If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

It is one of those nights where someone should take the computer away from me, shut the internet down, and relieve me of all rights to this blog. Maybe there will be a miraculous advent and this post, after I hit submit, will vanish into the netherlands of cyberspace lost forever. Then I will just say phooey, and go back to sleep. (That has happened many times before).

I remember when I was twelve years old, God peeked out of the shroud of experiential darkness. This is going to sound silly to a lot of you, but it was special to me nevertheless. I was at the Quail Creek Elementary School Carnival. All the kids went back to it after “graduating” elementary school for years (to show how cool the “post-grads” were). Each year they had a cake-walk. You know . . . where you walked around a circle of 36 numbers while music played. When the music stopped, you stopped. If you were on the number that they called, you won a cake. At that point in my life, I had never won anything that I can remember, but I wanted to win this cake so bad. So I prayed. “Dear God, if you are listening, please show me by allowing me to win this cake. Amen.” Music played. I walked. Music stopped. I stopped. They called out “32.” I looked down. I was on 32. Wow! It was something special. God made me win the cake walk. He really did care! He really was there. The next year, same time, same place, same prayer. And you know what? I won again. It was unbelievable to this now 13 year old kid. God was on my side!

I once heard someone say that God is often more evidently present in your life when you are a young Christian. I don’t have any biblical reason to believe that is true at all. However, recently it seems that God does often hide and he is hard to find.

God first seemed to be AWOL the day my sister died. Our family had yet to be touched with any significant grief. I was always the optimist, being the first to see the good in everything. I changed my life in the mid-nineties. It stuck. I was on a spiritual high through seminary. When things seemed to be going south in any way for anyone, I was the go-to guy because I knew God was present, even in evil. Everything in my life and career seemed as if God’s providential guidance was so present that if you took a picture of me and looked at the negative, you would see a clear picture of God’s hand over my head.

Immediately, after Angie died, I still took the road less traveled. When my mother had her aneurysm and stroke and lay in a nearly total incapacitated state, I became a bit confused. The miracle of her life being spared soon turned into a curse of pain, suffering, and heart-ache beyond anything her death could have hoped for.

It was very hard to see God in this. It is still hard to see God in it four years later. The change I had hoped it would bring about in dad has not been realized. In fact, I think he is worse off than anyone and it hurts to think about. So much so, I can barely stand to call him anymore. There are many other terrible details that follow here that I will not mention due to confidence. Suffice it to say that there has been a snowball effect of trouble that does not relent.

However, as I wrote at this time, I was still optimistic: it was raining in the front yard and sunny in the back. In short, while things in my family were very tough and God seemed to be hiding, things in the ministry could not be better. I took heart at what God was doing. Continue Reading »

Please note, I have added to the post to clarify. See the parenthetical addition in italics.

So many times I want to throw in the ministry towel and be “normal”—to have a normal job with normal responsibilities. 

Maybe some of you out there know what I mean. Love, joy, peace, patience…you know the rest. Sometimes I simply don’t have those things. I can’t find them. There are periods of my life where ministry seems so natural. It seems to flow from me. It is a part of who I am. To teach a class, write a blog, preach a sermon, envision new project, these are some of the things that I love to do. I can’t help it. Sometimes . . .

But then you are in ministry and you are committed to these things. They are your life. They are a daily responsibility.

8-11am: Study and pray

11am-12pm: Encourage staff. Set direction for ministry. Give assignments. Set ministry priorities responsibilities.

1-3pm: Write a blog that encourages and educates Christians in the faith.

3-5pm: Develop new courses on theology, discipleship, and prepare to teach/preach.

6-9pm: Teach, encourage, exhort in truth, grace, love, and righteousness (repeat every Tuesday and Wednesday, and some Sunday mornings)

All day: sporadically respond to emails and phone calls from people who need encouragement and exhortation in the faith with gentleness, respect, grace, love, and conviction (and don’t fake it!)

