You send the XML of your own blogs to your PDA

Continue Reading »

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Top Ten Signs You Might be Taking this Emerging Thing a Little TOO Far

10. You only curse around fundamentalists.

9. You leave your church because the sermon was not obscure enough. Continue Reading »

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Top Twenty Theological Pick-up Lines NOT to use

Seeing as how I used to be a singles pastor, I thought that I would give you some of the tips that I gave my singles on how NOT to lure the right one to your side. (Thanks to Carrie for her help!)

20. ”I am not overweight. The word ‘glory’ in Hebrew is kabod which according to HALOT literally means ‘heaviness.’ The Bible also says that we are to reflect God’s glory. Therefore, I am just doing what the Bible says.” Continue Reading »

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Top ten things the God of Open Theism Might Say

Here is a great post from my friend Bob Practico at Sojourn Huntsville Church. I love #10 (in an irenic sort of way ;)) Continue Reading »

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