Dear Angie,

We just passed the 6 year anniversary of your death. I guess it was the evening of January 4, 2004 (that is what the medical examiner said), but Kristie (your sister, not my wife) thinks it is January 5 because that morning her back door blew open. Remember, she had Drew that night. She says you came to see him one last time. I told her that was dumb, but she really holds on to that. Anyway, who cares, right?

We all really miss you. There is a certain amount of darkness that follows us everywhere we go. I suppose that this “cloud” (isn’t that what you always called it?) will be with us until Christ. I have a hard time as I often wonder if I am wallowing in self-pity because of what you did and because of mom. It was just such a short period of time to have lost you both. But I really can feel sorry for myself. It’s funny because the week after you died (or maybe it was the weekend before), Chuck preached on Joshua. It was when Joshua was taking over for Moses after Moses had died. God told Joshua (to paraphrase), “Moses my servant is dead, now you must lead my people.” You know how Chuck is. Very straight forward, matter of fact, with that deep low voice? He said, “Let me be frank. Some of you are wallowing in pity over someone who has died. MOVE ON! They are dead, you are not! I don’t mean to be insensitive, but some of you need to get on with God’s mission.” It was something like that. I really needed to hear it, but so often I cannot get over it. I have learned to live with it, but none of us can get over it.

Angie, I don’t really know where you are. I think you are with the Lord. I hope that you are with the Lord. But you remember all those times before you died that you asked me about whether or not there really was a God. Remember driving back from Oklahoma City and we went through the five options? 1) Nothing created everything. 2) Chance created everything. 3) Everything came from nothing. 4) Everything is eternal. 5) An eternal God created everything. (That actually made it into my Trinitarianism course!) Just the very fact that I had to try to persuade you that God existed scared me. You used to call me in the early nineties when you could not sleep and ask me the same thing. You were mad at him for not answering your prayers about your sleeplessness. That was the first time I felt like a pastor, since you called me to ask me about it. Anyway, you seemed so full of doubt and unbelief before you died. Remember when you were upstairs at our house crying and angry that God would not take away your depression? You used me as your “God punching bag” (remember, I would always say to you and mom, “Just because I am in ministry, does not mean that I am your punching bag for God”). You said that you did not even believe in him any more. For the last month, you went really cold toward everything. That is why I don’t like to ask where you are. I do, however, tell everyone that you died with Chuck’s Day by Day book in front of you. I think you are with him.

There is just so much to say…

(BTW: I was encouraged to write this “grief letter” to you and share it. So that is what I am doing.) Continue Reading »

I heard the song on the radio today. “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan. I hate that song. Every time it comes on, I change it. I usually don’t run from such pain, but I can’t . . . not that song. We played it at the funeral. “In a cold dark hotel room . . .” How did Sarah know? But I listened to more than usual; more than I should have.

My children are 10, 8, 6, and 2.  I wish so much that they had a chance to know Angie better. Katelynn, my oldest, knew her pretty well. Kylee a little. Their memories, I’m sure,  are quickly fading. Will was just two months old when she died. Zach was not born.

I often talk to them about Angie. I recount how much she loved them. I tell about how much I loved her. If I keep her memorialized with my children, she seems to be still a part of my life.

“Daddy, how did Angie die?”

This is the dreaded question that I get ever so often. I don’t really know what to say. What a horrible thing for children to hear were I to tell them the truth. Therefore, for now, it is sufficient to say, “She died of sadness.” My kids are usually satisfied, but not lately. Will will not let me off the hook. He is five and very persistent. “How does someone die of sadness?” He asks. “I don’t know,” I respond, “they just get really, really sick.” “But how do they die?” “I don’t know, it just causes them to die.”

I don’t think I am lying to my kids. In fact, I think that it is the most accurate way to put it. She did die of sadness. She just got so, so sad that she did not feel as if she had another choice. The gun she shot was not pointed toward herself, it was pointed toward the sadness that was in her head. She just wanted it to stop and all the pills and positive thinking were not as powerful as the bullet. She killed the sadness and her body was a casualty of friendly fire. Continue Reading »

Here is an email question that I just received with the response to follow:

Good Afternoon:
I am writing to you under emotional pangs, as I wrestle with the Scriptures, and what I hear from certain others who are Christian.

