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I remember many years ago talking with a friend of mine about another friend. There was something about this guy that we did not like, but we could not put our finger on it. We knew this: He made us uncomfortable. He made things stuffy. You really did not know what to say when he was around. Time with him was always awkward. We would have to walk on egg shells in fear of saying the wrong thing. The wrong thing would always cause the conversation to go in a totally unexpected way.

Finally, we figured it out. He took himself too seriously.

Since last week I have been in a conversation with a guy that thinks differently than I on many theological issues. From a distance, I would think that we would not get along at all. But such is not the case. Though we differ in many ways—passionately differ—we are having the best time in this long-distance fellowship. Why? Because this guy knows how to lighten things up in order for conversation to take place. He is very wise. He intentionally does not take himself too seriously at pivotal points. He lightens the conversation when it begins to become burdensome. He recognizes it is not about him or what I think of him. 

Chuck Swindoll used to say (you know I have a quote from him!), “Don’t take yourself too seriously…after all, no one else does!”

Sometimes we get caught in a trap of taking ourselves too seriously about everything. We take ourselves so seriously that our relationships suffer. We take ourselves so seriously that no one wants to be around us. We take ourselves so seriously that we lose all our influence. We take ourselves so seriously that the very thought of being around us becomes burdensome. Some of us just need to lighten up . . . a lot!

Some characteristics of those who take themselves too seriously:

• Can’t look bad in front of others
• Are always concerned about their image as they think others see it
• If someone thinks badly about them they respond in anger, sometimes even violence
• Disgruntled attitude 
• Always have to get in the last word (or they might look bad)
• Always must respond (book length) to what others say bad about them
• If they get a hate email they delete it and never think about it again
• Always trying to prove themselves to everyone else
• They are the martyr in every circumstance
• Can’t take it when people make light-hearted jokes about them
• They are always right
• Joyful and lighthearted
• They see themselves as the example of truth, stability, and excellence in humanity
• Never can be the butt of a joke
• Most certainly, they will  never be found making fun of themselves

Oh, and here are some adjectives that go along with it: annoyed, testy, bellyaching, crabby, cranky, always disappointed, peeved, put out, discontent, discontented, griping, always irritated about some thing, malcontent, malcontented, and sulky. Continue Reading »

Revised, updated and massively expanded.

(Please note: these are not really meant to be serious. This in no way reflects my doctrine—don’t go there. Lighten-up! After all, it is categorized under “funny”).

1. “Heads bowed, eyes closed . . .”: During a church service, you may hear a preacher abruptly break into this unexpected dialogue with the audience: “Heads bowed, eyes closed. If you have accepted Christ into your heart [more later], I want you to raise your hand.” Don’t get scared. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. It is not a fancy way to steal your money or pull anything sneaky. It is the preacher’s way of helping the uncomfortable seeker feel more at ease about accepting Christ. It is best if you just follow instructions here.

2. “Into the Word”: This is a portion of an important phrase that may be communicated by seasoned Christians in many different contexts. It always has reference to the Bible. Yes, I know, the Bible is more than one word, in fact it is thousands, but once you are a Christian, it becomes singular and has a definite article, “the,” attached to it. If you hear someone say, “Are you in the Word?,” this is another way of saying, “You need to read the Bible if you are going to be spiritual like me.” IMPORTANT: This has no relation to the phrases, “Word to your mother,” “Word up,” or just plain “Word.”

3. Backslidden: This has no reference to the past event of sliding down a hill on your back. It is used to refer to those Christians who are now suspect in their original confession due to their current participation in a particular sin.

4. “Ask Jesus into your heart”: Although there is nowhere in Scripture that people are commanded to ask Jesus into their heart, this has become the primary means by which Evangelicals believe a person becomes a Christian. Don’t be scared here. Heart surgery, high cholesterol, and cardiovascular exercise (or lack thereof) have no bearing on Christ’s presence in your heart. He does not actually live there.

5. Soul Winning: Please understand, this  is not a game. It is the act whereby one person tells another about Christ and the person believes, thereby having their souls “saved” (i.e. “won”). I know that normally if there are winners, you would think there are losers, but not in Soul Winning.

6. “I see that hand . . .”: This is related to #1. The pastor has just asked for raised hands while everyone’s heads are bowed and eyes closed. “I see that hand” can mean one of two things: 1) Someone is indicating that they have accepted Jesus by raising their hand. 2) The pastor is acting like someone has to be more heroic and finance the new building. VERY IMPORTANT: Avoid any temptation to look for the hand when the pastor says “I see that hand.” Although science is inconclusive, we are not sure if you looking for the hand raised has any bearing on the effectiveness of the salvation process. It is best to be safe and avoid giving in to this temptation. To be very spiritual, just thank the Lord for that person and pray that they become a Calvinist.

