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God Bless the Broken Road
by Lisa RobinsonFebruary 15th, 2009
14 Comments
As Valentine’s Day was approaching, naturally the atmosphere was thick with merchandise marketing and sentimental expressions befitting the spirit of the day. So it was no wonder that as I was driving into school the other day, the radio station that was tuned in to my car, hosted callers telling of their significant others, the meaningfulness of their relationship and the proclamation of their love for the other. One person has been happily married for 22 years, another 30 years and another 14 years, all indicating how glad they were to have so many years together. I thought it was nice, even though I am mindful that we never know what goes on behind the scenes. Still, the fact that they would get on radio for these declarations is telling enough. Even better, the fact that is was a Christian station, I would like to believe that these were marriages centered in Christ.
But then I reflected on my own life and marital history, which stood in stark contrast to what I was hearing. Responding to immature impulses, I married at 22 to escape my rebellion to the Lord only to plunge myself into a deeper spiritual abyss replete with unwise choices, most notably my marriage. Divorced 4 years later and continuing my pattern of rebellion and poor choices, that eventually led to husband number 2 in 1997. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit so seized my heart in 1999 that I came running home to Christ but would have to endure 5 more years of an unequally yoked marriage marked with loneliness, unkindness, and chronic illness. This was not a marriage that I would make announcements about on public radio. My commitment to Christ, would not allow me to walk away although many times I certainly wanted to. When I was widowed in 2004, I held out hope that one day my disasterous trend would reverse one day. Four and 1/2 years later, I still hold out hope despite the legacy of brokenness.
I applaud God’s design for marriage and moreover those who are committed to it. The idea of two people that are submitted to each other in a way that reflects Christ and His church, as indicated in Ephesians 5, is a beautiful thing. That kids will be exposed to two parents committed to Christ, to each other and to them is the most beneficial of circumstances and, I imagine, really honors God in the process. Single parenting, though done by many, seems to circumvent this design. I, for one can attest to the challenge of filling a dual role that often leaves me feeling inadequate to the task and even worse, a second rate substitute to an ideal scenario .
In the Christian community, I hear much of the need and prescription for godly, healthy marriages that will indeed promote a healthy home. In fact, the other day at chapel, Kurt Bruner, Executive Director of Strong Families Innovation Alliance, spoke on the theology of the home in which he pronounced an urgency to focus attention on commitments to marriage and to child rearing that honors Scripture and grounds the household in Christ. This urgency is driven by the fact that as kids are transitioning into adults, they are leaving the church at an alarming rate. The solution, he says, starts in the home. He is not alone with his assessment because it does seem that whenever I hear messages that rise awareness to the crisis in families there are usually the correlations made to divorce rates, absentee fathers and single parenting.
So while I wholeheartedly agree with the prescription of healthy homes, I must admit that I am often troubled at the prospect that my life, my home, my circumstances do not measure up. I hear the concern that the Kurt Bruners and John Trents and James Dobson’s are raising in reclaiming families from the mire of the current cultural crisis. But in the process of describing what a home should not look like, I wonder just how many homes actually do. Not just any homes, but those headed by folks that follow Christ. How many homes are filled with people, broken people, who want nothing more than to honor Christ and His word concerning marriage and family but find themselves in less than desirable circumstances. And when confronted with the picture of domestic health they are echoing a chorus so familiar to me, “but my home or my life or my circumstances do not look like that”. I fear that despite most earnest efforts in the midst of unfavorable circumstances, that parents will be held hostage to guilt, fear and recriminating attitudes of those who would castigate them for not fitting into the perfect mold. I know that I have felt this way more times than I care to count.
Because let’s face it, many of us have had broken lives, tragic experiences and less than ideal circumstances. Some of this happens before marriage and some of it happens during marriage. I think it would be wonderful if this were not the case, if every household that claimed Christ as head looked like the picture of Christian family health: a mom and dad equally united in the task of Christ centered marriages and parenting, obedient children who are respectful of authority beaming with the love of Jesus in their hearts…no divorce, no abuse, no wayward children, no troubled histories. But I suspect there to be cracks in this picture in a great many homes, even the equally-yoked, Bible reading, church going, devotional doing, Awana club winning, praying ones.
I think we need to be honest about these realities, that there is brokenness where brokenness exists. Because where it does, there can also be healing. And I’m not talking about the Dr. Phil self-help, make yourself feel better remedy, but about presenting wounded hearts, broken lives and outstretched arms to God the Father who provides healing through Christ the Son. And I believe that God does His best work through such situations, to show the overarching extent of His love, grace, mercy, sovereignty and divine providence even in instances instigated by sinful choices. Don’t get me wrong, I am mindful that natural consequences are a by-product of bad choices. But I am also reminded that where sin abounds, grace abounds even more (Romans 5:20) and that God’s glory can best be shown through cracked pots to proclaim His remedy in spite of our helplessness (2 Cor 4:7) He can work it all out His good and His glory in way that is for our benefit.