The husband of a friend of mine committed suicide. My friend, I know well, and her love and defense of the Scriptures. But I only know of her husband’s belief by what she tell me, and his attendance to church. She said he prayed a lot and loved God, her and their children.

But he yielded to suicide. And from what I understand, this was a long term fight to avoid that. He subsequently said he was going for walk, and he was found in a park, after shooting himself.

Here is a man who “claimed” to love Jesus, but his actions to me, deny his having made Jesus Lord and Master over his life. Rather, he must have had Satan as master.

I used to believe in “free will” but after a long study of the Sovereignty of God, I changed my mind. That study took several years. So I can’t say this man had free will unless he remains outside of God’s Lordship, where he does what the flesh does…. denies the power, promises, and love that God has living within us.

The pastor at the services said what my friend said, he is in heaven, due to the Grace of God.

But how can a person be tempted to kill himself then actually follow through with it, if he has Life in him? And Hope. These reign over Death and Hell.

My Response

Thanks for the questions. These are very good questions, and necessary to struggle with.

You said: “But how can a person be tempted to kill himself then actually follow through with it, if he has Life in him?”

How could David have killed Uriah? How could Peter have denied Christ. How could John have fallen down and worshiped an angel? How could Paul struggle with sin the way he does in Roman 7? Why would Paul exhort Christians to “walk in the spirit and therefore not carry out the deeds of the flesh” if it was a foregone conclusion that Christians cannot walk in the flesh? How could the Galatians (whom Paul considers “brethren”) have turned back toward the law after knowing Christ? How could the Corinthians live as spiritual babes, living in strife, jealously, and envy? Continue Reading »

Congratulations to Shaun Sells. His post was selected for our "Friday Night is Yours" blog post. -CMP]

Suicide from a Biblical Perspective for the Surviving Family Member.

Introduction.

The purpose of this is to bring comfort to the surviving family members of one who has commited suicide by bringing to light God’s perspective from the scriptures. It is my hope that any who read this will recognize three things:

1. Godly people in scripture were tempted by suicide, and some committed suicide.
2. Suicide is not an unforgivable sin.
3. You are not responsible for the actions of this person.

Biblical Examples of Those Tempted by Suicide.

Job wished he had never been born:

“Let the day perish on which I was to be born,
And the night which said, ‘A boy is conceived.” (Job 3:3)

“Why did I not die at birth,
Come forth from the womb and expire?” (Job 3:11)

Jesus was tempted by the devil to jump off a building:

“Then the devil took Him into the holy city and had Him stand on the pinnacle of the temple, and said to Him, “If You are the Son of God, throw Yourself down; for it is written,
‘HE WILL COMMAND HIS ANGELS CONCERNING YOU’; and
‘ON their HANDS THEY WILL BEAR YOU UP,
SO THAT YOU WILL NOT STRIKE YOUR FOOT AGAINST A STONE.’”
Jesus said to him, “On the other hand, it is written,
‘YOU SHALL NOT PUT THE LORD YOUR GOD TO THE TEST.’” (Matthew 4:5-7)

Biblical Examples of Suicide.

Ahithophel, a counselor to king David:

“Now when Ahithophel saw that his counsel was not followed, he saddled his donkey and arose and went to his home, to his city, and set his house in order, and strangled himself; thus he died and was buried in the grave of his father.” (2Samuel 17:23)

Samson kills himself after realizing his sin, but is still named in the Hall of Faith (Hebrews 11:32):

“Samson grasped the two middle pillars on which the house rested, and braced himself against them, the one with his right hand and the other with his left. And Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines!” And he bent with all his might so that the house fell on the lords and all the people who were in it. So the dead whom he killed at his death were more than those whom he killed in his life.” (Judges 16:30)

Judas after realizing his betrayal would lead to Jesus death:

“Then when Judas, who had betrayed Him, saw that He had been condemned, he felt remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, saying, “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.” But they said, “What is that to us? See to that yourself!” And he threw the pieces of silver into the temple sanctuary and departed; and he went away and hanged himself.” (Matthew 27:3-5)

Jesus allowed himself to die for our sins:

“For God has not destined us for wrath, but for obtaining salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us, so that whether we are awake or asleep, we will live together with Him.” (1Thessalonians 5:9-10)

Is Suicide the Unforgivable Sin?

