Twenty-One Ways You Might Be an Evangelical
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Help me out here folks . . . Let’s have some fun and for those (like me) who are Evangelical, don’t take yourself too seriously. (Take note, I am talking about pop-evangelicalism).
I will start.
1. If you are asked about the history of the church and you give the history of your local building campaign, you might be an Evangelical.
2. Believe that hell is going to be populated by Catholics (except for Mel Gibson), the Clintons, Mormons (with a special dispensation for Glen Beck), the staff of New York Times (all of them), Rosie Odonnell, all of the people from the East coast and West coast (with a special hot spot for Hollywood), Brian McLaren, and all Liberals, you might be an Evangelical.
3. If you ask someone how their spiritual life is going and you really mean “Have you been doing your morning daily devotionals,” you might be an Evangelical.
4. If your favorite vacation spot is Branson MO, you might be an Evangelical.
5. If you think Kurt Cameron should get the academy award for best actor in Fire Proof, you might be an Evangelical.
6. If you think abstinence education is the most important need for your children, you might be an Evangelical.
7. If you see someone begging for money and you think it is due to their sinful laziness, you might be an Evangelical.
8. If you have ever handed out Left Behind as an evangelistic tract, you might be an Evangelical.
9. If you know what a tract is, you might be an Evangelical.
10. If you choose a church based upon the selection of donuts and coffee (and price), you might be an Evangelical.
11. If you evangelize by saying, “If you were standing before God and he asked you ‘Why should I let you into my heaven?’ what would you say?” you might be an Evangelical.
12. If your church’s weekly events consists of Men’s Lunch Bible Study on Wed, Ladies Beth Moore Study Teus afternoon, Men’s Prayer Breakfast at Chick-fil-a on Monday, Truth Project Friday’s, Potluck Dinner Every other Sunday, Men’s Accountability Group Thursday, The Passion of the Christ Watch Party Every Saturday Evening, and Men’s Every Man’s Battle Study Group Everyday (Morning and Evening), you might be an Evangelical.
13. If you define missions by your yearly trip to Mexico to start a church and leave within three days, you might be an Evangelical.
14. If you think that the John Ryland’s papyri is the earliest fragment of a church bulletin from Pastor John Ryland’s church, you might be an evangelical.
15. If you think homoousios is the emphatic bill for same-sex marriage, you might be an Evangelical.
16. If your support of the church is determined by parking availability, you might be an Evangelical.
17. If your three cardinal sins are fornication, homosexuality, and voting Democrat, you might be an Evangelical.
18. If you have submitted to your wife and feel guilty about it, you might be an Evangelical.
19. If public witness mean a fish on the back of your car and wearing an abstenance ring, you might be an Evangelical.
20. If you limit yourself to one glass of wine or one beer a week and still hide it, you might be an Evangelical.
21. If you don’t really have any idea what “Evangelical” means, you might be an Evangelical.
Your turn…
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Vance on 26 Feb 2009 at 6:03 pm #
When someone mentions a “sinful lifestyle”, if you automatically think of the sins of drinking, drugs, smoking and sexual impurity, rather than the sins of anger, pride, deceit and the failure to love your neighbor, you might be an evangelical.
drew s. on 26 Feb 2009 at 6:15 pm #
if you worship the bible and not jesus, you might be an evangelical.
Dennis on 26 Feb 2009 at 6:35 pm #
If you have a strong distaste for all books fiction, you may be an evangelical.
(Although fiction, “Your Best Life Now” does not count!)
Vance on 26 Feb 2009 at 6:48 pm #
Dennis, you would have to make an exception for the “Left Behind” series! :0)
JohnFOM on 26 Feb 2009 at 6:50 pm #
If you send bibles to a ‘heathen’ country in Africa with a low literacy rate and get excited by the prospect of a revival from ‘all those people getting a chance to read the scriptures’… you might be an evangelical.
If you think reading Harry Potter is going to turn your poor wee children into foul mouthed, pentagram wearing, heavy metal listening, spell casting satanists you might be an evangelical.
Actually if you think listening to heavy metal will turn your children into foul mouthed, pentagram wearing, Harry Potter reading satanists you might also be an evangelical.
If you think ‘Stalin’ is a Russian translation of ‘Satan’ you might be an evangelical (Oh, and re-read the previous two replacing ’satanist’ with stalinist as well
)
Paul on 26 Feb 2009 at 6:50 pm #
If you’re more concerned about how your pastor dresses than what he says, you might be an evangelical.
