My Twenty Year Voyage into Theology
Rewind 20 years: 1988
Walking past the sign at John Marshall High in Oklahoma City which encouraged students to come to Bible study at 6:30 in room 208. Not me. No, not because I did not like the Bible, but because it would be filled with nerds whom I did not want to be associated with. I smirked as I thought that the only reason they were taking this path was because they could not be like me—cool like me. Sure I went to FCA, but all the cool kids did. One kid even approached me, Davey Peirce, and asked me about Christ. I remember his exact words. “Michael, I want you to tell me more about this Jesus Christ.” “Sure,” I responded, “I will get back to you.” I never did. He asked me because I seemed to know a lot about the Bible during that session. Indeed, relatively speaking, I knew more than most. But Christ was a hamper to my style. My indulgence would have to be put on hold if I walked that path right now. I told Christ that I would be back after high school. I was just too busy.
Fast-forward 5 years
With Smashing Pupkins and Blind Melon playing in the background, I lay on the carpet face down in Arizona on my best friends floor in his room. It had now been three years since I told Christ I would be back and here I was. Dropped out of school (although I took my fathers tuition money), drinking every night, playing Madden 93′, living part time with my girl friend, stoned and making jokes about how I would not live past 21. As I lay on the floor, I told the Lord I was sorry. I just did not know what to do. “Lord, forgive me. I don’t even want to be different and for this I am ashamed.”
Fast-forward 1 year
At my apartment in Oklahoma City alone late at night. I happened to have a copy of C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity. I read through it over a weeks time. I was still living it up, but now a comtempative fear and unsettled emotion continually gripped me. “What? What do you want? I don’t know what to do? I don’t know how to change my desires.” This book further confirmed what I had known all along (and believed). Christ is indeed who he says he is. I am his. “I don’t know how Lord. Give me the desire to have the desire to serve you for I don’t even want to right now. But I want to want to.”
One night after reading the book (I really don’t know why I am telling anyone this!!), I had a rather odd experience that really scared me. In one of those times between awake and asleep, I felt the sudden presence of many evil entities in my room. I know that this is really strange coming from me, but, whatever it was, it shaped me at this time. These “entities”, it seemed to me, were all holding me down and I could not get up. My eyes were open, but I did not have any control. Suddenly, there was an incredible evil in the room. One greater than all the rest. It seemed to search me and examine my will, thoughts, and temptations. After this spiritual examination, this entity said (not audibly), “He is nothing. Don’t worry.” He then left. He said this after he examined how I could be tempted sexually. Since then, I have always been afraid that I would overcome much, but sexual temptation may be my downfall. Still don’t know what I think about that night.
Fast-forward 1 year (keeping track? 95′)
Cycling in and out of my spirituality, looking to my friends like I have multiple personality disorder from hell, I met with Chet Lackey. He was my pastor whose church I would go to before I would hit drown night at the Dug Out. “Chet, I have this crazy urge that has been building inside of me. I don’t know what else to say but I think I am supposed to serve the Lord . . . maybe even . . . ahem . . . go to seminary.” Chet was always so gracious and caring. He love me. I know he did. “I think you are too” was his response. “Wow!”
Fast-forward 6 months
Digging through my mothers book cabinet looking for anything that had the hint of Christian or Bible, I found a series of tapes from Insight for Living. Suffering was the subject. Chuck Swindoll? Never heard of him, but mom says he is the best. So I begin to listen to them. I listened so many times that I had the sermon memorized (still do). Job suffered so much, but would not deny God. I had suffered none, but denied him all the time with my inability to completely commit to him.
Fast-forward 3 months
Chet died. Why? He was very young. His wife, Suzanne, said that I was going to carry on his legacy. Ha! What a joke. But I gave her a hug and dreamed that one day I could be like Chet.
Fast-forward 3 months
Crying by my bed comptemplating my failures. I was drunk and had just sunken lower than I had ever sunk. It seems that every time I would “get out” of the life of sin, I would get back into it and multiply my sin and condemnation ten fold. This failure had come just after I had finished a teaching series called the “All-American Bible Study.” What a fool I was. All these people came to my teaching for months. I talked about the truthfulness of Christianity, the importants of the Scriptures, the prophecies about Christ, then I do something like this. I was making a mockery of Christ. “Lord,” I said with tears in my eyes, “Just leave me alone if I am going to do this! Why can’t I change. I truly want to now, but I don’t find the strength.” The next morning (Monday) I got up and recommitted myself (like I had done a hundered Mondays before). Friday came around and this is the time I fall. Over at a friends house, everyone was preparing for the night. They were all fixed up and in wonderment about what the night was going to hold, how drunk they were going to get, and what girl they would wake up with. I was there with them. The mini fridge opened and my friend offered me a beer. I started to reach out to get it, but I stopped and declined. “Oh, have you quite again” he said in a mocking way” (justifiably so). “Yes.” “Okay, we will see you next week” he said as I went down the stairs to go home alone. I hesitated, almost went back up, and then went on down. I never came back to that life.