I bank on this in my life and my home, in spite of the fact of the crooked path and shattered legacy. I don’t like the picture that has been painted by painful and marred brush strokes but I delight in the divine eraser that only God can apply to make beauty out of ashes. I personally do not believe the ministry opportunities that I’ve had and new ones opening up and even future ones unseen, would not exist but for tasting the goodness of the Lord in the midst of undesirable circumstances. As David says in Psalm 119:71, it is good that I have been afflicted to learn of the decrees of the Lord. And I believe I have grabbed hold of God’s word in a way that I would have not otherwise if my life had looked different, like the model picture. It has caused me to cling to Him even tighter. I also cannot count the numerous times that I have been comforted by those with equally shattered pasts, that in turn has enabled me to help others.
So for those of us who strive to live this life honoring God, proclaiming His Son, yielding to His Spirit, revering His word and guiding our homes despite failure and fragmentation, I can only hope that God will bless the broken road to demonstrate His majesty, power and overarching love and the fact that only He can truly put the pieces back together of any shattered dream.
Thank you for listening to this deeply personal tale. I hope that someone is encouraged by it.
PS: I promise to get back on theological track next time 
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14 Comments
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Lisa,
Thanks for your post. I believe it was very relevant and know that many will be encouraged by it. If theology is “done in community” and ministry the name of the game, we’d be doing a disservice by not taking about the real, tangible, difficult things of life (though admittedly difficult to discuss). You reminded us that it is through these trials that our eyes are drawn upward to His holy hill from were our help comes. It truely is through the hardships that we learn all the more who God is and how to trust Him. It is in and through these times (even if by our own poor choices) when His grace is all we have left we find that it is sufficient.
The Christian circles I’ve largely lived around were very plastic and guarded. There were false fronts of perfection. This has caused a lot of undue angst in my life and walk with Christ as I failed to measure up to the standards in my mind, standards that everyone else was easily meeting, or so I thought. I believe one of the best things the Church can do is be real with one another. Thereby we will truly mister and depict Christ to the broken. We’ll then be able to facilitate growth together, in light of, and, perhaps, in spite of our failures and brokenness.
Thank you for the reminder that it’s, “not I but Christ” (to quote Jonathon Falwell).
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Creation, Fall, Redemption.
You’re in the process of being sanctified. (As are we all). God bless you.
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Lisa, even though I have been married for 38 years, you might be surprised to find that I could actually connect with what you wrote. Within the Christian community the voices are loud that tell us what a marriage should look like. Usually the presentation begins with a declaration that men are miserable creatures who do not know how to listen and are demonstrably incapable of emotional depth. Then the presentations follows with endless droning about how wives are unappreciated and intellectually marginalized. I’m sure both of these are frequently true. Then the solutions follow in which men are enjoined to pray more, be more sensitive and to participate in an assortment of other solutions equally banal. On the other side of it, there is a constant stream of sermons announcing the evil of divorce and decrying the fact that divorce among Christians is just a frequent as among those who do not know Christ. What gets stuck in my saddle is that all of this talk misses the point. Much of the teaching of the evangelical church has painted an unrealistically tranquil picture of the ideal marriage and then lambasted us for not achieving that ideal. Those who have divorces are quietly labeled as failures and their discipleship either ignored or shunned altogether. The fact is that even the best of Christian marriages is populated by two people who are broken, inadequate, and intrinsically sinful. I’m sure there are those marriages that thrive in an continuously rewarding experience. I’ve never seen one, but I’m sure they are there. The rest of us try hard, fail regularly, repeatedly seek forgiveness from God and from each other. Some days, even some years are relatively good, some are almost unbearably painful. The message of Christ is not that we are failures for not achieving an ideal, but that we remain faithful in the face of failure. Marriage models Christs relationship with us and with the church in that he remains faithful even when we individually and collectively are astonishingly unfaithful. And when marriages break apart, Christ remains faithful and will continue to use and bless the broken partners and forgive whatever needs forgiveness. His grace in doing so is no less or more costly than the grace necessary to forgive those who remain in marriage and daily fail to live up to an ideal.
I’m not sure any of this makes sense to anyone but me. All I’m getting at is that the core of the issue is not whether or not we are able to produce and sustain ideal homes and relationships but whether we are able to continually return to him for grace and forgiveness.
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Thank you for this post.
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I normally do not shout, “Praise the Lord, Alleluia!”, but when as I was reading the post, that’s what my heart was ‘shouting’. Great, realistic post, Lisa.
