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Confession Time . . . I am a Manipulator
by C Michael PattonMarch 3rd, 2009
17 Comments
I am a manipulator.
My mother said this to me while I was growing up. I can’t remember all the particulars of what I did to warrant such a charge, but I do remember somewhere in the back of my mind agreeing with her. I have noticed it lately as I deal with my ten year old daughter. She is the master. Or, she is my padawon. My other daughter and my wife don’t know how to manipulate. But me and Katelynn do.
Let’s just focus on me.
Manipulation is a terrible sin. The dictionary says that to manipulate is to “To influence or manage shrewdly or deviously.” There is a good and a wise sense in which one can manipulate and there is a devious way in which one can manipulate. Manipulators such as myself do both. I want to describe (confess) the negative sense here for a moment.
I make situations in which I have done something wrong, look right and turn myself into the victim. I can think of a better way to put it. I feel for Kristie when I am in mode. I can make myself look righteous based upon small things thereby taking focus away from my problems.
I redirect fault and justify wrongs. Maybe that is a better way to put it.
Wait . . . here is another way to put it: I strain out others gnats and secretly swallow camels. The worst part about it is that I can shape arguments and conversations in such a way to where response and objections carry no rhetorical weight, even though they may be true. I make myself look good based upon my “wise” redirecting.
For instance, Katelynn, my daughter just now asked a question. I will stop and recount for you.
She wants an iPod so bad that this is all she thinks about. I get on to her for focusing on such “worldly” things. She said to me, “Dad, I am going to ask you something and I want you to wait until I am done before you answer and you can’t get mad at me. Okay?” “Okay,” I said (oh boy, what is coming?). She continued, “What if I save up money? Can I get an iPod and it will be mine?” “Of course,” I responded. “But why don’t you just save that money and give it to someone who really needs it?” She said, “Why didn’t you do that with your iPod?” I responded, “First, I don’t like iPods. I hate Apple.” Notice the redirect to build a foundation for me having to have something I really don’t want (what a load). “Second,” I said, “I have to have it for ministry. [Now it is spiritual for me to have one]. Lots of people have iPods and I need it so that I can make sure the ministry’s mp3 downloads work on the iPod.” What a godly person I am to have something that I don’t want. At this point I have manipulated my the situation by making my character look better and motives look better than hers.
Let me take the second step in this dance. This step is the most important problem with manipulators. We sometimes don’t know if we are telling the truth or manipulating. In my mind, as I make the argument (as illustrated above), it serves not only to convince her of my integrity, but now I am convinced. Manipulators manipulate themselves. Now I begin to believe what I say. Small arguments that may or may not represent true motives become the truth in the my mind. In fact, after I have made such a well constructed argument, I would be confident enough to present this to God himself.
Once a manipulator has taken such a turn, it is almost impossible to make them see the truth. We take a situations and twist it into a beautiful bow. Once we have convinced ourselves, we are committed to the manipulated view of reality. It is now our new reality.
How do manipulators sleep at night, you may ask? Easy, we are the victim in every situation. Therefore, we lay our head on our pillow satisfied in our own twisted righteousness.
How would you like to live with me?
I write this not so much to say that I am going to start going to manipulator’s anonymous, but to let you know of a sin. I have lots of them, but this is one of them. I deal with it by recognition. I am continually asking myself “Is this really what I think or am I manipulating the situation?” I pray. I confess. I admit to my family. I read this very post to my family.
Don’t get too smug, we all manipulate to some degree. Some of us are just “better” than others.
Next, I will talk about how stubborn I am and how this negatively effects my theology.
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17 Comments
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Ooooh baby, I’m going to have my husband read THIS one. There really is a lot of deception in those tactics…. all too familiar. Of course, now if he reads this, he will also see my comment….
I’m impressed that you read this to your family. What did Kristy say?
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She said, “I can’t believe you admit that. I have tried to tell people this so many times and I can never describe that this is the way you are!” She was very excited. I not sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing.
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LOL! I feel her pain. We need a support group. She’s right, it’s hard to explain. How does it happen, that when I have a complaint against my husband, he inevitably turns it into an opportunity to blame me ?! It’s those convoluted, diversionary, deceptive arguments! You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself! I think that Kristy was probably amazed and sort-of relieved to hear you own-up to it….. I know I would be.
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Oh, I never realized that Michael and I not only have the same theological bent, but we share the same sinful bent as well. Manipulator, stubborn … that’s me too.
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Oh no, not YOU TOO Leslie! Would Eunice want to join our support group?
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Who’s in?
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My experience with my own kids and my own tendency to manipulate tells me that while you may have convinced yourself of your integrity with regard to your iPod, it is very unlikely you convinced your daughter. I suspect she saw right through it.
Another thought, perhaps not quite on topic: When I was a kid receiving pocket money I then always resented it if my parents tried to tell me what I could and could not, or should and should not, do with that money. My reaction to the answer you gave Katelynn would have been, “If you think someone else needs the money so much more badly than I, why give it to me first and then expect me to give it up again? Go do your own charity out of your own money!”
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Manipulation and stubbornness. Is stubbornness part of control? That is what I struggle with. When things are not under my control, ducks in a row, etc, I can get very upset.
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Wow, I really needed that… I need to pray and repent as I myself also do likewise…
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“Manipulators manipulate themselves.”
Hmmmmmm, not to derail the thread, but when I read that sentence, I thought of the occupant of the highest office in the country….
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LOL…see how he does manipulate…..”let’s just focus on me”….LOL yes, it would seem so CMP…he not only introduces the topic but gives us a real example…LOL
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Aw man, I hate it when you get all honest like that…makes me look at me and my own manipulative tendencies
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Susan, Eunice is so nice a person that she is the exact opposite of me!
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“Who’s in?”
I was raised by, am married to, and am rearing a master manipulator. And I have all three of them beat. Noobs.
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that story related to me in many ways.
im 18 and i am a manipulator
i hate it
i mean i do it to everyone my friends and family and women too
its like theres this other side of me that wants to control everything idk if it’s from my lack of control in situations as a child like i.e my parents getting a divorce or whatever but manipulation seems to be corroding my soul. like i want to be a helpful loving human being and christian. but manipulation is so easy and its a destructive curse i mean at school there are some people that listen to my word very attentively and some of them do what i say. its messed up. i dont want this control really i want to make people happy. i dont want to crush other people to get i want. i mean compassionate and generosity are what makes us strong.
reply to this please
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Wow! I have been leaving with a manipulator for over 20 years. I have recently filed for divorce becuase of the negative choices he has made that have impacted our relationship. I often asked myself how does he sleep at night. I often blamed myself. This post has really given me an insight to the mind of a manipulator. I hope one day my soon to be ex will find peace within himself.
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Wow! reading your confession brought tears to my eyes. It was a big relief to me. My personal story: I was a single mother of 3 till I married a master manipulator, that took advantage of my vulnerabilty, to get his green card. The marriage only lasted 11 mnths, but it has been the most painful experience of my life, even worse than losing my first husband!The lies are countless…families are torn because of this man. He has managed to convince everybody around us, that he is justified for doing what he did. To make matters worse, now that we are seperated, he keeps calling wanting a relationship but not admitting to all the lies…Even as I write now, I don’t know how and where to begin my story! I am still very confused…So thank you for your post. Reading it has given me some strength,and ability to understand his thought process! because I sometimes wonder, how can he still sleep at night, and feel good about himself despite all he has done! Your post answered that question.
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