As many of you are aware, I deal with many people who are doubting their faith. To be more specific, these are Christians who are going through some sort of faith crisis where they no longer believe with the simplicity that characterized their belief before. This is becoming increasingly common in a world where sheltered or isolated beliefs are not only impractical, but a thing of the past (and this is good!).

However, most of us really don’t know how to deal with this. We don’t know how to deal with it when it comes to our own doubts, much less other peoples’!

At the risk of presenting a bit of a caricature, let me give some tongue-in-cheek ways in which various theological systems deal with Christians who are going through such a crisis of faith:

Baptists: They are still saved, no matter where their doubts take them. They just need renewed assurance.

Calvinists: They were never saved to begin with. They need to have the Gospel presented to them.

Charismatics: They are demon-possessed. They need to have an exorcism.

Arminians: They are in the process of losing their salvation. They need to stop sinning or be argued back into the faith.

I don’t know if I agree or (necessarily) disagree with any of these options. What I would disagree with is that we can address these situations with a neat, one-size-fits-all response to individuals in crisis.

I don’t claim to be an expert in this area, but I thought I would try to give some points of advice not to those who are in the middle of this faith crisis, but to those who are seeking to help those whom they love through this crisis in a positive way.

1. Have mercy on them.

Jude 22 is a verse that is quite neglected. It says for us to “have mercy on some who are doubting.” If we don’t approach people with genuine mercy and love, we cannot expect to be Christ for them in what might very well be the biggest struggle they have ever faced.

One of the things I have been exposed to since “entering” the ministry to those who are doubting is how traumatic this time of life truly is for them. If you have never been through it, it will be extremely difficult for you to understand. In fact, the default position for many of us is to judge and condemn those who are doubting. When someone’s doubts are not processed properly, and all they find is condemnation and judgement from the community of faith, this intensifies and prolongs the problem. You would not believe how many Christians who are going through this crisis are seriously considering suicide. From their perspective, their entire worldview is collapsing beneath them.

I won’t get too much into the story, but I have been through this crisis at the deepest level. It nearly killed me. Simply to have someone there having mercy on me, being there for me, not waiting for the other shoe to drop, but in full support and love was so important. Those in doubt need to know that you are not ever going to leave or forsake them. That is being Christ to them (Heb. 13:5). Be as understanding as you can even if you have not been through this.

2. Realize that these are often the birth pangs of deepened faith

I almost put “these are the birth pangs of true faith,” but that is saying too much. You see, when we are children, we receive our faith from our parents in a mediated way. This does not mean that this faith is not true, but for the most part, it is untested. It is the trials, temptations, and suffering of life that test our faith (Job; Rom. 5:3-4; Luke 8:5-15; Jam. 1:3).

For those of us with children who are going through this, we cannot panic . . . please don’t panic. Yes, it is incredibly difficult to watch your child (or friends or loved ones) go through this. Just like when your child is hurt, you want so much to endure their pain in their stead. When our children are going through a faith crisis, we want God to shift the burden to our shoulders. I will talk about how we can bear this burden with them, but we cannot (and should not want to) bear this burden for them. Our faith must be tested if it is to grow. Periodic faith struggles are the norm of the Christian life. When I am at my best, I worry most for those who have never been through any faith crisis. To me, this normally means they don’t take their faith too seriously. But for those who do take their faith seriously, the crisis is sure to come. And to those whom God is going to use in a particular way, the crisis will be more particular.

Whether it is an intellectual, emotional, or spiritual difficulty, we must realize that God uses these trials to deepen faith. In this, while we don’t like to see loved ones in pain, we can rejoice in what God may be doing through this time.

3. Be ready, but don’t manufacture answers

The last thing those in the throes of crisis need are manufactured, cliché answers. In fact, these will almost always make the crisis worse. People normally go through these trials because they are thinking deeply about their faith. They are critically examining it, possibly for the first time. Sound-bite answers from us only reinforce a naive picture of faith. People in crisis have a new ability to tell if you are being fake, even when you don’t know it yourself.

Be ready. Be honest about your faith. Enter into the crisis with them and find answers together.

I remember when my mother had her ruptured brain aneurysm at age 56. This came just on the heels of my sister’s death. We were all at the hospital groping for hope and wondering why God was attacking us (as we saw it) in such a way. My little sister was in the deepest crisis of us all. When my cousin came in to offer spiritual support, he said this: “While the pain you are going through is bad, you have to remember that God lost his own son.” My sister would have none of it. She responded without hesitation, “Yeah, but at least he got his son back after three days.” Now, my cousin could have stuck to his guns and continued to promote the validity of his wisdom, but he did not. He joined with my sister and said, “By God, I never thought of that.” He then remained silent. That meant a lot. It meant that he was not just trying to offer advice that he had never thought through himself, but he was willing to shoulder the burden that unexpected difficulties bring to our faith.

4. Help them to focus on the things that make or break their faith

Often, during this faith crisis, it is not just a room getting rearranged or a bathroom remodeled, it is as if the entire structure is falling down. It could be something as small as someone at school ridiculing them for believing that a donkey talked, a discovered discrepancy in what Christ said in Matthew compared to Mark, or a science class presentation on the theory of evolution (none of which affect any issues foundational to our faith). However, for those who have never been prepared for these challenges, they can not discriminate between essentials and non-essentials. For many, everything is an essential. Their theology is a house of cards. Once one card falls, no matter how small, the entire house comes tumbling down.

I remember when I had an existential crisis in the mid-nineties. It was over tongues. I grew up as a hard cessationist, believing that the gift of tongues ceased in the first century (I am still a cessationist). The way I was taught was that if someone speaks in tongues today, they are demon-possessed. There was simply no question about it. I was as sure (emotionally) about this as I was anything. Why? Because that is what I was taught and no one ever told me there were other options, much less other legitimate options. When I read Jack Deere’s Surprised by the Power of the Spirit, I was thrown into a mini-crisis for two reasons (even though I was not close to becoming charismatic): 1) I could not work into my practical theology the idea that Jack Deere – who, though a tongue-speaking charismatic, believed just about everything else I did concerning Christ – could be demon-possessed; and 2) I wondered why I was misled (from my perspective) for so long into thinking that all tongue-speakers were demon-possessed. My thought was, if I trusted my former teachers for so much (and they seemed so certain), what other things were they wrong about? Christ’s resurrection? The Bible’s authority? The Baptist way? But the issue of tongues is certainly not an essential issue. Why should the entire house fall when this card is taken away?

As people go through this crisis, we can do much to lessen the its effects if we can help those going through it gain some perspective. Someone may be questioning the legitimacy of their belief in the rapture, whether or not the Apocrypha is part of the canon, if Hell is eternal, if God changes his mind, whether Christ can work through other religions, or whether the Bible is inerrant or not. These are all important issues, but not foundational issues. Where you land on these issues does not speak to the ultimate truthfulness of the Christian faith.

Whether the crisis of faith is brought about due to intellectual or emotional reasons, it will help to encourage people to look to core issues of the faith and then move out from there. I think the core issue of the Christian faith is the resurrection of Christ. All dominoes fall from there. It is also the easiest to rest our intellectual heads on. I have yet to meet someone who was going through a prolonged crisis of faith who was well established in the historicity of Christ’s resurrection.

5. Encourage them to live according to the faith they still have

Doubt is not unbelief. Doubt is the bridge that moves our current faith to perfect faith. That bridge will always be there until death (or until Christ comes). However, those who are going through a faith crisis don’t naturally see things this way. Once doubt comes in and infects their life on a conscious level, they interpret it as outright unbelief. They don’t know how else to process it. They think that they are on an inevitable road to complete unbelief. Unfortunately, because they think this way and because many Christians treat them as if they had the plague, they begin to immediately live as unbelievers. If sin were not the instigating problem before, it definitely becomes the chronic problem now. It is important for those who are struggling with doubt to not let their doubt influence their lives to a point that they start living as if they are unbelievers. Encourage the doubter to continue to live as a Christian, even if they don’t feel like one anymore.

6. Realize that there is no timetable here

Each person is unique. Just like with depression, the faith crisis has no timetable. For some people, due to personality and life circumstances, their crisis will last a very long time. The more contemplative (and compulsive) might suffer with this intermittently for their entire lives. I know that is a long time to teeter on the edge of unbelief, but this is sometimes God’s method. Who knows how long Job was in his faith-defining crisis? One thing is for sure: it was not an overnight thing. So be patient. Join with the doubting in prayer for as long as it takes. Be kind, knowing that such problems are not uncommon to man.