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Lisa, I hear you. I too have known the years of loneliness of the marriage which was supposed to be one of those great Christian marriages, only it turned out not to be. Twenty-one years was a lot of years to be raising my children in Christ without the help of my husband. A lot of surviving his temperament ….. anger…. insults. I didn’t feel part of things at church, even though my husband attended with me, because I felt like I was suffering a lot in our marriage, but couldn’t really tell anyone, or if I tried they wouldn’t understand.
And, you Lisa, know my story. My husband, whom I thought was a believer when we married (so did he), finally came to true faith in Christ last year. Have things changed? Oh yes! My husband is changing like crazy. The past few months of our marriage have been the best so far. So, what was God up to? After all, I always asked (in my single days) that God would give me a husband who loved Him more than me. Wasn’t that the right thing to ask for? How come I had to go through 21 super painful years? Well, I probably am only beginning to know the ways in which God has been using it, and will use it…… but I know that He has chipped away at me through it. There’s nothing like long-suffering to strip one of worthless pursuits, and put one in a place of great dependence upon God. This is how we become more useful to Him, more available to Him. This is how we learn to trust Him. At least, that is part of what He has been doing in my life, little by little, all of these years. Now my husband is trying to play catch-up after so many years which he now considers to have been a waste of his life. We have a new testimony to tell others. I believe that God will use our story to help others. I walked down a really hard road for many years, but I stuck with it, believing that that was the right thing to do. I’m so glad that I did. I can’t wait to see what God will do next!
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Lisa, Thanks for sharing your broken heart at this time of year. The thing that strikes me is a response to the words in chapel. My mother came from a background of no parents as a foster child. The odds were not with her yet God brought some wonderful people into her life. I pray for this for your son as well. You don’t have to do it alone. There are many wonderful people who are concerned for children without fathers. I know of a man at my church who believes this is his highest calling, working with boys who don’t have fathers (no matter the reason). There are big brother groups and ministries that could come along beside you and give him great male role models while you wait to see what God has in mind for your life. Our brokenness is God’s opportunity to show how much He can do to provide for us and those we love. Thanks again for sharing.
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Ozzie and Harriet families do not exist in reality.
We are all broken creatures. That means that our relationships will all be broken to one degree or another.
God does use our sin for His purposes.
Thank you, Lord, for putting your broken children back together in yourself, our Savior, Christ Jesus.
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Lisa, great post . And Charles equally wonderful response.
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Thanks for your honesty, Lisa. As Steve said, we are all broken, sinful creatures. I like to remember 1 Peter 4:16-19…….if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name…..therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.
Isn’t it wonderful to know we can put our souls into the hand of our faithful God? That we can trust Him with our very deepest parts?
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‘I fear that despite most earnest efforts in the midst of unfavorable circumstances, that parents will be held hostage to guilt, fear and recriminating attitudes of those who would castigate them for not fitting into the perfect mold. I know that I have felt this way more times than I care to count.’
This particular part reminded me of the Pharisees. I am thankful that Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted, proclaim really good news to the poor, and set captives free.
Lisa, I believe you look like Jesus more today than previously.
I love your heart. It is after His.
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This statement might have sounded patronizing in the previous comment – Lisa, I believe you look like Jesus more today than previously.
I meant it with a sincere heart. You are moving towards Him more and more. I wanted to encourage you.
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Scott, thanks for that, brother. And thanks to all for your kind comments. I was a little nervous of posting something so baring but your feedback has suggested that we really need to drop the pretense. I have been really encouraged by your comments. I have heard this phrase use countless times, “fake it til you make it”. I’m not sure that really honors God or is beneficial to the body of Christ.
Susan, one thing that used to really bother me is how little attention and teaching was paid to spouses (mostly women I think) who were in unequally yoked marriages. I can’t tell you how many sermon messages I heard that directed advice to the man on how to be with his wife (or visa versa) as if all spouses were there. I wanted to yell at the preachers “he’s not here to hear you”…duh. I think that contributes to making people feel like they can’t say anything as you indicated was your experience.
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Right Lisa, and in my case, my husband was present physically…. but his heart was very unresponsive. I used to hear such sermons, and radio talks and think….’Well, what if I am doing the right things, but he isn’t….. then what? My circumstances were miserable no matter what good sermons were heard. I heard Dennis Rainey interview the author of Love and Respect (if I’m thinking of the right person). In that book women are instructed to show respect toward their husbands, and then the husbands will in-turn give the wife the love she longs for. In my case, that formula didn’t work. Dennis Rainey finally acknowledged that some will continue to suffer. He said, essentially, ‘We need to teach people how to suffer well.” I so appreciated that insightful comment. That spoke so much more to where I was…. suffering and enduring…. no end in sight…. no magic solutions. I’m guessing you know exactly what I’m talking about.
You are right. Pastors never seem to discuss those marriages where one is a believer…. walking with the Lord, and the other is not.
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