Joe on 26 Feb 2009 at 7:44 pm #
If you think the star of Fire Proof was Kurt Cameron, not Kirk Cameron, you might not be an evangelical.
GoldCityDance on 26 Feb 2009 at 9:51 pm #
If you have no doubt that the best non-biblical book ever published is Rick Warren’s “Purpose Driven Life”, you might be an Evangelical.
If you have ever answered an altar call, you might be an Evangelical.
If your favorite male singer is Michael W. Smith and your favorite female singer is actually a tie between Amy Grant and Rebecca St. James, you might be an Evangelical.
Samson on 26 Feb 2009 at 9:59 pm #
If you’re not sure what a hymn sounds like, you might be an Evangelical.
If you can’t spell Tuesday, you may have graduated with honors from an Evangelical Seminary.
Damian Romano on 26 Feb 2009 at 11:17 pm #
#20 almost made me wet myself.
How about…
“If you all your ‘theological’ education comes from TBN, you might be an Evangelical”
roger e. olson on 26 Feb 2009 at 11:57 pm #
If you feel some sort of Holy Spirit compulsion to respond to this, you might be an evangelical.
Tyson on 27 Feb 2009 at 12:00 am #
If you think that Jesus turned water into grape juice, that Timothy was instructed to drink some grape juice for his stomach, and that drinking wine is evil, you may be an Evangelical.
CT on 27 Feb 2009 at 12:05 am #
If you disparage the Mormons and Mother Teresa for emphasizing good, moral behavior, you might be an evangelical.
David Burton on 27 Feb 2009 at 12:23 am #
I despise when someone wants to know how my prayer life is or how I’m doing spiritually. Here is what they are really saying, “We both know that I am more spiritual than you are so I am obligated to check up on you because I am better than you and I want to sound like I really care about your walk with God.” This was a common question when I attended Christ for The nations some 15 years ago. Oh boy, I hated those days. It’s really about control. If you are a close friend of 20 years or family member, you can ask that question. If we just started attending the same church or taking a class together, please don’t annoy me with your evangelical control techniques.
xulon on 27 Feb 2009 at 8:08 am #
The Evangelical/Fundamentalist boundary is being blurred. From that argument, in the early 80s I went to a seminar on the difference between Fundamentalists and Evangelicals. One difference was: Fundamentalists think personal appearance is important, Evangelicals don’t care how they look.
steven on 27 Feb 2009 at 8:16 am #
If, when describing your church, you use the word “relevant”….
Mason on 27 Feb 2009 at 9:23 am #
If you’ve ever been told at camp or youth group that if you want to get closer to God you need to destroy your secular music (preferably in a dramatic fashion, like making a bonfire with the CDs) you might be an evangelical.
If you’ve never read an actual postmodernist author, but know postmodernism is evil because John MacArthur said they don’t believe in truth, you might be an evangelical.
If you think that people who don’t believe in a pre-trib rapture are raving liberals, you might be an evangelical.
If you have ever considered buying a shirt that says “A bread crumb and Fish” or “Fear God” you might be an evangelical.
Eclectic Christian - Michael Bell on 27 Feb 2009 at 9:47 am #
You get offended when people mistake you for a fundamentalist…
(Not to be a killjoy, but half the elements mentioned apply to fundamentalists, and not evangelicals. It is no wonder people confuse the two)
Steve in Toronto on 27 Feb 2009 at 9:59 am #
If your church celebrates mothers day but not Ash Wednesday.
If you worry if Amy Grant is still a Christian.
If you think that when we get to heaven you will find out that I was right all the time.
Steve in Toronto on 27 Feb 2009 at 10:01 am #
If you think John the Baptist was a Baptist.
xulon on 27 Feb 2009 at 10:04 am #
When we get to heaven, you’ll agree with me.
Kara Kittle on 27 Feb 2009 at 10:26 am #
LOL all of these were so funny and true…and let me add
If your pastor rushes home to watch sports…you might be an evangelical
If your grandparents in any way went to your church long ago but you can’t remember, you might be an evangelical
If you think Disney is evil, but you continue to collect movies…you might be an evangelical..
and my personal favorite is…Don’t tell me about kosher!!!!!!! I am free to eat all the pork I want (not realizing kosher means more than that)….you might be an evangelical.