NO! Scripturally speaking, the only unforgivable sin is refusing a relationship with Jesus Christ. Salvation is a gift of God’s grace, and has no basis in the works (whether good or bad) of the man or woman of God. Scripture is very clear on the way to salvation.

“…that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.” (Romans 10:9-10)

When people speak of the unforgivable sin they are referencing Jesus in Matthew 12:31-32. In reality I believe that this passage can bring great hope to the believer. Lets see exactly what this passage says:

“Therefore I say to you, any sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven people, but blasphemy against the Spirit shall not be forgiven. Whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man, it shall be forgiven him; but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit, it shall not be forgiven him, either in this age or in the age to come.” (Matthew 12:31-32)

From the reading of this passage you can see that the sin that will not be forgiven is blasphemy (slander) of the Holy Spirit. In the greater context you can see that the Holy Spirit was doing great things through the ministry of Jesus, but the Pharisees were saying it was the work of Beelzebul the ruler of the demons (Matthew 12:24). They were calling the work of the Holy Spirit the work of Satan! Jesus says that is unforgivable. But, did you catch the exciting thing that Jesus said at the beginning of verse 31?

“Therefore I say to you, any sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven people…” (Matthew 12:31a)

Any sin can be forgiven – even suicide.

Who is Responsible?

Many times family members of those who commit suicide believe that they bear some guilt or shame because of their family members choice. This is not true, each person is responsible for their own sin. The Bible points this out in the law:

“Fathers shall not be put to death for their sons, nor shall sons be put to death for their fathers; everyone shall be put to death for his own sin.” (Deuteronomy 24:16)

I have been reading Sam Storms Sign’s of the Spirit in preparation for this Thursday’s Converse with Scholars. Signs of the Spirit is an interpretation of Jonathan Edwards’ Religious Affections. Considering my last post on the often devastating legacy that suicide leaves, I found it interesting to read about Edwards’ account of the first wave of the First Great Awakening, the eighteenth century revival, and its ensuing end.

While it is hard to explain exactly what, from a human standpoint, caused the revival to begin, it is just as difficult to give reasons for its demise. Edwards gives his own account. From Dr. Storms’ book:

Although the history of revival reveals that no two outpourings were precisely the same, they do share one thing in common: they all came to an end. Edwards noted that “in the latter part of May, it began to be very sensible that the Spirit of God was gradually withdrawing from us, and after this time Satan seemed to be more let loose, and raged in a dreadful manner. ” One event seemed to Edwards to hasten the demise of religion: a man, from a family prone to depression (what Edwards called “melancholy”), committed suicide by cutting his throat. “The devil took the advantage, and drove him into despairing thoughts. ” [The man was in fact Joseph Hawley, Edwards' uncle.] The impact of this on the community was devastating:

“After this,” Edwards tells, multitudes in this and other towns seemed to have it strongly suggested to them, and pressed upon them, to do as this person had done. And many who seemed to be under no melancholy, some pious persons who had no special darkness or doubts about the goodness of their state . . . had it urged upon them as if somebody had spoke to them, Cut you throat, now is a good opportunity. Now! Now!“

I found it interesting that Edwards tells that this man came from a family prone toward depression. This was Edwards’ family. Edwards himself, what most would call “the greatest theologian America has produced to date,” struggled with depression.

I also, obviously,was drawn to Edwards’ assessment of the effect of his uncle’s suicide upon the community. “The impact of this on the community was devastating” as Edwards puts it.

The devastating effects of suicide cannot be ignored. A person is 2 1/2 times more likely to commit suicide if they have a family member who has done so. If this is the case, I am sure that the likelihood of depression increases dramatically as well.

God’s grace can and has certainly overcome those effects in many individuals, families, and communities, but often they play themselves out as God permits.