7. Help people work through their sin

I saved this one for last intentionally. Normally, this is the first place that Christians go when a loved one is going through this crisis. The reason why people jump to this conclusion is hard to know, but I think it helps us to mentally put doubt into a discernible box. It also helps us to find a quick solution. “Oh, you are doubting your faith. Okay, then quit sinning. Next!!” As I have said before, the problem is not always this simple, but sometimes it is. Personal sin is a faith drainer. We cannot live in disobedience to God for too long without it taking a significant toll on our faith. Many times people experience a faith crisis because there is some deliberate sin that they are not dealing with.

However, one thing to keep in mind is that there is hardly a sin that is not deliberate. And we are all sinners. Therefore, we are all in deliberate sin. But God deals with us in different ways. Some sins, in order for us to stay in them, take a toll on our mind and worldview as we attempt to justify them. For example, a Christian living in homosexuality is one thing. This is a definite sin and will take its toll in many ways. But a Christian living in homosexuality and trying to justify this biblically is another thing. The toll here is not only a moral, social, and physical one, but one that corrupts the mind. The mental gymnastics required to make the Bible subjective enough to justify homosexual behavior are not going to remain isolated to this issue alone. Sooner or later, the mental paradigm that was created to make one sin viable will corrupt everything else.

In short, if there is something that we know we are supposed to be doing and we are not doing it, but instead justifying our behavior, doubt will soon spread and the crisis of faith will be hard to overcome. We need to gently ask these types of questions when the time is right. Simply accusing people of some deep-rooted personal sin right from the gun can be judgemental, embarrassing, and will not promote welcoming ears. Ask if there is any sin that they know of which might be causing this. If they say no and there is nothing that you know of which is sure to be the cause (for don’t we all know of some sin in the lives of loved ones), then don’t push this issue. You can return to it periodically when the crisis is not over and faith has not been restored.

Conclusion

Though a Calvinist, it should be obvious that I am not interested in the, “Was this person ever really saved to begin with?” question. It is an important theological question, but does not practically have any relevance here. I treat those who confess the faith as believers and work from there. I also treat each individual as if this person can truly lose their faith. After all, there is a faith that does not save and we need to hold this out as a real option. We may eventually find out that this person was not a believer, but we should cross that bridge when it becomes evident to all parties.

I am a perpetual doubter and am learning to live with it.  I don’t rejoice in my doubt and don’t really wish it upon anyone else. However, I have come to realize that it almost always makes my faith stronger in the end so long as I am not apathetic about it.

Back to where I started: I knew of one person who I believed was being used by God significantly that had not been though some sort of faith crisis that caused them to doubt their beliefs at the deepest level. Every other believer that has been of significant influence in my life has their “story.” Though not every one of them is confident enough to make their crisis known, I always make it a point to try to bring it out of them. I just figure it is there and under the right circumstances they will feel comfortable enough to share it. This has always been the case, save this one person. I just held out that this person was some sort of anomaly. He was an example of someone who either was so strong in the faith that doubt could never affect him, or one whom God was content not to put through such a trial. However, this changed one year ago, as this pastor went through his own crisis of doubt. He now has his “story” too. I believe that everyone who is used of God significantly will have their story. So take heart.

I hope this has been helpful. Soon I will write to parents about how to prepare for and prevent this type of faith crisis in their children. There is no way to prevent the trials, but there are definite things we can do ensure that our children do not sink into the depths of despair while their faith is growing.Similar Posts:

• Can Christians Doubt?
• Eight Points of Encouragement for Those Who Are Doubting Their Faith
• Dealing with Doubt: Coming Next Tuesday Evening
• “Memorize these Two Verses and Call Me in the Morning” or Dealing with Doubt – Part 2
• Dealing with Doubt: Part 4 – Intellectual Doubt

These type of things quickly become a matter of theology—very practical theology. The question is this: Is it possible to have married the wrong person?

No matter how difficult things were I would always discourage such a direction in thinking. I don’t think that it is ever possible to have married the “wrong” person. I know that this sounds strange to some, but it is simply a natural outcome of my belief in God’s sovereignty. Just as the election and the government is ultimately in God’s hands (Rom. 13), even if and when people make selfish and evil choices, God’s will is ultimately being accomplished.

Getting personal: My wife and I met in a bar. Yes, that is right. Seventeen years ago, I was out, drunk and picking up on women. In a drunken stupor, I stopped my wife (my waitress at the time) and said “Before I get drunk, I want to say ‘I love you’” (sweet pick-up line, huh?) We hit it off, and to make a long story short, we got hitched. As I grew in the Lord, I questioned my motivations for marrying her. If you have seen her, you know she is very beautiful. This is not to brag, but to give you a sense of conflict that I have had (and, I am sure, Kristie has had as well). We have had our share of difficulties. I would like to say that things have been great with me and Kristie, but we have some very serious personality conflicts. Sometimes these are so severe, so discouraging, so long-lasting, so unforgiving, that the terrible question pop’s in my head, “Did I marry the wrong person?” It is in these times that my theology begins to lock certain doors.

Are you supposed to meet your wife in a bar? No, not ideal. Are you supposed to fall in love with her primarily because of looks? No, not ideal. Can you make wrong decisions that lead to an important decision such as marriage? Absolutely. So, was it God’s will that I marry Kristie. You bet.

You see, I believe that God works with us in our sin. Come on folks, does he have any other choice? If he did not work through our sin, 1) what does the world “grace” mean and, frankly, 2) when would he work? If God works, he works through fallen people who make selfish and ungodly decisions. If his will is going to be accomplished, he uses these to do so. He uses sin. This does not mean he brings about the sinful disposition that leads to our choices nor does it justify sin, it just means that they become his instruments to bring about his plan.

God brought Kristie and I together and our togetherness has been hard. Yes, I am sure it could have been easier had we married someone else. We could have smiled more. We could have been more relaxed. Things could have more “click” to them. We could be setting an example of a “Christian marriage” for all to see. Simply put, we could have a “better” marriage according to another standard. Although I hate to say this, the grass sometimes really is greener on the other side.

But my shade of green is not necessarily God’s. My standard is not God’s.

Is it God’s will for Kristie and I to be together? You bet. And we are committed to this. Could there have been better choices made? “Better” is rather relative and can get you into trouble. From a human perspective which does not see all ends and is foolishly self-serving, yes. From a divine perspective, no.

God has a purpose for Kristie and I to be together. Neither of us married the wrong person. Sometimes we cannot see what is really going on and our passions are clouded by the pain, but we must keep our eyes on the sovereignty of God and find a much deeper level of satisfaction in each other knowing that God—the all-knowing God—has put us together for a reason. In this we discard our thoughts of mistake and we let go of the humanistic “soul-mate” theory. Once this is done, we find a new fairy-tale marriage that is better than any we could have chosen. Why? Because God knows best. Because God works through sin. Settled, satisfied, and in constant delight describes my marriage when I take this perspective.

Did you marry the wrong person? No. What if you are divorced, does that mean you married the wrong person? No. What if you are remarried, does this mean that you remarried the wrong person. No. It does not sanctify our decisions and attitudes that led up to these decisions, but we have to remember that God, in grace and his relentless pursuit of his own will, works out his will in all things, even sin (Eph. 1:11).

Before you react to this post in a very critical matter, believing I have lost my bearing, heading toward some sort of radical Calvinism, please answer this: If you were talking to someone whose birth was the result of a rape/incest union and they asked you, “Was it God’s will for me to be conceived?” What would you say?Similar Posts:

• Where Should You Search for a Spouse? or “I Am Ashamed About Where Kristie and I Met”
• "God Comes Before My Wife" . . . And Other Stupid Statements
• Is the Threat of Divorce Ever Justified?
• What Makes Two People Married or Divorced?
• Divorce, Remarriage, and the Committed Christian

I say that with a bit of tongue in cheek, but also with some seriousness. The seriousness reflects a problem of influence we have over our spouse.

Human beings are funny creatures. We can be so nasty to those who are closest to us, while remaining cordial, respectful, and positive about those who are more distant.

They say that the divorce rate among Christians is not any different than that of unbelievers. I have no reason to doubt that this is true. All I have to do is to look to my immediate community of Christian fellowship and see this to be the case. It is disturbing as we often think that an empowered-by-the-holy-spirit-Christian automatically turns into an empowered-by-the-holy-spirit-marriage.