Nick on 27 Feb 2009 at 12:15 pm #
If you admire Benny Hinn as a good person.
If you give money to Jack Van Impe.
If you believe wealth (or lack of) is withdrawn from a faith account.
If you’ve assisted in an exorcision for someone who plays Dungeons and Dragons. (It disturbs me that I’m not making this up.)
If you’ve donated to a Noah’s Ark archeology project.
If you think meditation is the devil.
Is it wrong that I think the words evangelical and ignorant are synonyms?
Vance on 27 Feb 2009 at 12:33 pm #
Michael Bell, I hear you, but evangelicals definitely include fundamentalists, so someone who fits the fundie mold will be an evangelical, but I agree not all evangelicals are fundamentalists.
Still, it is healthy for us evangelicals to reflect on our own foibles or those of the more extreme members of our own larger segment of Christianity.
admin on 27 Feb 2009 at 12:33 pm #
As some have mention, it is interesting that so much of what has been said really applies to fundamentalism. As well, what many are describing is exclusive to the charismatic church.
Carrie on 27 Feb 2009 at 1:01 pm #
If you drink grape juice in tiny glasses and eat small Saltine type wafers for communion (oops Lord’s Supper…communion is too “Catholicy”) you might be an Evangelical yes but you are without question Baptist.
J.R. on 27 Feb 2009 at 1:33 pm #
If you have ever had men use great feats of power (bending steel, blowing up hot water bottles, destroying phone books, etc.) come to your church to entertain prior to delivering the gospel message you may be evangelical.
J.R. on 27 Feb 2009 at 1:48 pm #
If you have ever said your chances of salvation decrease as you get older you may be evangelical,………………….maybe that’s Armenian. (I’m trying to be funny, don’t take it serious!)
Vance on 27 Feb 2009 at 1:57 pm #
Ah, but JR, most Evangelicals ARE Arminian! :0)
Hans Zaepfel on 27 Feb 2009 at 3:58 pm #
If your church cancels Sunday services because Christmas Day falls on a Sunday, you might be an evangelical…
Dwight Baker on 27 Feb 2009 at 4:33 pm #
If you can guess your church’s worship team’s playset by whatever is most popular on the local contemporary Christian radio station, you might be an Evangelical
Greg on 27 Feb 2009 at 5:15 pm #
If you do something like this: http://www.click2houston.com/news/18695333/detail.html#-
You might be an evangelical!
(That’s my church, btw)
Eclectic Christian - Michael Bell on 27 Feb 2009 at 5:53 pm #
Vance,
Evangelicals are now starting to define themselves as not including fundamentalists. For example read:
An Evangelical Manifesto
That being said, your basic premise is correct.
So, in keeping with the spirit of the post.
You might be an evangelical when… you can agree to disagree!
flicka47 on 27 Feb 2009 at 8:15 pm #
Wow,
You folks make me glad I’m Brethern,and from a very moderate congregation at that!
i just dropped in from Shane Vanderhart’s site,and I can’t tell from this post and comments if you are joking about each other,or being snarky with Christians that you disagree with.
Either way, sorry,it is disturbing to see Christians denigrate one another.
steve martin on 27 Feb 2009 at 9:51 pm #
If the food needs to be reheated after you say grace, you might be an Evangelical.
steve martin on 27 Feb 2009 at 11:32 pm #
If you can’t laugh at yourself…you might be a Brethren Evangelical (if there is such an animal)
Jim Getz on 28 Feb 2009 at 9:22 am #
If the words “worship” and “singing” are synonymous in your vocabulary, you might be an Evangelical.
If you think that the Sermon on the Mount is “not for today,” you might be an Evangelical.
If you think that you have to say the “sinners prayer” in order to be a Christian, you might be an Evangelical.
If you own more than one study Bible, you might be an Evangelical.
If you think the signers of the “Evangelical Manifesto” are not Evangelicals, you might be an Evangelical.
Vance on 28 Feb 2009 at 10:46 am #
Flicka,
Mostly joking about ourselves and the churches we grew up in or still attend. Some, however, are indeed being snarky at the excesses we see in the more extreme variations of our own evangelicalism (kind of like chuckling at an odd uncle). But only we, in the family, get to do that! If anyone else does, we would be all over them! :0)
cheryl u on 28 Feb 2009 at 11:56 am #
Hey everyone,
Just a gentle reminder before too much “snarkiness” reigns here:
John 13: 34-35 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” NASB
steven on 28 Feb 2009 at 12:04 pm #
…if it weren’t for Rich Mullins, you’d know nothing about The Apostles’ Creed..
