Amigo –

Thank you for your encouraging words, your confidence in this process and your prayer support!!

Jess P –

Where, if I may ask, was this missionary campus in Colorado? I’m from Colorado so I’m curious. Also random in relation to your story, I’m living in China directly across the river from NK. Thank you for sharing your struggles and victories regarding this topic!

KBB,
What a great response to Lee! There is definitely a purpose in all of this. As evangelicals we seem to have diminished the traditional Christian creed of “faith seeking understanding.” Instead, we have take on “faith in fear of understanding” and when real questions arise we don’t know how to handle them.

Michael Patton and this website is a perfect example of “faith seeking understanding.” The Christian faith has nothing to fear from honest, deep investigation. I trust God, and pursue the answers to my questions with the confidence that they are out there. In the process, my understanding of God may change, my interpretation of theology may change as well, and surely the way I understand myself will change as the Spirit convicts me and draws me into all truth…but the truth of the gospel will remain true…so do not fear, but instead honestly pursue what God is doing in your life during these times of questions and dryness.

I will (continue) to pray for you and have confidence that if you look into the rich historical answers to the questions that you are asking (and that I have struggled with), you will find deeply satisfying answers that speak to the heart and the mind.

Lee, it’s me – the missionary – talking

I definitely hear your comments about the enemy and agree that he was involved. My prayer when this all began was “God, please protect my mind and my heart against the enemy.” However, my frustrations about the church did not spring up suddenly. They have existed for quite some time at different levels as have my thoughts on conversion that I wrote about above. What did surprise me was my complete questioning of my faith at such a deep level and the timing of it.

This may not make sense, but although I have many questions and there is a type of distance from God, I also have a peace and a confidence that I’m handling things correctly now. I truly feel like God has his hand in where I am – adamately researching. He gave me this brain to use it! I’m not cursing God or asking “where are you?” or running in the opposite direction. I’m confidently walking down an intellectual path to find truth. I’m not approaching this in a manner to disprove my faith but instead to hopefully confirm it. I’m no longer pushing things to the side simply because I think I should for the sake of “having faith” or resisting spiritual warfare (which again, I think sw is very real). And, for protection, I have people praying for me in ways that I cannot right now.

I finally and honestly feel like there is purpose in all of this.

It’s amazing to me how this seems to hit people. Does anyone consider that the enemy is at the core of all this? Especially this missionary. She was walking along with God, who was her buddy, and suddenly she’s plagued by doubts and negative thoughts about the church. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy, which includes our faith, our relationship with the church, our relationship with other Christians, our relationship with the Lord, and anything else he can get his hands on. He’s not fussy and he’s willing to take just a little bit at a time, if he can.

You have to test the spirits. We too quickly assume that every thought that comes into our head is our own. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s the enemy.

Extremely suspicious to me, is the fact that this happens in times of closeness to God.

I admit to my shame I have struggled with doubt. A true Christian would never doubt, ever or basically that was what I was taught for so many years. I will admit I am stunned seeing someone take an interest in the loss of faith of another person, unless that person is in the public eye or part of the apologetic famous etc. When I struggled with my doubt the only thing I heard was the echo of my own voice. Actually when I was ready to pack it in, it was Atheists that said, dont leave your faith because your hurt, only if it is a conviction. The faith family, was basically go ahead be an apostate, no loss. I do agree it would have been, and still would be no loss but that is a different post.

…continued

Anyway, I had to find a place that fit what God was calling me to do. So I went to school and started working on short films as an audio guy and now I am producing commercials and recording bands on the side. It is wonderfully fulfilling work that directly serves people and let’s me create.

So how does God benefit from my life? I’ve got to assume that it is the joy of a Father for his son, and I think he is content at leaving it at that. It’s a beautiful thing.

(BTW I still have a desire to do missions work. Maybe soon I will be able to travel overseas and do a documentary or even live overseas and teach art and music to kids. It’d be great. Maybe even in N. Korea.)

Well, that’s some of my story. That all leads up to my own “dark night of the soul” as my former missionary friends start disavowing Christ and I begin work in a secular/cheesy-Christian culture. A couple authors have kept me sane through my own, although shallow, intellectual exploration of faith. Tim Keller’s “Reason for God” is wonderful. Everything written by C.S. Lewis. N.T. Wright is great. I also enjoy books that deconstruct: “Pagan Christianity” by Frank Viola, George Barna; “How (Not) to Speak of God” by Peter Rollins; And recently I have been developing an odd fondness for Post-Post-Modernist-Atheist-Marxist-Communist Slavoj Zizek, if nothing for his odd fascination with Christianity and Christ. Check him out all over youtube.

KBB,

You said “What does it say about my faith that I don’t feel compelled to convert people?”

I feel the same way, and I even just had a small falling out with a friend of mine because he basically told me that my unwillingness to do street evangelism may be because of a hard heart and implied that I don’t really care about people or love Jesus. It makes me mad even now as I type it.

