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Blogs to God: 10/30/12

Lord, I am thankful to you that I have yet to experience anything like the dreaded time of 2010. I still don’t know the reason such a depth of depression came upon me, and you know that I am weary of trying to figure it out.

When I left you for those three days, I have never felt so lost. My life–-you—were taken from me. Along with that, all meaning, hope, and happiness. My faith was gone and along with it any hope for joy. My kids were rocks, my wife was a plant, and all people were, to me, as worthless as a scrap of metal. That is what life is like without you. I understand that now. My best thought is that you were teaching me what it was to be in such darkness. I had never experienced it before. Yes, you know, there were (and are) many times when I think, “Is this all really true?” But such thoughts, until 12:01 pm on that dreaded day, March 15, 2010, were merely fleeting. At least they were fleeting until the crash of my soul. For three days you allowed a coroner’s blanket to be laid over my spirit. I know now that if I were to have died during this time, I would be with you now. I think I even knew it then. Somehow I knew you were responsible. I knew that you were teaching me a lesson. But it will take me many more years to realize the purpose of such things.

Has a child ever woken up to see their parents were dead? That feeling could be said to have shared the land of my darkness, but it still was close to the shore. My darkness was even more hopeless. My cries were even more desperate.

But you rescued me from the despair. You pulled me up out of the mire. Continue Reading →