“Return to your first love.” Isn’t that what Christ talked about to the Ephesian Christians? It is easy to lose the passion for things that we had at first. It is really easy when we are intimately involved with those things. With God, we become like C.S. Lewis in A Grief Observed, “It is not as though I quit believing in God, but I do say ‘So God, this is who you really are?’” We get to know things too closely and we sometimes lose our enchantment, passion, and desire for that thing. We need to return to our “first love.” I think this has to do with a return not so much to a person, but the way we love that person.

In marriage, how hard is this?

Remember before you got married? All you could do think about the wonderful things that drew you to your future spouse. If someone asked, “Why do you like so-and-so?” We could defend our love with a precise and detailed fervor that would make others sick. Mom and Dad could not talk you out of it. You were ready to leave them for this new love. Your friends had little influence. Any troubled past? Not an issue. We would just interpret it through our love. Any current issues? No problem. I am here for this person for better or worse.

“I just love the way he sings with such confidence (even if he does not have a voice).”

“I just love her passion for orphans and others who are in need.”

“Isn’t he great. He can see deep into any movie and draw out life implications.”

“Look at the way she does not even care what others think of her. Who else would wear that in public? Wow. That is my girl.”

“His trust commitment to God is incredible. He is going to make a great father.”

And a thousand other things…

The point is that we have the ability to notice, appreciate, and adore so many things about our future spouse. They not only love us for this, but they listen to us. They stand on the shoulders of our encouragement. With us in their lives, they can soar to the skies. We both can.

However, things often change. Once married, we change. Our encouragement changes. Whatever part of our brain that sends positive messages about our spouse, goes into hibernation. For some reason, around year one or two, it ceases to function all-together. Now all we can do is notice the negative things. Calls to mom and dad are no longer in defense of our future spouse, but in contention with our present spouse.

Paralleling our previous complements, we find these:

“I just love the way he sings with such confidence (even if he does not have a voice).”

“Why does he have so much confidence in things that he cannot do! It drives me crazy!”

“I just love her passion for orphans and others who are in need.”

“All she cares about is other people that we cannot help, while she cares nothing for me.”

“Isn’t he great. He can see deep into any movie and draw out life implications.”

“He over-thinks everything and reads things into everything I do.”

“Look at the way she does not even care what others think of her. Who else would wear that in public? Wow. That is my girl.”

“She is just sloppy and lazy. I wish she would care about her image more.”

“His trust commitment to God is incredible. He is going to make a great father.”

“He does not even care about our kids’ need for clothes. He just says ‘God will provide’. I just wish he would worry a little more.”

And a thousand other things…

We become hyper-critical. Those things that we loved before are now the things that we hate. Our brain in neutral no longer is fed by our effortless love, but by this sinful nature. We don’t know how to see the good anymore. Every word becomes cutting. Every look demeaning. Every thought captive to our inability to see the good in our loved one. Even when we try to say something nice, it is like self-produced robot speak.

Before, we had the ear of this person. Now they dread any time we speak with a serious tone.

At this point we can do one of two things:

1) Bow to the “truth” of our criticism and proceed to enforce our agenda. Let’s change our spouse! 

2) Avoid our spouse either with proximal detachment or conversational detachment.

Usually it is a combination of both.

Hope turns into frustration. Frustration turns into bitterness. Bitterness turns into unhealthy remedies. The remedies lead to divorce.

I don’t think it has to go in this direction. I don’t think we have to leave our first love. I don’t think we have to become so critical. I don’t think our ability to recognize the good and take little notice of the bad has to die.

Where does this post come from?

I’m not glad you asked. Honestly, I was just thinking about this with Kristie and me. I was just thinking about how easy it is for me to be critical of her. I was thinking about how often I attempt to change her. I was thinking about how our relationship often hinges on the success of my coaching. I am less and less intent on encouraging her. I often find faults that don’t exist.  In truth, we do it to each other. All marriages do.

Our marriage is in neutral. And a marriage in neutral is like a marriage in reverse. Why? Because the road of matrimony is going up a mountain. You can’t coast on the love you had at first.

This afternoon I prayed for the supernatural ability to focus once again all the good things about my wife, not the things I think are wrong. It is an issue of my attitude. I want that to be the default of my thinking. I don’t want to have to try so hard to recognize the good things. I am going to wear her out being critical. Passion will soon be calloused.

Simply put, after 13 years of marriage, I am becoming a worse husband.Similar Posts:

• Is the Threat of Divorce Ever Justified?
• What Does Love Look Like in Marriage?
• What Makes Two People Married or Divorced?
• Is it Possible to Marry the Wrong Person?
• "God Comes Before My Wife" . . . And Other Stupid Statements

. Every time I read these lists I am convicted of how far I fall short. Yet, like all reminders, it brings hope and motivation for the future. This looks like a needed book. Print these out and hang them on your bathroom mirror.

What does love look like?

1. Love is being willing to have your life complicated by the needs and struggles of your husband or wife without impatience or anger.
2. Love is actively fighting the temptation to be critical and judgmental toward your spouse, while looking for ways to encourage and praise.
3. Love is the daily commitment to resist the needless moments of conflict that come from pointing out and responding to minor offenses.
4. Love is being lovingly honest and humbly approachable in times of misunderstanding, and being more committed to unity and love than you are to winning, accusing, or being right.
5. Love is a daily commitment to admit your sin, weakness, and failure and to resist the temptation to offer an excuse or shift the blame.
6. Love means being willing, when confronted by your spouse, to examine your heart rather than rising to your defense or shifting the focus.
7. Love is a daily commitment to grow in love so that the love you offer to your husband or wife is increasingly selfless, mature, and patient.
8. Love is being unwilling to do what is wrong when you have been wronged but to look for concrete and specific ways to overcome evil with good.
9. Love is being a good student of your spouse, looking for his physical, emotional, and spiritual needs so that in some way you can remove the burden, support him as he carries it, or encourage him along the way.
10. Love means being willing to invest the time necessary to discuss, examine, and understand the problems that you face as a couple, staying on task until the problem is removed or you have agreed upon a strategy of response.
11. Love is always being willing to ask for forgiveness and always being committed to grant forgiveness when it is requested.
12. Love is recognizing the high value of trust in a marriage and being faithful to your promises and true to your word.
13. Love is speaking kindly and gently, even in moments of disagreement, refusing to attack your spouse’s character or assault his or her intelligence.
14. Love is being unwilling to flatter, lie, manipulate, or deceive in any way in order to co-opt your spouse into giving you what you want or doing something your way.
15. Love is being unwilling to ask your spouse to be the source of your identity, meaning and purpose, or inner sense of well-being, while refusing to be the source of his or hers.
16. Love is the willingness to have less free time, less sleep, and a busier schedule in order to be faithful to what God has called you to be and to do as a husband or a wife.
17. Love is a commitment to say no to selfish instincts and to do everything that is within your ability to promote real unity, functional understanding, and active love in your marriage.
18. Love is staying faithful to your commitment to treat your spouse with appreciation, respect, and grace, even in moments when he or she doesn’t seem to deserve it or is unwilling to reciprocate.
19. Love is the willingness to make regular and costly sacrifices for the sake of your marriage without asking anything in return or using your sacrifices to place your spouse in your debt.
20. Love is being unwilling to make any personal decision or choice that would harm your marriage, hurt your husband or wife, or weaken the bond of trust between you.
21. Love is refusing to be self-focused or demanding but instead looking for specific ways to serve, support, and encourage, even when you are busy or tired.
22. Love is daily admitting to yourself, your spouse, and God that you are not able to love this way without God’s protecting, providing, forgiving, rescuing, and delivering grace.
23. Love is a specific commitment of the heart to a specific person that causes you to give yourself to a specific lifestyle of care that requires you to be willing to make sacrifices that have that person’s good in view.

How are you doing?Similar Posts:

• Is the Threat of Divorce Ever Justified?
• What Makes Two People Married or Divorced?
• After 13 Years, I Am Becoming a Worse Husband
• "God Comes Before My Wife" . . . And Other Stupid Statements
• Where Should You Search for a Spouse? or “I Am Ashamed About Where Kristie and I Met”

Kristie and I are married. We have the certificate to prove it. The state says we are married and so I believe it. So does my church. So do my church friends. We even wear wedding rings. We also tell people we are married. We have it all. We made our vows thirteen years ago and we are husband and wife.