7. Contemporary Christian Music: Avoid at all costs. Yes, many of your Christian friends will act as if they like it. Musicians, sociologists, and psychologists are perplexed as to the reasons why. We believe it is due to the pressured environment of the Christian community for Christians to do all things Christian, but this has no bearing on your salvation. Please, don’t feel pressure to like it.

8. Christian Movies: See “Contemporary Christian Music.”

9. Baptism: The spiritual act of going under water. Yeah, I know, most people don’t understand it, but you must do it anyway. Oh, also, someone else has to push, drop, or lower you; otherwise, it is ineffective.

10. “Blessed”: This word must take the place of many words, but the most important replacement is with the word “luck.” Super-spiritual Christians (SSC) will often be offended and pugnaciously correct you if you ever say, “Good luck.” Even if you are just using it as a casual phrase with the best of intentions, the SSC will see it as an opportunity to correct you and show you how Christian they are compared to you by saying “I don’t believe in luck, only God’s blessings.” When you have someone correct you, just act as if you have learned something and then be on your way.

11. The Water that Jesus Turned into Wine was Diluted to a Watery Grape juice: Although there is no biblical, historic, or cultural evidence to suggest it, you must believe that Christ did not turn the water into wine, but into watery grape juice. This is a cardinal doctrine.

12. Lord’s Table (Baptist): It goes by many other names, but this represents the time when you eat a really small cracker and a small cup of grape juice and afterwords are more spiritual because of it. Think mystery. It is very important to know that this is not the church providing lunch. As well, those who are on the Atkins diet cannot become Christian because of the high carbs in both the juice and cracker.

Lord’s Table (Presbyterian/Anglican/Methodist/Catholic): Free booze.

13. Public Prayer: You will often find yourself in a situation where others are praying and you don’t know what to do. As a general rule, you should remain quiet and attempt to pray with them. If your mind drifts just try to make a quiet, yet slightly audible, sounds like “um” (not “ummmm”), “yes Lord,” and “amen.” They may be completely out of context, but you will still be better off. This is very well accepted.

14. God D*%n: The only phrase that you can use that will immediately let others know that you are not a Christian and the only exception to the once-saved-always-saved doctrine (despite the fact that it is not really taking God’s name in vain).

15. “Jesus”: This is an acceptable answer to pretty much every question in the Christian community. For example: Who is God? Jesus. Why are you alive? Jesus. Why are we here? Jesus. What website were you looking at? Jesus. What did you learn about today? Jesus. What is your favorite music? Jesus. What book are you reading? Jesus. Why don’t you want to go to _________ with me? Jesus. What planet is that? Jesus. It always works.

16. “Jesus!”: Bad word, see # 14.

17. Rush Limbaugh: This is the only person in existence who has not asked Jesus into their heart but is nonetheless going to heaven. Continue Reading »

I am currently in my 3rd semester of Greek, plodding through Dan Wallace’s grammar.  One thing that has fascinated me about the language is how the tense, mood and voice of the verb can so steer the direction of the text.   The syntax that we are currently learning, fine tunes it with many shades of color.  Nonetheless, even the basic elements of the verb dictate so much information.

As I’ve learned the different tenses, moods and voice, it has occurred to me that they can explain basic personality types and their doctrinal/theological persuasions.  So here are some personality types in the active voice (they perform the action) and indicative mood (presents an assertion of certainty).  What a fascinating study!

Present tense:  indicates either a continuous or undefined action usually occurring in the present time.

The Explorer: this personality type is prone to spontaneity.  To them, life is a continual journey that is meant to be explored.  This type has little structure in their life and can usually be found looking for the nearest party.  They most likely will gravitate towards the emerging/emergent church, have Brian McLaren, Rob Bell and Mark Driscoll in their google reader and think John MacArthur is a fascist.

Future tense:  describes an action that will occur in the future

The Dreamer: This personality type is a visionary and dreams big.  Don’t sweat this person with details because they probably can’t remember where they laid their keys five minutes ago or how much money they have in the bank.  People with this personality type suffer from eternal optimism that may not be too grounded in reality.  This type is typically drawn towards megachurches but doesn’t care for any nitpicky doctrinal issues.  As long as Jesus is mentioned is fine because Jesus said ‘greater works that these will you do’.