 The most troublesome times in my life are when I don’t feel like doing these things but I have to anyway. Why don’t I feel like it? Because I am not up to the task. I am not above reproach.

Here is how some days go:

I don’t have love today. I have no discipline or self-control. I am not optimistic. I have no joy. Me and my wife are not getting along. I am short tempered with my kids. I am behind on the bills and angry about it. I am too ashamed about my attitude to talk to God. It is just one of those days. If I could take a pill to change it all, I would. But I don’t have one. Nevertheless, I must to do my job anyway. I have to design a class on teaching children the basics of discipleship, yet I cannot find a disciple in me. But I must to do my job anyway. Continue Reading »

Dear Angie,

We just passed the 6 year anniversary of your death. I guess it was the evening of January 4, 2004 (that is what the medical examiner said), but Kristie (your sister, not my wife) thinks it is January 5 because that morning her back door blew open. Remember, she had Drew that night. She says you came to see him one last time. I told her that was dumb, but she really holds on to that. Anyway, who cares, right?

We all really miss you. There is a certain amount of darkness that follows us everywhere we go. I suppose that this “cloud” (isn’t that what you always called it?) will be with us until Christ. I have a hard time as I often wonder if I am wallowing in self-pity because of what you did and because of mom. It was just such a short period of time to have lost you both. But I really can feel sorry for myself. It’s funny because the week after you died (or maybe it was the weekend before), Chuck preached on Joshua. It was when Joshua was taking over for Moses after Moses had died. God told Joshua (to paraphrase), “Moses my servant is dead, now you must lead my people.” You know how Chuck is. Very straight forward, matter of fact, with that deep low voice? He said, “Let me be frank. Some of you are wallowing in pity over someone who has died. MOVE ON! They are dead, you are not! I don’t mean to be insensitive, but some of you need to get on with God’s mission.” It was something like that. I really needed to hear it, but so often I cannot get over it. I have learned to live with it, but none of us can get over it.

Angie, I don’t really know where you are. I think you are with the Lord. I hope that you are with the Lord. But you remember all those times before you died that you asked me about whether or not there really was a God. Remember driving back from Oklahoma City and we went through the five options? 1) Nothing created everything. 2) Chance created everything. 3) Everything came from nothing. 4) Everything is eternal. 5) An eternal God created everything. (That actually made it into my Trinitarianism course!) Just the very fact that I had to try to persuade you that God existed scared me. You used to call me in the early nineties when you could not sleep and ask me the same thing. You were mad at him for not answering your prayers about your sleeplessness. That was the first time I felt like a pastor, since you called me to ask me about it. Anyway, you seemed so full of doubt and unbelief before you died. Remember when you were upstairs at our house crying and angry that God would not take away your depression? You used me as your “God punching bag” (remember, I would always say to you and mom, “Just because I am in ministry, does not mean that I am your punching bag for God”). You said that you did not even believe in him any more. For the last month, you went really cold toward everything. That is why I don’t like to ask where you are. I do, however, tell everyone that you died with Chuck’s Day by Day book in front of you. I think you are with him.

There is just so much to say…

(BTW: I was encouraged to write this “grief letter” to you and share it. So that is what I am doing.) Continue Reading »

Ten years ago I had it all figured out. Theology was perfect. My passions filled with the progressively growing belief that I was going to make a difference—a big difference. If people were in need, I could fix it . . . or at least direct them to the right way to fix it. I had all the answers. I was sanctified and I was being sanctified . . . fast (like Ferrari fast).

Fast forward ten years…

Things are much different now. I don’t have quite as much figured out. Passions are secure, but have been nuanced by the scars of my soul. Things I was so confident about before now make my spirit blush with frustration, salted with a bit of shame and bitterness. Fixing things is not as easy as it seemed back then. Complications have arisen. People are complicated. I am complicated.

Last week as I discussed spiritual growth with a discouraged Christian gal, I began to see my own plight in hers. She could not understand why she is not a “good” person. “I have been a Christian for thirty years and I feel as if I am less sanctified now than ever. I don’t understand. Maybe I am not even saved.” Continue Reading »

There have been times too numerable to count where it seems that I have gone one way suspecting the Lord was heading in the same direction only to find out the often heart-breaking reality that God is going a different direction.