I have performed the marriage ceremony for dozens of couples. I know the ropes. I have performed them at churches, chapels, by lakes, in a law office, and even on my back porch (twice!). There are some key ingredients I require. 1) A man and a woman. 2) A witness. 3) Vows with specific promises. 4) A marriage certificate. Once the man and woman are present, numbers 2 and 3 are easy for me to wing. However, I can’t do the certificate. The couple has to. It is an issue of the state.

One time I married a couple and forgot to put my “book” and “page” number on the certificate. Another time, we forgot the certificate all-together and had to sign it later in the week (I think after the honeymoon). Were they married? I timidly told the excited (but very nervous) couple not to worry about it. I explained that it was their commitment to each other between God and men that made them united in marriage in God’s sight. They were free to do what married couples do. They were relieved to say the least.

But was I right? How much say does the state really have in whether a couple is married or not? Conversely, how much say do they have if a couple is divorced?

There is no place in the Bible that speaks about the rules for getting married. Believe me, I have looked. No ceremony instructions. No mention of government regulations. No suggested vows. Nothing about a ring, a church, a white dress, a tux, or even someone to preside over the ceremony. The Bible seems to give much freedom to individuals and cultures to mandate these things as they will.

But what really makes two people married?

Here are some options:

1. Living together in a symbiotic relationship (mutual dependence).

2. Sexual intimacy.

3. Making vows of commitment.

4. The state certificate.

5. Self identification as being married.

6. Pronouncement of an officiant.

7. Having children together.

Even the state has some problems with this. Most places have something called “common law” marriage. It is defined variously, but normally includes co-habitation for an undefined period of time and the couple must identify themselves publicly as being married. No ceremony is necessary. No pastor. And no vows. Again, the two things: 1) live together for an extended period, 2) say to others you are married.

My uncle, who is a Christian, is common law married. Has been for years. Though they have never had a ceremony (and don’t intend to) they live as husband and wife.

I would assume that we as Christians, seeing as how there are no specific biblical instructions here, would hold some things in much higher regard than others. I would say that it has to be between a man and a woman.  There needs to be a recognition of the marriage internally. If the couple never has self-recognition of their marital status, that would be problematic. Many cultures would say that the marriage is not finalized until the act of sex. I am not sure about this, but if sex were never present (barring any physical reasons), then there would be problems as well. If they never cohabitate in mutual dependence, this would be somewhat of an issue. But I would say that the vows (often coldly defined as the “contract”) are the most essential. Without these, there would not, in my opinion, be a marriage.

There are two things that are not that important, though necessary for cultural state and church regulations.

First is the pronouncement. At the end of a wedding ceremony, I pronounce the couple to be married. This is what I say (picture me saying it!): “By the POWER vested in me by the state and as a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I now pronounce you man and wife.” Exhilarating! I rarely feel such control. I often pause mid-sentence to let the anticipation rise and allow the people dwell on the phrase “the power vested in me.” I like to think my pronouncement has some magical power. In reality, it does not. Were I to forget this, no biggie.  

Second is the certificate. I am not suggesting that people start getting married without a certificate from the state, but I would say that it is one of the least important items. Who really cares if the government says you are married? Do they really have that much control? Of course there are all the protections, benefits, and tax issues that go along with this, but some certificate on file downtown does not really make me married.

However, interestingly enough, it is these two things that most of us look to when we are assessing the validity of a marriage. Did the pastor make the pronouncement and did your certificate get filed at the courthouse?

This, I must say is a very shallow view of what marriage is and completely discounts the centrality of the promise the couple makes to each other. I would say everything on the list is higher than the certificate.

You are married if you are living according to your vows. This will include faithfulness, love, commitment to the spouse, mutual care and concern, physical intimacy, recognition of the marriage, and forgiveness. It is living as one. When your spouse hurts, you hurt. When your spouse succeeds, you succeed. When you spouse falls, you are there to pick them up. You are living for each other the same way you live for yourself. If a marriage lacks these things, I don’t care how many certificates and pronouncements you have made, you are not really married.

It is like Christians who believe their status before God—their marriage to Christ—is based on when they walked the isle, got baptized, or joined this or that church. They may even have a certificate to prove it. But in the end, their status in Christ is ultimately based not on something they did, but something they do. Their status in Christ must not be a past tense trust (“I trusted in Christ in 1988!”), but a present day reality that is ongoing (though imperfect).

Being married is not something that you did, it is something that you do.

Having said this, I now bring up the question of divorce. When is a couple divorced?

I know of a couple in a terrible marriage. The woman has sought so desperately to have a marriage that is full of life the way God intended. The husband, on the other hand, has grown bored with the marriage. There is no sexual intimacy, no sharing, no emotional bond, and no relationship present at all. They barely even talk. The vows are being completely ignored by the husband. When they do talk, he is mentally abusive and dismissive of the concerns of the wife. After years of living in such a way, they would be best described as roommates rather than husband and wife. Now the wife is talking about divorce. The man thinks such talk is blasphemous. He is a Christian and will not suffer a divorce. The very mention of it caused the man to look down on his wife’s spirituality and bring it before the pastor of a church. The pastor then counsels the woman on how ungodly it is for her to even mention divorce. He commends the husband for “sticking with it.”

When I think about this situation, I ask myself ,”What is a divorce?” If everything that makes a marriage a marriage is being ignored, are they even married anymore? Haven’t they already gone through an “illegal divorce”? It is “illegal” only because the state does not recognize it. Maybe its a “common-law divorce” (though not recognized that I know of). Either way, isn’t it a divorce in every other way?

The church (and all of us in the church) are often more concerned about some paper downtown at the county clerk’s office than we are about the marriage. We are terrified of a divorce paper, but are very tolerant of “illegal divorces.” Why do we give such authority and credence to the state in these matters? What is so paramount about this piece of paper? Why is it that a pastor could punish the woman who simply wants to make legal what her husband has already done long ago? He divorced her and did not tell the state. It is that simple. And at the same time, the church rewards and protects the man who is responsible for the divorce because he is so ”righteous” that he won’t go sign the papers. Nevertheless, he will abuse and neglect his wife, demoting the status of their relationship below that of friendship.

Though I am speaking outside of my areas (perhaps irresponsibly), I am coming to think that the deprivation of what makes two people married is the definition of divorce. I would hope the church would come down harder on the one who is neglecting the marriage than the one who seeks to have the state recognize what has already happened.

What do you think? I truly want to hear your thoughts and shape my understanding here.

Similar Posts:

• Is the Threat of Divorce Ever Justified?
• Can a Divorced Christian be Remarried?
• Divorce, Remarriage, and the Committed Christian
• After 13 Years, I Am Becoming a Worse Husband
• What Does Love Look Like in Marriage?

The question is: Can there be remarriage after divorce for the committed Christian?

This is not an easy question to answer by any means. While I was on pastoral staff at Stonebriar Community Church, I could not dodge this issue by reducing it to some objective theological position as I would have liked. Practically speaking, it was always before me. I performed many marriages while I was at Stonebriar, so much that I was called the “marrying man.” In many of the marriages I performed, at least one of the two people had been through a divorce. Each pastor on staff had a different position concerning the issue of remarriage after divorce; I think mine was one of the most liberal (relatively speaking). Stonebriar gave us some freedom in our decisions of whom we would marry. If another pastor did not feel comfortable performing a ceremony, they would probably just say “I will send you to Michael, he will marry anyone!” (That is not really true, but there was only one¹ that I turned down in my six years in the pastorate.)

As briefly as a blog will allow, I want to give you my current position on the matter and hope that you understand what a struggle this is. I am in no way dogmatic about this, but I do have some thoughts. Generally speaking, I believe that people are either too liberal or too rigid when it comes to this issue. I think that there needs to be a middle ground (as I do with many issues). I hesitate while I write this due to the fear that people will find in my view an excuse for divorce, which is the last thing I want or intend. Yet at the same time, I believe that if what I propose is true, it, like all truth, will always undergo the risk of misapplication.