Brian on 28 Feb 2009 at 1:11 pm #
HAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha. I pee’d a little.
steven on 28 Feb 2009 at 3:50 pm #
…if your children or youth ministry has a cutesy name with intentionally misspelled words (i.e. Kidz Klubb)…
Kara Kittle on 28 Feb 2009 at 6:59 pm #
there’s an Evangelical Manifesto??? Wow, now I am really interested in finding out this….
josh on 28 Feb 2009 at 7:16 pm #
If you just stopped by to quote Bible verses at people…
Jonathan Enns » Blog Archive » Signs you might be an Evangelical on 28 Feb 2009 at 7:55 pm #
[...] M. Patton over at Parchment and Pen writes twenty signs you might be evangelical. Here are a [...]
Andy on 01 Mar 2009 at 6:40 am #
The minute a foreign national comes to your church, you start by saying, “I have a friend in ______, do you know him/her,” you might be an evangelical.
Luke on 01 Mar 2009 at 3:18 pm #
You have gone into the Christian bookstore looking for help on living the Christian life.
Considered Christianity to be a list of do’s and dont’s instead of a change of heart.
Participated in any study by Beth Moore or Max Lucado.
steve martin on 01 Mar 2009 at 10:36 pm #
If you start questioning the baptisms of mainline church members.
steve martin on 02 Mar 2009 at 1:22 am #
If an auditorium is good enough to worship the Living God in… but not good enough to get married in.
Ken Blatchford on 02 Mar 2009 at 11:53 am #
If you think it is a God given right to enjoy a potluck and bless this to the nourishment of our body amen. … You might be an evangelical
Jonathan Enns on 02 Mar 2009 at 1:50 pm #
When doing dishes, If you wash the inside of the cup and forget to wash the outside….you might be an evangelical.
Kara Kittle on 02 Mar 2009 at 3:27 pm #
If you can quote more movie lines than Bible verses…..
JL on 03 Mar 2009 at 3:46 pm #
If you have tried to read thru the Bible in a year and have gotten to Exodus every time before quitting
steve martin on 03 Mar 2009 at 4:28 pm #
‘If you need a new ‘how to’ book on the Christian faith every two months, because the gospel just doen’t quite cut it for you.’
C SKILES on 03 Mar 2009 at 7:09 pm #
If you leave a tract instead of a tip, you might be an evangelical.
Chuck Fry on 04 Mar 2009 at 8:24 am #
If you consult the Barna poll and Reveal study rather than simply go to the Scriptures to develop your ecclesiology, you might be an evangelical.
Chuck Fry on 04 Mar 2009 at 8:25 am #
If you don’t know what the word, “ecclesiology” means, you might be an evangelical.
Jim on 09 Mar 2009 at 12:43 pm #
I think maybe it should say “Evangelical from the USA”…. not saying evangelicals elsewhere are better, but they should have their own lists – this one is pretty country specific!
Dan on 16 Mar 2009 at 4:22 pm #
If you think believing in Creation is all about the meaning of the word “day” you might be an evangelical
Mark Nielsen on 18 Mar 2009 at 12:15 pm #
If you know that “Discover the champion in you” is the slogan of the current top tv preacher in the nation, and not the latest Nike ad tag line, you might be an evangelical.
[So you can probably guess that I was laughing hard at Dennis' comment #3 above, poking fun at Joel Osteen... and as a reader/writer of fiction (mostly secular, because so much of the Christian stuff is art-less and clumsy), all those Left Behind references got me giggling, too. BTW I did a blog of my own on the Osteens today... click above if you're curious.]
flotsam & jetsam (3.19.09) : EX vilis CATHEDRA on 19 Mar 2009 at 3:21 pm #
[...] You might be an evangelical if….hilarious. And a complimentary piece. [...]
what is evangelicalism anyway? « theology spong’s “33 words” on 23 Mar 2009 at 8:44 am #
[...] 23, 2009 by timspong Most people really have no clue although one writer tried to pin it down here. Possibly the best explanation I have read is: “evangelicalism is a temporary cultural expression [...]