As Christians, like anyone else, we seek to confirm our worldview (our belief system) in our experiences. I do. I am constantly looking for events—for “God-sightings”—in my walk that evidence what I already believe. Sometimes we become reliant on such events to the point where the event itself becomes the grounds or anchor to our faith. While this is understandable, it is very dangerous.

C.S. Lewis Story

I am haunted by the words of C.S. Lewis in his A Grief Observed, (loosely quoted) “It is not as though I have quit believing in God, it is that I have come to the point where I say, ‘So God, this is who you really are.’”

Let me back up.

In 1956, at the age of 58, Lewis married Joy Gresham. This was at first a benevolent legal marriage due to Gresham’s need for British citizenship. However, they both fell in love. After finding out that Gresham had contracted terminal bone cancer, they sought a Christian marriage. In prayerful hope they lived together as husband and wife. The cancer went into remission and they praised God for the unexpected. God had done something wonderful. An anchor in their experience. It was a reason to shout praises to God for his lovingkindness.

However . . .

The remission was short lived. Just three years after their hospital bedside wedding ceremony, Joy’s life was taken by the cancer. One year later Lewis writes the words above in one of his most profound and introspective works, A Grief Observed. The praise that he gave to God was turned into confused bitterness for a time. So confused that he wrote those terrible words, “It is not as though I have quit believing in God, it is that I have come to the point where I say, ‘So God, this is who you really are.”

A personal illustration

I often reflect on the journey of my sister’s death. The specific point in that journey has to do with a “message” that we got from God that turned out to be misunderstood, like that of the cancer’s remission in the life of Lewis. To make a long story short, my sister was very suicidal for about two years. She lived close to me in Frisco, so when there was a problem, it was up to me to come to the rescue. I had already had to break her door down at home and rush her to the hospital because of an overdose on sleeping pills, take her kicking and screaming to the local psych hospital to admit her twice, and travel to her house 16 other times in search of her when she had gone silent. One time, we could not find her anywhere. She was not at home or at work. I did not know what to do as I knew that this particular day was not a good day for her. We knew that she was very suicidal. I got in my car and started looking for her. In short, I found her. It was nothing less than a miracle as I randomly pulled into a hotel off the highway. I found her in a room with a six pack and a gun. I stopped her. 

In the middle of this tragic situation, my family and I thought that God was answering our prayers which pleaded for her life. We had this “divine” comfort that she was not going to die. Otherwise, how do we explain such a miracle?

Well, we were going right and God was going left. Despite the praise (which, looking back, seems like some sort of arm twisting way to gain divine assurance), Angie did take her life three months later in a different hotel room which I could not find.

On a less tragic note

Last week Mimi’s (Kristie’s mom) dog died. My girls loved this dog. They cried and cried and asked me why God would take the dog away.  Continue Reading »

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:30AM (went to bed at 2am)

2. How do you like your steak? Medium rare

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Terminator: Salvation

4. What is your favorite TV show(s)? LOST, Battlestar Galatica, Prison Break, 24, and Smallville

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Not too much for travel. I just like home wherever it is.

6. What did you have for breakfast? Cinnamon Toast Crunch

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Yuk.

8. What foods do you dislike? Onions and Rye Bread

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Any place with a good steak

10. Favorite dressing? Ranch

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? Nissan Sentra (32 mpg)

12. What are your favorite clothes? Have not bought my own clothes since high school. My sisters buy all my clothes. Whatever they get me is fine.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Credo House

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Depends on the day

15. Where would you want to retire? Frisco, TX

16. Favorite time of day? Late at night

17. Where were you born? Okla City

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Football (aka OU)