First let me say that the argument is not over whether divorce is bad. Everyone agrees that divorce is a result of sin and that healthy reconciliation is the perfect will of God. Well, let me rephrase. God hates divorce (Mal. 2:16). Let me make this a bit stronger. God always hates divorce. This much is true. We must, however, keep this in perspective: there are a lot of things that are the result of a fallen world that God hates. God hates death (Ez. 18:23). God hates war. I believe that God hates hell, deformities, addiction, and cancer.  But God also, to be sure, hated that he had to divorce Israel:

“And I saw that for all the adulteries of faithless Israel, I had sent her away and given her a writ of divorce, yet her treacherous sister Judah did not fear; but she went and was a harlot also.” (Jer. 3:8; see also Isa. 50:1)

So for God to say “I hate divorce” helps us recognize that divorce, as a part of the fallen order, is a result of sinfulness in the world and it is this that God hates. It also helps us recognize that divorce, like death and war, is sometimes a necessary part of a fallen world due to sinfulness.

Having said that, there are many disagreements about the issue of remarriage after divorce. I think that the primary passage that causes this particular trouble in dealing with divorce is Matt. 5:31-32 (and parallel passages):

“It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

Christ here uses divorce as an illustration for our consistent inability to live up to the standards of God’s perfection. I say “illustration” because it comes in the context of Christ’s shocking statement, “For I say to you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven” (v.20). What a terrifying statement that must have been. Christ then goes on to demonstrate how the traditional way that people view the law and righteousness is insufficient. “You have heard it said . . . But I say to you” was Christ’s way of telling the people that what was said before needs to be rethought and intensified. Why? Because fulfilling the requirements of what was said before does not make one righteous unless it is understood correctly. Christ shows that just because someone has never committed the act of murder, this does not make them innocent of the principle that prohibits murder; the spirit of the fifth commandment includes a benevolent disposition to others (vv. 21-26). He then does the same thing with adultery, teaching that the commandment prohibiting adultery goes much deeper than the actual act. One must have fidelity in his thoughts as well (vv. 27-30).

By saying these things in such a way, Christ is turning the Jewish people’s worldview upside down. The scribes and the Pharisees were the best-in-show. Surely, if they could not enter the kingdom by their righteousness, everyone is without hope. The Jewish leadership felt at ease with themselves because, according to their estimation, they had lived pretty good lives. They had not broken any of the commandments, so they were safe. Christ seeks to level the playing field by showing that all people are sinners, even the Jewish leaders. Why? Because everyone has broken the principles of the laws, even if they had managed to avoid breaking a particular expression of the law.

What we must realize about this entire section is that Christ’s argument employs much hyperbole and extreme rhetoric. Speaking of how serious it is, Christ says concerning lust, “If your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out.” I don’t know about you, but I have never seen even the most conservative Christian who has followed Christ’s advice here. Why? Because they understand it to be hyperbolic. This is not meant to water down the seriousness of Christ’s admonition, but to show that Christ, like any good teacher, used hyperbole to get a point across. Everything that Christ says in this section must be taken in the spirit of its intent. It is in this context that Christ makes his statement about divorce:

“It was said, ‘WHOEVER SENDS HIS WIFE AWAY, LET HIM GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE’; but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” (Mt 5.31-32)

Ouch! These are very shocking and hard words. But, we must realize that they are no less shocking and hard than the two previous admonitions concerning hatred and lust. I believe (albeit very timidly) that Christ’s words that anyone who divorces his wife makes her commit adultery, etc., must be taken in the same vein as the rest of His teaching in this context. In other words, Christ was using the same methodology to bring shock to his listeners so that all would see the drastic need that everyone has, no matter how good they think they are, for God’s mercy. This is not to say that what Christ says about hate, lust, and divorce are wrong and he really did not mean it; it is just to say that we need to keep this in perspective.

Let’s entertain for a moment the propositions that Christ did intend for us to follow this teaching about divorce literally in every case. What would happen? Well, I think we would have to interpret everything in this context the same way (including the gouging out of eyes and cutting off of hands). The outcome would be disastrous in many ways. This is what could conceivably take place: lusting itself would be an excuse for divorce since it is adultery (v. 28). As well, if you were to lust before you are married, and by lusting you have literally had sex with that person, then you are in God’s eyes joined to that person and are required to marry them (by Pauline extension in 1Cor 6:15). So, if this is the case, is it then God’s perfect will for me to find the first girl I lusted after and be “rejoined” to her so that she does not commit adultery? Of course not.

Craig Keener also provides some insight to this passage in Matthew 5:31-32 when he says,

“If He [Christ] intended this statement literally, the new union is adulterous; hence, sin occurs during every act of intercourse (not simply during the remarriage ceremony). In this case, we should not merely forbid divorced church members to remarry; we should regard their remarriages as adulterous unions and thus seek to break them up, even if the remarriages preceded their conversion” (Mark L. Strauss Remarriage after Divorce in Today’s Church, Zondervan: Grand Rapids, 2006, p. 104).

Let me take a brief moment and deal with 1 Corinthians and Paul’s comments on the subject. 1 Corinthians 7 is unique and deserves a fair amount of attention, but I will be brief. It is hard to understand many of Paul statements concerning the issue since many of the situations seem to be unique. Others are hard to reconcile and find one course of action that is always right. For example:

1 Corinthians 7:15 “Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.” What is the bondage here? Does it refer to the bondage of the marriage?

1 Corinthians 7:20 “Each man must remain in that condition in which he was called.” Does this represent a universal Pauline stance that a single person should never get married?

1 Corinthians 7:26-27 “I think then that this is good in view of the present distress, that it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you released from a wife? Do not seek a wife.” Is it because of the “present distress” that this entire passage is written? What is the “present distress” that makes Paul think the unmarried should not be “bound”? If the “present distress” is not present does this mean that the one “released” (divorced?) from his wife can seek to be bound to another? Are we, today, out of the “present distress”? If so, what does that do to the series of admonitions of 1 Cor 7?

1 Corinthians 7:29 “But this I say, brethren, the time has been shortened, so that from now on those who have wives should be as though they had none.” What does it mean to be married and live as though you had no spouse? Is it hyperbolic rhetoric to demonstrate the seriousness of our mission?

1 Corinthians 7:11 “But if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband.” But what if she burns (lusts)? Would this admonishment bend according to 7:9? In other words, Paul says that it is better to be married than to lust for sex (1 Cor 7:9), but that a divorced person must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to their former spouse. What if reconciliation is not possible, yet the person’s sexual drive is difficult to control (i.e. they are “burning”)? Which admonition takes priority? It is like an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object!

Divorce itself is bad, but I don’t think that these passages can be used to justify a strict admonition requiring perpetual celibacy in every case. I just don’t believe that the Bible is as clear here as many suppose, and as I have demonstrated.

Forgiveness and grace is something that we can take literally and act upon. For the person who has lusted in the past, we offer forgiveness, not a bride. For the person who has hated his brother, we offer grace, not the death penalty. For the person who has been divorced, shouldn’t we do the same?

This is what it boils down to and what I discuss during marriage counseling: is there any way possible to be reconciled to your former spouse without sacrificing your family’s safety? If so, I believe it is the Lord’s will to pursue this. If not, then grace and forgiveness are offered. At this point the practical issues of responsibility and maturity come into play. I suggest to people to make sure they have worked out the reasons for the previous divorce to be sure that any personal spiritual issues (including commitment) are not unresolved.

If you have been divorced and have remarried, by God’s grace and mercy enjoy the blessing of your marriage and build your family in a godly way. Don’t spend your time second guessing your decision to remarry. It will drive you nuts and create more problems than it might solve. After all, there is no decision that we make that doesn’t have some precursor of sin. As God’s providence finds its realization, we must understand that lives riddled with sin are all he has to work with. If this is not true, then grace is no longer grace.

In the end, I want to reiterate how difficult these issues are. I am not saying that there are no answers or that we should just throw our hands in the air, wipe the sweat off our brow, and opt for moral subjectivism. But we do need to tread these waters with great humility and timidity as the Scriptures present some ambiguity with regard to divorce and remarriage.

¹ It was because of obvious unresolved issues of a woman who had been divorced and remarried many times that I did not perform the ceremony. She simply did not take marriage seriously and I could see that. The couple went to the church down the street!Similar Posts:

• Divorce, Remarriage, and the Committed Christian
• Is Divorce Ever Biblical?
• What Makes Two People Married or Divorced?
• Is the Threat of Divorce Ever Justified?
• Is it Possible to Marry the Wrong Person?