I have never felt compelled to convert people and have never led anyone in a “sinner’s prayer” despite about 10 years of ministry. But I know where I fit: leading people in worship, being creative, and teaching. My bad experiences with evangelism stem from people trying to manipulate me into thinking that if I’m not leading someone in a prayer of repentance, my work is somehow incomplete or lacking. That is not the case.

You said “Deep in the pit of my stomach there is something that has existed since I was a little girl…it is the belief that everyone deserves to know what it is to be loved.” That is the call of God on your life. Don’t ever question the pit of your stomach. That’s where the seeds of the Gospel sprout. It will give you the stamina to go to hard places and do difficult things with joy and peace.

There are practical difficulties. I came to a breaking point where I had to leave ministry to go to school, because following creative endeavors was not something I could do with good conscience in an organization who’s purpose was mainly training and evangelization.

On the missionary campus where I lived in Colorado, I was known as the guy who was trying to get into North Korea. I never made it, but I did get to the boarder. : ) The South Korean families would invite me over for Bolgolgi and Kim Chi all the time. So good. Anyways, I was praying hard that God would just tell me clearly what to do, so I could just do it. I was so frustrated and I was crying. God spoke quietly to my heart and asked “Well, what do YOU want to do?” Immediately I thought about doing music and design. Before I could correct myself God spoke softly “Then do it.” Something in me broke and I wept.

Shortly afterwards I applied at a recording conservatory and was accepted. I remember I was playing bass for a extended prayer and worship session, part of a day of fasting. People had been sharing about stuff that God had been speaking to them. I felt compelled and I got up in front of all these missionaries and told them about my frustrations, my prayer time, and how I got accepted to the conservatory.

I finished by saying “I am not called to go to North Korea.” They applauded. It was bizarre. Normally people got up to speak of their commitment to missions, and here I was saying how God had not called me. Strange, yet wonderful. A friend of mine came up after me and confessed he wasn’t called to Tibet, a place he had been dedicated to for years. Now he runs a successful student ministry in Thailand with his wife and small children.

Continued…

DB,

We can only encourage you strictly by our own testimonies or beliefs, which is something I want to reiterate the difference upon here. While we can all encourage and identify with you, in the end it is up to you whether you believe or not. Your salvation depends upon that alone, and that is what you have to decide upon. We cannot save you, only the Lord can. He does not hold other Christians, right or wrong, responsible for that.

That, and that alone, should be the influence upon your final decision, not what anyone else thinks. I hope you will take that into consideration and remember it is not ultimately the decision based upon whether other Christians have hurt or helped you, but that your salvation is dependent solely upon God will ultimately question you on what you have you have or haven’t chosen to believe, based upon what his Son did upon the cross. That’s what it ultimately boils downs to, not what others have done, or not, to influence you.

Please do not ever forget that.

Thanks KBB,
That’s a well thought out response. If you are interested in studying “the historical Jesus,” then I’d begin with reading an introduction. Take something like “Jesus: A Short Life” by John Dickson, who is a historian at Macquarrie University in Australia. Here’s the link. It’s a good introduction. Three other books that are interesting would be, “Jesus: The Evidence” by James Dunn, “Jesus Outside of the New Testament” by Robert Van Voorst and “The Historical Jesus” by Gary Habermas. Each gets at the basic issues and “evidence.” Another old, but good book on New Testament issues is F.F. Bruce’s “The New Testament Documents: Are They Reliable?” I’m confident that after reading some of these that you will see why I ended up at a moderate/conservative position despite viewing it from an atheist perspective at the time.

After you get a good footing in the issues, you can jump into the more scholarly stuff. Start reading N.T. Wright’s three volumes on the historical Jesus (warning: each volume is about 800 pages). They are “The New Testament and the People of God,” “Jesus and the Victory of God,” and finally “The Resurrection of the Son of God.” I’d also suggest you read “Lord Jesus Christ” by Larry Hurtado to get an introduction into early Christian beliefs. I’d also recommend anything by Richard Bauckham, Martin Hengel, E. Earle Ellis, D.A. Carson and Michael Bird that you can get your hands on.

Now, you might not take this seriously, but it’s critically important. In your quest for truth, read books not blogs. It’s very easy to Google something and read every opinion possible on the topics, but rarely are these opinions well educated, nor are their arguments and criticisms often well thought out. Even this site, which has a ton of good information on it, doesn’t live up to the intellectual rigor put into the books mentioned above.

Finally, don’t fear that you will come out on the other side not believing! There is a reason that the word “remember” appears nearly 150 times in the Hebrew Bible. We are supposed to remember (and savor) those moments when God’s presence is clear. You’ve experienced that already, so remember what God has done. We are supposed to remember the accomplished work of Christ on our behalf (no matter how intellectually or emotionally hard it might be at the time to do so). He has redeemed you from the pit already, and will not let you fall back in.

Continue to honestly, openly and passionately open your heart to God and ask Him to guide your study. As I said above, my head came before my heart, but it was the daily repetition of continuing to open myself up to God despite the doubts and pain that God used to (re)bring me to faith.

I have to say again how encouraging it is to me that you all would take the time to share your thoughts and journeys. Thank you.