There have been few times when I feared for my life—I mean really feared for my life. I remember one time more than any other. It was the day that I found Angie, my sister, with a gun in a hotel room. It was a miracle that I found her before she had a chance to use it on herself. On the way home in my car, I drove as my sister cried. It was not a sad cry of repentance but a cry of anger and despondence. Her dejection and frantic embitterment caused me to lock the doors so that she would not jump out of the car while driving. “Why did you come?” She screamed at me.” Don’t you understand? I have to die!” I tried to stay silent and concentrate on the road. It was not safe on I-35 that day. I imagined her reaching over and pulling the steering wheel sending us both into an overpass. I really thought that she would. I tried to fight back the tears as her pain created great empathy for her death. By this time in the story, I almost wished that I had not found her. I almost wished that I let her take her life.

This was the argument that she had made to me many times over. “Michael, no one will care. . . . At least everyone will soon get over it. All of your lives will return to normal soon. But my pain will be over.” We, my mother and sisters, would try to respond telling her that the pain that she has now will be multiplied to all of us if she were to die. “Is that what you really want?” we would ask. She did not believe us.

Suicide is a form of death that cannot be likened to any other. There are many tragic ways to die, but to be at a point where one is willing to take their own life—when the fear of living becomes greater than the fear of death—has no comparison. To have a loved one who commits suicide produces sadness, pain, and guilt that rivals the pain of the one who commits it. “What did I do wrong?” “Why couldn’t I save her?” “Why couldn’t it have been me?” These are all common thoughts of those who have experienced such in their lives.

My mother was the first to go. She tried to be strong during the first few months after Angie’s death, but we could all tell that consolation was far from her. The guilt of a mother, justified or not, is incredible in such situations. Her relationship with God, while present, was somewhat apathetic. “I will follow him, but I don’t like him,” she would say to me. She never slept. She laid on the couch all night long with the TV on. She would cry often, but try to be strong around us. She just wanted to be with Angie.

After two years, her health was not good. While her mother, my grandmother, has lived into her nineties, sorrow was attempting to take my mom’s life early. She would have been happy for it to have defeated her, but such was not the case. Sorrow only took half of her. She suffered from an aneurysm and an ensuing stroke in 2006. While few people survive a brain aneurysm, my mother did. The doctors said that it was the worse one he had seen in 25 years of surgery. They had to remove much of the frontal lobe. She may have been okay had not a stroke followed due to the blood around her brain. When all was done, when sorrow had run its course on my mother’s body, she had lost speech, her right eye sight, and she was completely immobile on her right side. She cannot walk, talk, and we still wonder how much she knows. All day long she sits in a chair in her living room watching the same movies over and over. While she can sing an entire song, she cannot put a sentence together and she seems pretty disconnected to what is going on around her.

My father was next. Guilt. Guilt of a father who did not really know his daughter. Guilt of a father who did not rescue her from her pain. Guilt of a father who was the last one to see her walk out the door. Guilt of a father who thought that things would just turn out positive like they always have. Shortly after Angie’s death, my dad began drinking again. He just drowned himself in his sorrow. Self-pity is an alluring friend. Within two years he had three DUIs.

Mom’s aneurysm was more than he could bear. She was everything to him. He is now the babysitter of his wife, worried only about changing her diaper and restarting the movie when it ends. He escapes by drinking. With his last DUI the threat of prison was alleviated for a time by a sympathetic judge who told him to “get home and take care of your wife.” This has not slowed him down. The thought of death or prison seem to accomodate his pain. I don’t know how I would handle the situation, so please don’t sense any judgment on my part. I have none. But as the situation stands, he is not well. As he would say “it is what it is.” But what “it is” is terribly tragic. Though he lives, he has died. He only needs his body to catch up with his spirit. Mom said that he had a death wish after Angie’s death. He now has two. Not fearing jail or death, my father is lost to sorrow.

My two other sisters have their own stories, but, today, they remain strong. This has brought us closer together, but death is a stench that creates the background to all our conversations. We simply wait for the next movement of pain.

Angie said that we would all move on. She said that we would all forget about it and be fine. Angie, you were wrong. Your suicide left a legacy of pain that has played itself out in a terrible way. God’s merciful hand is the only way for it to cease, but we may not see such in this life. Angie, you were wrong. After four years, you were wrong.