Numbskull, n

“Thick-headed, dumb, oblivious to the obvious”

Many of you know, but some of you don’t. I spent the early years of my ministry (wait . . . these are still the early years!) doing many things. As a pastor at Stonebriar Community Church, I spent time in various departments: small groups, missions, evangelism, and singles. In fact, the primary role I settled into for many years was in the singles dept. While I don’t necessarily miss being a singles pastor, I miss all my singles tremendously (many of which are now married). I performed over thirty weddings in the a five year period. I saw a lot of “hook-ups.” I oversaw a lot of hook-ups!

While my philosophy of singles ministry was limited, it was very focused. I did not want our ministry to be a “meat-market.”

Meat-market, n

“A gathering with the primary purpose of hooking-up”

Therefore, when I taught, I taught too singles, but I intensionally did not speak about singles issues. (FYI: Single’s ministries can quickly become a self-help group—then it belongs in the counseling dept). This created an environment where there would be a timidity necessitated for those who only came for one thing—looking for a spouse. If people were to meet and “hook-up”, it would be “along the way” of their discipleship. We focused on their relationship with God, which is the most important aspect of preparation for “hooking-up”.

I am incredibly encouraged by the outcome the relationships that had their genesis in that ministry. All the marriages that I was a part of are still strong and moving in a very positive direction. In fact, if I did not have this as an anecdote for my thoughts, I might be very discouraged about the prospects for any marriage now days. Why? Because, outside of this environment, I have seen so many marriages that did not last.

Most of the time it seems that people are just not prepared to get married. They don’t take it seriously. They simply don’t want to be alone and they will search for solutions in the most unhealthy of places. Specifically, they look in where I would consider the worst of all places: the bars.

You may or may not be familiar with this phenomenon, but it effects more people than you think. It effects more Christians than you think. The bar, nightlife, drinking situations, and the like represent the default place to find that someone special. It is either churches that tailor to the meat-market ministries (usually because it brings in the beloved numbers) or the bars. Those of the defaults. I don’t really know which of the two are worse, because they are not that much different.

The pastor in me says this: Singles: Don’t look at either place. Neither are good. Both are filled with desperation. Both are filled with those who are misrepresenting themselves in order to accomplish their goal. For the most part, both are filled with selfish people who are wearing a mask. Both are filled with immaturity. Neither represent the “best-of” when searching for true character and someone who is truly following the Lord.

Wait…put on the brakes. Put it in reverse and go back to the fork in the road and come again Michael.

It was Sunday night at my favorite sports bar, the “Dug-Out.” It was five dollars all you could drink. I was 21. Perfect age for spouse hunting. That is where I met Kristie, my wife. Was I following the Lord? I was trying. I was praying. I was reading my Bible. But…I was at the bar. I wanted a Christian girl, but the local church meat market Tuesday nights was not providing the necessary environment nor the prospects. Let’s see how the meat was at the Dug-out. It was good that night. Kristie was there!

Kristie has so much shame about the way we met. She does not like to talk about it without a thousand qualifications in her defense. Why? Because it is embarrassing to her. She would love to say that we met in church or even at work. She would love to say that a friend introduced us. Anything but in a bar! Alas, this is our story. We met in a bar. In fact, the first words I said to her as she walked by my table and as I grabbed her shirt were, “Hey, before I get drunk, I want to tell you that I love you.” Oh yeah. What a line.

The problem with the way we met was that it evidences much immaturity. It represents all of that which, as a pastor, I don’t recommend. It is trouble waiting to happen. Lack of character, lack of godliness, lack of commitment to goodness, and a million other (bad) things.

Kristie and I can often be insecure in the way we met and where we me and this can translate into insecurity in our marriage.

But here is the issue: How much character does one have to have to make a decision to marry? I don’t know. Do they have to be perfect? Surely not. Do they have to be above being able to deceive or be deceived? Can’t be. How sanctified does one have to be before they can make the most important decision that they can make outside of trusting Christ? Where does grace come in?

Kristie and I are married. We are going to stay married. We fight for this marriage. But the battle does not come as a result of the way we met or where we met. Nor does it have to do with our maturity level when we got married. It does not have to do with any compatibility test we took or failed to take before we tied the knot. It has to do with the institution of marriage and the nature of such a relationship. It has to do with the fact that we are both selfish sinners. Marriage is hard. Very hard. And, yes, harder for some than for others.

While I would always encourage people to be as wise as they can when choosing a spouse, I don’t think anyone will ever be perfect. From a human perspective we can second-guess so many decisions, basing it and making a strong case (from our point of view) that the decisions were “wrong.” But when it comes the marriage, I think we need to be very careful. The whole idea of finding a “soul-mate” needs to be in the Christian garbage can.

The problem is when we set our hopes on this “soul-mate” perfect marriage “made in heaven” we automatically place the burden of the possibility of wrong choices on the shoulders of our marriage. “Maybe I was not supposed to marry Bill.” “Maybe it was not God’s will for me to marry Sarah.” “Maybe Michael and I made a mistake.” “Maybe Kristie and I were too immature to get married.” “Maybe we met at the wrong place and God is punishing us.” These are all the thoughts that, once seriously entertained, introduce a destructive virus that can itself be the charge for the end of your marriage. These thoughts are worse and more immature than anything you could have done wrong in the past.

God’s grace is very big. He does not say, “I will give grace to you so long as you make wise decisions.” Neither does he say, “My grace is available only to those who love me and do what I say.” God does not require perfection from sinners before he will bless a decision we make. Grace does not say “so long as . . .” about anything! If grace requires something from us, then it is not really grace. Grace is a free gift that has nothing whatsoever to do with the character of the receiver and everything to do with the character of the giver.

From a human perspective, I was at the worst place looking for a spouse, but this does not in any way suggest that this was not God’s will or that God could not bless it. God is sovereign. Did you know he is in control? Did you know that he only has sinners to work with as his plan comes into being? If God wanted us to wait until we were spiritually prepared to make all of life’s “big” decisions, no one would ever do anything because no one is ever truly spiritually prepared. Enter grace.

I write this for two reasons:

1. To continue to encourage singles to be wise. Hypocritically I say to you: don’t look in the bars or the meat-markets. I know how hard it is. I know how lonely it is. But those places are not the places to look.

Also, don’t set your expectations up too high. Meeting at the right place, taking compatibility tests, and doing everything the “right way” does not guarantee a relatively troubleless marriage. No matter how careful you are, both you and the one you marry are sinful and selfish. Get ready for it.

2. To encourage those who entertain the possibility that they did it wrong to give themselves and their marriage some grace. God is in control. I don’t believe you can marry the “wrong person.” While I understand it when people get divorces for many reasons, please understand that there is no way to make a perfect decision. We just trust the Lord and find him in the decisions that we have made. He is really a pretty big God and is not pulling his hair out over what we perceive to be wrong decisions. We are sinners. His grace works through and within our sinful decisions. If not, then he does not work at all.Similar Posts:

• Is it Possible to Marry the Wrong Person?
• "God Comes Before My Wife" . . . And Other Stupid Statements
• Should a Calvinist Marry an Arminian?
• What Makes Two People Married or Divorced?
• What Does Love Look Like in Marriage?

While I agree with those who say that homosexuality is a terrible sin (Lev. 18:22, 20:13 Rom. 1:27; 1 Cor. 6:6; 1 Tim. 1:10), I do not believe it is one that is outside the realm of a believer’s carnality. Neither do I believe that if one practices in homosexuality their entire life that they are necessarily excluded from the Kingdom of God. I hope that people do not misunderstand my purpose here. I, in no way endorse homosexual behavior or seek to relativise its abominable standing before the Lord. But I do think that we who are not tempted in such a way often fail to see the seriousness of the struggle that people go through who engage in this sin.

Sexual sin and temptation is part of everyone’s life. We are born with a drive toward fulfillment of this God-given part of our humanity. Some will deny this drive because of God’s calling in their lives (e.g. singleness). Yet sin has corrupted this drive and we are all born infected with sin. Because of upbringing, genetics, cultural influences, and other factors, people will experience this corruption to greater and lesser degrees. I personally have never felt any inclination toward expressing my sexual corruption in a way that was focused on the same sex. Why? Not necessarily because of good choices I have made, but because the genetics, upbringing, and influences were not there. I have just never had that sinful bent within me that compels me to lust after someone of the same sex. Don’t get me wrong. I have a sinful sexual bent, but it is of the more natural kind. This does not justify it or make me more innately righteous than the homosexual, it is just a fact that this is not a sin that I have ever had to deal with.