19. Who will care most about this survey? For all, equally boring

20. Who did you want to be when you grew up? Lee Majors (Steve Austin, Six Million Dollar Man)

21. What are you going to do after you are done with this? Put my son, Zach, to bed

22. Bird watcher? Bird shooter

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night

24. Do you have any pets? Rocky was my dog. I will never have another dog like him so I don’t bother

25. Anything you would like to change about your body? My legs are too short and hands too small

26. What did you want to be when you were little? Car salesman (like my dad)

27. What is your biggest personality weakness? Compulsive

29. What is your biggest personality strength? Compulsive

30. Always wear your seat belt? Yes

31. Been in a car accident? Yes. About fifteen years ago

32. Any pet peeves at church? Too many songs

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Hamburger

34. Favorite Flower? What is that? There is more than one?

35. Favorite ice cream? Coffee

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Chick-Fil-A

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test? 1, the written (cried and the person felt sorry for me so she allowed me to come back the next day—they did not used to do that)

38. From whom did you get your last email? Probably Facebook

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Oh no . . . I should say church or something, but it is Best Buy for sure

40. Alcohol drinker? Not much. I will have a beer every once in a while. Had a Jack and Coke during an OU game last year. It was good.

41. Do you blog? Yes, here

42. What do you hate about blogging? (if you blog) When the blog sucks and you wish you would not have posted it . . . Oh, and when you post something you think is great and no one says a thing.

43. Do you snore? My wife says I do, but I think she is lying

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Kristie probably . . .

45. What have you been listening to on your MP3 lately? Shinedown and Johnny Cash (“Personal Jesus”)

46. What is your favorite color? Green

47. How many tattoos do you have? None

48. When did you get your first grey hair? When I was 34. Kristie spends her time picking them out now. I think I have about 30 or so.

49. Where did you meet your spouse? At the Dugout (Sports Bar)

50. Have you ever been on a game show? No, but my wife was on Wheel-A-Fortune

God is really starting to get on my nerves. I don’t know why he is so fascinated (addicted?) to weakness. Not his own, of course, but mine (and probably yours). This “when I am weak . . .” stuff is for the birds. Right?

Tonight we had our first session for the course Science and the Bible taught by Robert Bowman. This course was broadcast into the Credo House. It was our first big, formal, theological event. I was so excited when I saw the new people showing up. I gave them tours and then we sat down to listen to Rob teach online. But there were a few problems:

1. I could not get the sound to come over the speakers at the Credo House. (Skin warming up . . . small sweat breaks). I finally realize I had not turned up the volume. (Redness appears on the skin to join the wet brow).

2. Troll enters the online room and begins to cut-and-paste over and over very offensive statements that would cause marines to blush. We boot him out of the room but he comes back and repeats under a different name. All those at the Credo House see what is on the screen. (Ears begin to turn red and burn. Feelings of irresponsibility surface.) We finally ban him from the room.

3. Rob’s internet service is having problems. We cannot hear him because of a lag in his mic. (Thirty minutes into the class and we still have not started). Rob logs off and logs back on. No change. (Heart begins to break as feelings of incompetence arise). I sit and pray with the group and apologize for the difficulties. We get Rob a new account. He signs back on. Class goes wonderful from then on.

What is up with that Lord? Who’s team are you on? Is it not a good thing that we are doing? What good did these trivial obstacles do for the advancement of your kingdom? How long do I have to be in ministry before things start to go smoothly? Why do I feel as if you are my adversary sometimes? 

I call “uncle” right now!

I have a confession to make. I am broke. No, not financially. Spiritually. Continue Reading »

I heard the song on the radio today. “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan. I hate that song. Every time it comes on, I change it. I usually don’t run from such pain, but I can’t . . . not that song. We played it at the funeral. “In a cold dark hotel room . . .” How did Sarah know? But I listened to more than usual; more than I should have.

My children are 10, 8, 6, and 2.  I wish so much that they had a chance to know Angie better. Katelynn, my oldest, knew her pretty well. Kylee a little. Their memories, I’m sure,  are quickly fading. Will was just two months old when she died. Zach was not born.