Imperfect tense:  describes a continuous action that usually occurs in the past

The Realist: Of all these tenses, this personality type is the most grounded.  They understand from whence they came and are comfortable with charting a steady stream.  They are quite responsible and dependable but lack imagination.  If charted off course, they can quickly become a Debbie Downer.  They most likely will choose land surveying as a career and be Presbyterian.

Aorist tense:  describes an undefined action usually occurring in the past

The Sympathizer: This type understands that they don’t have it quite together.  Whatever dings or positives have existed in their life is part of the puzzle to figure out and their life’s mission is to help others figure out their paths.  They might fall asleep in a theology class but thrive on trying to understand what makes their roommate or spouse tick.  Everyone should get Biblical counseling and they are prone to be counselors themselves.  God would call them to no other place than a Bible church with social programs.  Anything else would be less healthy.

Perfect tense:  indicates an action that was completed in the past that has an on-going impact

The Perfectionist: This person has arrived!  They know what they know and why they know it.  They have dotted their own “I”s and crossed their own “T”s and want nothing more than to instruct others in the error of their ways.  They are convinced that Matthew was mistaken in that the log resides in the other person’s eye, not to be compared with the mere speck in their own eyes.  And they wished Jesus had called them out of the boat instead of that faithless Peter.  For this type, counseling is of the devil and the King James version is the only inspired Bible.  This type would not be caught dead in one of those “carnal” churches and feels more comfortable where the holiness movement is praised.

Passive Voice:  All tenses in the passive voice receives the action of the verb.

The Victim: all personality types above in the passive voice are victims.  Whatever has happened in their life has not been their fault and their prayers are constantly directed towards correcting wrongs committed against them by others.  This type is typically a church hopper and longs to be on Dr. Phil.

The next phase of study will explore the imperative and subjunctive moods and middle voice.  Stay tuned!

Help me out here folks . . . Let’s have some fun and for those (like me) who are Evangelical, don’t take yourself too seriously. (Take note, I am talking about pop-evangelicalism).

I will start.

1. If you are asked about the history of the church and you give the history of your local building campaign, you might be an Evangelical.

2. Believe that hell is going to be populated by Catholics (except for Mel Gibson), the Clintons, Mormons (with a special dispensation for Glen Beck), the staff of New York Times (all of them), Rosie Odonnell, all of the people from the East coast and West coast (with a special hot spot for Hollywood), Brian McLaren, and all Liberals, you might be an Evangelical.

3. If you ask someone how their spiritual life is going and you really mean “Have you been doing your morning daily devotionals,” you might be an Evangelical.

4. If your favorite vacation spot is Branson MO, you might be an Evangelical.

5. If you think Kurt Cameron should get the academy award for best actor in Fire Proof, you might be an Evangelical. Continue Reading »

HT: Carrie

10. Thought he would be raptured before he got there anyway.

9. Thought that the other side was for the ‘Israel’, and this side was for the ‘church’.

8. Charles Ryrie was still on this side of the road, why cross?

7. Thought it was pointless since Jesus was just going to bring him back after 7 years.

6. Like the OT prophets and the church age, he was unable to see the other side.

5. He was afraid that if he went, there would be nothing to restrain the man of lawlessness.

4. He was not a part of the dispensation of ‘crossing’.

3. Dallas Theological Seminary hadn’t yet published anything telling him how to do it.

2. Thought there was a two thousand foot gap between the 69th and 70th step.

1. By taking a consistently literal approach, he thought that ‘cross the road’ meant something about the crucifixion.

That was great. And you all thought I was not wear bells of equal opportunity.

I guess we should work on the Charismatic more now?

(Thanks to Reforming and CMM for their help in the comment of the last post.)

Top ten reasons why the Reformed Theologian did not cross the road:

10. A woman already crossed, and he would be in sin if he followed

9. The road is not safe if it wasn’t built between 1500-1700 AD

8. He believes that “road crossing” has ceased

7. The crossing guard was only helping people cross from one side, so he suspiciously thought he was denying double pre-destination

6. Romans 9 says nothing about crossing roads

5. The “Walk” sign was gender neutral

4. The road was called Tiber Ave

3. John Wesley said that God’s prevenient grace would pave the way, but he had to take the steps himself

2. He wasn’t elected to cross before the foundation of the road

1. Piper said that God is most glorified when we are most satisfied where we are

Now we just need one for Evangelicals, Fundamentalist, and Arminians. Care to take a stab?