I thank God that this is the case because I know that whatever sinful bent I have it will get the better of me sometime. It is just the way it goes living with corruption. I also know that I will not be alleviated of my bents until the restoration of my body at the resurrection. I just have to do whatever I can to master it until then. And as the U2 song goes, “some days are better than others.” I can identify with sinners because I am one. I can identify with those who have a bent, because I have one (many actually). Therefore, when I see someone giving in to the bent of homosexuality, I am saddened. My heart goes out to them because their problem is essentially the same as mine. We have a corrupted nature that causes us to give in to our bents.

Now, back to the question of the hour. Can homosexuals be Christians? This is really a theological question that evidences a lack of understanding about sin and redemption. It reveals a major misconception about the nature of sin, placing homosexuality in its own category because of its depraved nature. While I do believe that homosexuality is a worse sin than many others (that is right, not all sins are equal like some would have us believe), I don’t believe that those who have that bent should be seen differently than others.

We could ask the question this way: Can people who have sinful bents be Christians? Of course. Who else can be? Christ was the only one that did not have a sinful bent. Okay then, how about this: Can people who have really bad sinful bents be Christians? Again, the only biblical answer is yes. People who have really bad sinful bents can be Christians. Really, the question that is being asked is this: Can sinners be Christians? Again, I say, is there any other kind?

Some would respond and say that while they are willing to concede that homosexuals can be Christians, they must be in the process of overcoming this sinful behavior. In other words, they must have consistent and perpetual victory over this bent. Hold on there. While I agree that homosexuals can and many times do have victory over this bent to the point where they redeem themselves completely from this lifestyle, I don’t necessarily think that this is always going to happen. I would say that in my life there are some bents that I feel I have had victory over, and some that remain as a nagging persistent web. This web is one of deception and destruction that can easily trip us up. Listen to the writer of the book of Hebrews:

“Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith” (Hebrews 12:1-2).

The writer of Hebrews says that it is “easy” to get entangled in this web. The passage warns of the ten euperistaton hamartian–literally, “the easy ensnaring sin.” I believe that the primary referent for “the easily ensnaring sin” is the sin of unbelief (the subject of the book), but this sin of unbelief expresses itself in the sin of the hour. In other words, the sin of unbelief leads forth to our practicing of our particular bent. Most importantly, it is “easy” to fall into this.

Again, while I agree that homosexuals can and should be overcoming this sin, it could be the case that they have become entangled in it. This entanglement may be the very acts of homosexuality or it might be the plight of struggling with it until redemption. It is no different for those of us who are not bent toward a homosexual lifestyle. Some of our most serious bents may plague us, literally, until Kingdom come.

Many refer to Paul admonishing the Corinthians to look back to their victory over sin, implying that they did not practice such things any longer or were completely delivered from them. One of these sins is homosexuality.

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).

While this seems straight forward upon a cursory reading, I don’t believe that it supports the case that homosexuals can’t be Christians for two primary reasons. First, the people to whom Paul was writing were sinners and were in the process of being rebuked by Paul. Notice here just three chapters back:

“And I, brethren, could not speak to you as to spiritual men, but as to men of flesh, as to infants in Christ. I gave you milk to drink, not solid food; for you were not yet able to receive it. Indeed, even now you are not yet able, for you are still fleshly. For since there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not fleshly, and are you not walking like mere men?” (1 Cor. 3:1-3).

They were fleshly. The sins described in 6:9-10 are fleshly sins. This means that the Corinthians were not necessarily doing well. Yet Paul says they were washed and sanctified. Now either Paul has a slight case of amnesia or we have to understand 6:9-11 differently which brings me to the second reason I believe that this passage cannot be used in support of the person who says homosexuals cannot be Christians. Paul identifies Christians with Christ, not with their sinful disposition. In Pauline thought, people who are clothed in Christ’s righteousness are no longer named according to their sinful bent, even if that bent may continue to entangle them. The Corinthians were entangled in their bents to be sure, but Paul sees them through the righteousness of Christ. This is why Paul could say “such were some of you.” This does not make their sinfulness any less severe, but it does say that Christ’s redemption, in Pauline theology, has redeemed the sinner, while still in a sinning state. Those without the covering of Christ’s righteousness are still identified with their sin in the eyes of God. Therefore, understanding this context, it is true, fornicators, thieves, covetous, homosexuals and all unrighteous people (those not covered by Christ’s righteousness) will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But thankfully, we have been covered by His righteousness and set apart, even though we are still sinners.

One more thing. I often hear this concession: While I believe that homosexuals can be saved, they cannot believe that homosexuality is approved by God or attempt to justify their sin. While I understand and agree with this to some degree, I still hold back and say that this is not always the case. We all have ways of justifying our bents, whatever they may be. Sometimes we minimize their seriousness, while other times we outright deny them. It is also often the case that we just do not ever deal with them. Peter lived twelve years after the resurrection of Christ justifying his belief that Jews were better than Gentiles. He lived twelve years after becoming a Christian believing that he, by virtue of being a Jew, was so much better than Gentiles that he would not even set foot in their house. Speaking to the Gentile Cornelius and his family, he said, “You yourselves know how unlawful it is for a man who is a Jew to associate with a foreigner or to visit him; and yet God has shown me that I should not call any man unholy or unclean” (Acts 10:28). What if Peter had died in year eleven? He would have died living his entire Christian life as a prideful racist. Racism is spoken of more in the New Testament as a mark of ungodliness than homosexuality. Therefore, while I believe that the conviction of the Holy Spirit should be there and it should change our hearts, we have this uncanny bent to justify our sinfulness to ourselves and to others or to just ignore it.

Having said all this, we all need to recognize the utter sinfulness of sexual perversion. Homosexuality is a sin, and a terribly destructive one at that. But we need to be careful and gracious with those who struggle with this sin, understanding that the struggle against sin is in the plight of us all. The solution is for us to be non-compromising to the political correct agenda of our culture to turn all sin into a perfectly acceptable lifestyle choice, but at the same time to be gracious, knowing that the only hope that anyone has is to be covered in Christ’s righteousness, not our own.

Can a homosexual be Christian. Yes. All sinners can be Christians. Indeed, all Christians are sinners. Let us all view this important issue in light of a deep understanding of the plight of sinfulness and may God help us to overcome the resulting bents.

“Sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it” (Genesis 4:7).Similar Posts:

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Question:

I have a deep love for the lady who I’ve been dating and I’m getting set to pop the question to her. 

I love apologetics. You know that. I love teaching it as well. However, apologetics is not God. It is not the gospel. No one’s ministry is God. I have told my Princess repeatedly that God will always be #1. She must be second place. I must put her before that without putting her before God. How can I teach and defend the gospel if I am not living it? Part of living it means giving my wife the proper place in my world.

So while I’m on that, let me ask you how you make a division. How do you keep up a life of study properly with a life of marriage? I know if I give all of my attention to study, well she’s deprived and that’s not right. On the other hand, if all I do is give her attention, well we don’t eat. I have to do both. I’d like your insight.

Answer:

Let me start by saying that Kristie and I love each other deeply and we are totally committed to each other. However, we have not had a “good” marriage by any stretch. I am not sure I should be saying this. Not because Kristie would not approve, but because it exposes something that causes me a great deal of shame to reveal. I wish that I could say that I had even a typically decent marriage, but I don’t think this is the case.

Kristie and I are worlds apart. Not only in personality, but spiritually as well. Well, let me qualify this some. I am not saying that one of us is super spiritual while the other is a dud, but that we are different. Kristie has never resented my ministry and has, at times, served as an encouragement. But she is not that interested in what I do. Theology is not her thing. The same is true for me with regard to her priorities. Sometimes it feels as if we are like magnets turned the wrong way. Our relationship is, for lack of a better word, clumsy. We have good chemistry in a very real way (which I am so thankful for), but, from a human standpoint, we are not a “match made in heaven.”

There is a lot more that can be said.

I don’t, at this point in my life, have a nice red bow that is coming in the form of a “but…” I am just giving you some of the background so you can understand my answer. If Kristie and I were to allow our relationship to go in a direction that “seems” natural, I think we would drift completely apart, she in her world, and I in mine. I could very easily say to myself that my work and ministry are far more productive than the treadmill of problems that come by way of my marriage. My ministry could easily get separated from my marriage and become the de facto priority of my day (and it sometimes does when I am in one of “those” moods).