I often talk to them about Angie. I recount how much she loved them. I tell about how much I loved her. If I keep her memorialized with my children, she seems to be still a part of my life.

“Daddy, how did Angie die?”

This is the dreaded question that I get ever so often. I don’t really know what to say. What a horrible thing for children to hear were I to tell them the truth. Therefore, for now, it is sufficient to say, “She died of sadness.” My kids are usually satisfied, but not lately. Will will not let me off the hook. He is five and very persistent. “How does someone die of sadness?” He asks. “I don’t know,” I respond, “they just get really, really sick.” “But how do they die?” “I don’t know, it just causes them to die.”

I don’t think I am lying to my kids. In fact, I think that it is the most accurate way to put it. She did die of sadness. She just got so, so sad that she did not feel as if she had another choice. The gun she shot was not pointed toward herself, it was pointed toward the sadness that was in her head. She just wanted it to stop and all the pills and positive thinking were not as powerful as the bullet. She killed the sadness and her body was a casualty of friendly fire. Continue Reading »

1. I am judgmental about not being judgmental. What is up with that? Does that make any sense?

2. I am compulsive in everything. This is my strength and weakness, but I wish that I could just turn it off when I need to.

3. No matter how many times the Lord comes through, I am always anticipating the worst. I think this is because of my sister and my mother.

4. I talk down to my wife and it is a habit that is so hard to break. I am sorry Kristie.

5. My back is always hurt these days. When your back is bad or goes out, it effects everything! (Did I say everything?)

6. I am a people pleaser. I think it is fine to want people to like you, but it is really hard for me to say the hard thing when it needs to be said. You know . . . “the wounds of an friend thing.” I am like David. I have such a bad past that don’t feel qualified to shoot straight with people. But the irony is . . . see #1 and #4.

7. I, so often, want to run off and hide from my responsibilities. I identify with Homer Simpson who, on the day of his exam which he had not studied for, said “Its okay. I am just going to hide underneath these coats and everything will be alright.”

8. I feel so inadequate to deal with people emotionally. I am just not there. I am not very tender at all. Oblivious and dismissive. Those are good words to describe me emotionally many times. This affects so much. Boy, I used to get it from my sisters and mom about this. Now I can see it effecting my girls. But, this may be a man problem.

9. I cannot fix people’s problems and I don’t know how to handle it (see #7). I could not fix Angie and now I can’t fix my mother or father. Why is there such longevity in struggles? Haven’t we learned what we need to learn? I am just so tired when I go there. (And tomorrow is my day with mom).

That is all I can think of now.

(I have to post this because the blog is (still) messed up and will not let me create this as a page—we lost our “about” page in the crash.)

Welcome to the blog.

I, Michael Patton, am the primary contributor to this blog. But you can also expect posts from my fellow bloggers Dan Wallace, Paul Copan, Lisa Robinson, and Robert Bowman Jr. Our blog is Evangelical and our purpose is content oriented. Hopefully we can write blogs that educate, update, and make people think deeply about historic and contemporary theological issues. You are welcome to contribute to our blog, but please be gracious and thoughtful. This is not anyone’s surrogate blog!

The skinny of my life:

I am Michael Patton, the primary contributor to the Parchment and Pen blog. I do a lot of stuff and love teaching theology. In fact, I have been blessed enough to be able to make my living doing so. I am married, have four kids (two girls and two boys). Got married to the most beautiful gal in the world 97, graduated from Dallas Theological Seminary with a Th.M. (double major in New Testament and pastoral studies) in 2001, was on Pastoral staff at Stonebriar Community Church in Frisco Texas from 2000-2006, started The Theology Program in 2001, incorporated Reclaiming the Mind Ministries in 2005, moved the family and ministry to Oklahoma City (area) in 2007, and the latest project is the Credo House (the Reclaiming the Mind Ministries headquarters and a theological education center). Oh, and I have had four kids along the way!

Check me out on Facebook or follow me (if you dare) on Twitter.
Contact me at michaelp@reclaimingthemind.org