However, I would say from experience that if your marriage is not going well, nothing is going well. Your ministry, insights, and everything else will suffer when your wife is not your priority. And if it does not, then that may be an even bigger problem: apathy. Apathy toward your marital relationship. Solution: Redirect all passion to ministry. What a terrible place to be. Understandable, but terrible.

“But, but, I am doing so much good in ministry. I suck at marriage.” I know how it feels, but don’t separate the two. Your marriage is and should always be your first and foremost ministry. Even if it is not as “successful” as your other pursuits, don’t compare them. Before God, you are called to love her and give yourself up for her as Christ did the church, even if you are worlds apart. Christ and the church were worlds apart, too.

(Sheesh…what self-therapy here.)

“But what if my wife keeps me from ministry? What if she only serves as massive speed bumps to my ‘calling’?”

I try to keep this in mind: God does not really need me. As much as I like to think I am significant (i.e., if I don’t get this blog done, this class taught, this person’s theology corrected, who will?), my family must come first. It is so easy to forget this or to become bitter towards your wife. There is a reason why we are told to treat them tenderly.

Your passions should not be divided, but they often will be. When it comes to the big decisions, always choose your family. When it comes to the big decisions, always choose your family. When it comes to the big decisions, always choose your family. That is something, I believe, you will not regret on your death bed. God has numerous ways to get done that which we felt like we were supposed to. If you are married, your primary area of service is your wife.

“But who comes first, God or my wife?”

Not a good way to put it. Not good at all. It is like saying, what comes first, God’s commandments or God himself. Most certainly, there are times when you will have to follow God rather than your wife, but this is not saying that God will ever call on you to neglect your responsibility to love her in order to serve him. While it is true that you put God first, I don’t know how to separate that from putting your wife first. In other words, you put your wife first precisely because you put God first.

For those of you who have a passion for ministry, do not separate this from your passion for your family. Don’t become bitter, apathetic, or dismissive towards the wife that God has given to you. She is your first ministry. If you do well with her, you have done better than one who writes, speaks, blogs, and preaches for God to the neglect of his wife.

As hard as it is for me to say, if your ministry is not providing for your family, find something that will.Similar Posts:

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It was early on in Dr. Mark Young’s missions class that the epiphany came to me. It was from the Lord, I was sure. My passion for theology, truth, and changing the world were rising every day. Dreams were big, but they were about to get a lot bigger. Mark had been talking about the importance of missions (of course…it was a missions class). Contextualization, culture, redemptive analogies, and the like were all being discussed every day. Our passions were on the rise as Mark told his stories about his time in Poland. He could hardly hold back the tears and neither could we.

The next week he brought up a map. He showed us the break down of the world in relation to the Great Commission. “You are here.” You know how maps are. We were in Dallas. He showed us from there where all DTS grads were serving. I think that they were marked with a pin. There was a high concentration of pins around the Dallas area showing that many DTS grads stayed close. There was also a high concentration of grads in a fifty states. They were everywhere. Oklahoma, California, Nebraska, Washington, New York, Illinois, New Mexico, and every place else in the United States. When we looked beyond the United States, their was no famine for the need of pins. There were only a few, comparatively speaking, in other countries. Mark began to explain how 95% of the graduates from DTS stayed in the United States, while only 5% served abroad. However, as he explained, 95% of the need was in other countries that did not have the Gospel, theological training, or churches. It was alarming and Mark’s passion for missions made the alarm that much louder.

Well I heard the call that day loud and clear. I knew what I was called to do. I was not sure before, but the Lord’s voice was coming through like a megaphone. I was supposed to go overseas. I was supposed to be a missionary!

When I got home, Kristie attempted to probe for the passion and the source of my excitement. I held back some naively thinking it was going to be a surprise. I wanted to walk her through all I had learned and let the excitement build in her as it had in me. I told her everything we had been learning doing my best to work without the pins. I explained to her how much of a famine for the Gospel existed in other parts of the world. Then, when the time was just right, I gave her the “good” news: “We are going to be missionaries!!!”

Let’s just say that the rehearsal in my mind did not mirror the actual events. I thought that Kristie would be excited. I thought that her heart would break for those less fortunate people. I thought that she would hear the Lord’s voice as clearly as I did. But such was not the case. She began to cry . . . and these were not the type of tear I wanted.

I struggled with this quite a bit. We discussed, argued, and strong armed each other for some time. It became a very difficult spiritual battle for me. Kristie made it clear that she was not going to go to another country. Her thoughts were on the children and the well being of the family. Her thoughts were on the community that she knew and loved. She would either stay in Dallas or go back to Oklahoma City. Those were the only two options. It was the very antinomy of our lessons on missions. To me, she was quenching the great commission. She was quenching God himself!

Thus began quite a struggle. Was I a follower of the Lord or follower of my wife? That was the question as I began to see it. In fact, I began to think that if Kristie would not go with me, I would go alone. After all, which is the greater good: staying married or saving souls? Or better, which is the greater evil: divorce or not following God’s call?

Then one day in class Mark had his wife Priscilla come and give her testimony of her life out on the mission field. I admired her so much. She was the perfect wife. She understood the priority of the call of the Lord. It broke my heart that my wife was not like her.

That night I decided to resort to some drastic measures. I decided to have an intervention. This was not a drug or alcohol intervention, but a spiritual one and my wife was the subject. This has to work, I thought to myself. I began to discuss these things with my wife once again and, as usual, things were not going to well. It was then that I pulled out my ace in the hole—the trump card. I called Mark Young at home. “Mark, this is Michael Patton from your missions class” I said. “Hello Michael, what can I do for you?” I then proceeded to explain how effective his course had been on me. I told him that I had been called into missions, but there was a hang-up that I thought he could help with. I told him the situation with Kristie and asked if he could talk to her. (Oh yeah…this was going to be good.)

However, the phone never met my wife’s ears that night. Mark immediately put me on hold. After a minute or two so a woman’s voice came on the phone. I was Priscilla. Oh, good strategy, I thought to myself. Let’s let the wives discuss this together. However, Priscilla did not want to talk to Kristie. She wanted to talk to me. And it was not in a nice voice. She proceeded to . . . ahem . . . terrify me tell me how it really was and what I was going to do. For the next five minutes I listened to this wonderful woman as I shrank to the size of a peanut. She did not hold back either.

What was here message? In essence it was this: “Michael, God is not going to call you into something that he does not also call your wife into.” You can add about a hundred exclamation points after that and you will catch my drift. I would not even be surprised if there was not a curse word thrown in here or there. I can’t remember. “If God sovereignly calls you into something, do you think he is going to forget about your wife?” she continued. “If she is against it, it is not his will. Period!”

Well, so much for that idea.

That conversation changed me. It changed my marriage. I will never forget it and never be able to express how much of an effect Priscilla’s boldness had on me that night. She helped to re-prioritize this passionate and selfish maverick. She helped me to know that my first priority in ministry is to my wife and family. In a very real sense, Priscilla saved my marriage from my passion for ministry.

Paul tells Timothy, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever” (1Tim. 5:8). I lost sight of that. I was very immature. My idea that the greatest good was spreading the Gospel and the only way to do that was to go where I felt I was being called. I was almost ready to lose my testimony in order to testify for Christ.

Since then I have seen this situation more times than I can count. It is usually always the same: a zealous husband who has become embittered against his wife because she will not follow him in his zealousness. One good friend just got a divorce because his wife did not want to become a missionary. He thought it was the Lord’s will and he believed her unwillingness was keeping him from a “greater good.” Now, after the divorce, his immaturity has disqualified him from taking that step even by himself. Another friend is becoming embittered toward his wife because her focus is elsewhere. Their marriage is suffering. I could tell many more stories, but I don’t want to betray anyone’s confidence.

Friends (and especially young zealous husbands or soon to be husbands), don’t make the mistake of having your passion for ministry end your marriage. You first ministry is your marriage. If you don’t get that, you are not qualified for ministry. In the spirit of Priscilla: Do you not think that God is powerful enough to call you both into ministry or do you think he only has enough power to call one of you? If so, then he is not a God worth your time anyway. In short, if God does not call your wife, he is not calling you. Period

Thanks Priscilla.

(Please note that there were over 200 comments on this post before we had our server problems. If your comments got lost, I am sorry.)Similar Posts:

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