Fast forward 6 months
I have a new PC Study Bible computer program. I read the Bible every day. I carry commentaries to work. I memorize large sections of Scripture. I am writing a book, just finished my 100th page. It is called “Defending the Faith to the Next Generation.” I was a know it all. I would scorn you for not reading the Bible as much as me. I had all the answers, theological and practical. Most people just tried to stay away from me. Even my mother said “Michael, all you want to talk about is the Bible.” “So!” I thought to myself, “You sound like you don’t love God as much as me.” Ouch! What a turn around.
Fast forward 1 year
I was now the student body president at American Christian College and University. It was a charismatic school and I was not a charismatic. I sat down by Fred every day in class. Fred spoke in tongues, I did not. When I first began talking with Fred I felt I needed to convert him. He just needed some good theology and I was just the man to straighten him out. But as I got to know Fred I realized that he really did love Christ—the same Christ as me! How can that be? He speaks in tongues. My professor believed that Jonah was a parable and denied inerrancy. But he seemed to love Christ just like me—the same Christ. Ninty-nine percent correct with one percent false equals one-hundred percent false! Right? Well, I was rethinking some things.
I was now working at Southwest Radio Church. It is the longest running Christian radio program in America. It was KJV Only. I was talking to a girl on the phone who asked if KJV was the only version one could be saved by. According to my employer, this might very well be the case. But I was very uncomfortable with it. I began to study the text and the history of the Bible. My employment ended a few months later as I was in the office with the President and said that I could not, with good conscious, work there anymore.
Fast-forward two years
It was my first class at DTS . . . more to come.
[I will be at ETS all this week so it may come later rather than sooner]
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Scott Ferguson on 18 Nov 2008 at 6:52 am #
C.S. Lewis?! Blech. On man’s poison …
About your night time experience, don’t freak out. They’re called waking dreams. I have had them myself. In my case, I have seen giant red cockroaches, rats or wasps in the bed. Even after waking up and calming down, I always check under the pillow – it just seems too real! Ojn e time I even got up and started to go outside, reacting in a waking state as if the dream had been real and I was still in it.
I have read accounts in the skeptical literature of numerous people having waking dreams more akin to yours – unable to move, a sense of other presences. The seeming paralysis is explained by the fact that your brain inhibits the ability of your muscles to react while dreams – otherwise you would act out your dreams every night as sleep walkers can do. In the middle ages these waking dreams and sleep paralysis spawned the belief in night hags. In modern times sufferers’ minds fill in the details with stories of alien abductions. You may decide that this history is evidence of demonic forces interpreted through the lens of contemporary beliefs. I would hope that you take some small comfort in the possibility that the mind, especially in the dream state, is an imperfect instrument and that sometimes the smooth coordination of everything that happens while sleep breaks down a little leaving the brain with the task to make sense of something outside its normal experience.
Cadis on 18 Nov 2008 at 7:45 am #
I hope this story gets better cause up to this point your quite the loser
and the shame of it is, minus the wierdo dream , it’s pretty typical 
Typical of the non-nerd crowd. I wonder what the testamonies of those that attended the 6:30 Bible study turned out to be? One of thier stories could have a possibility of being impressive
Scott Ferguson on 18 Nov 2008 at 9:10 am #
I forget to mention that waking dreams often feature a sexual component. Night hags were said to leave men exhausted the next day by “riding” them all night. And we’ve all heard the weird stuff relating to alien abduction stories.
Rev. Bryan Johnson on 18 Nov 2008 at 9:28 am #
Thanks for sharing your “voyage” with us. As one of those “tongue-talking”
preachers, I have experienced similar trials in my spiritual journey. Now after
13 years of ministry I am back in the classroom working on my M.A. ( at a
Catholic University of all places!). God Bless your efforts-Keep the Faith!
Scott Ferguson on 18 Nov 2008 at 9:34 am #
Ah, Cadis, the 6:30 crowd. How many nerds out there have ever felt inadequate because they didn’t have a lying-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-vomit testimony to share? “Well, uh, I always went to church and stuff.”
Vladimir on 18 Nov 2008 at 11:08 am #
I’m not quite sure why you are chiding Michael thus. So he follows in the wake of St. Augustine or that loathesome John Newton (Amazing Grace).
I thought “where much is forgiven, much love is shown.”
Vladimir
Cadis on 18 Nov 2008 at 11:19 am #
Vladimir,
I was basically saying just that through poking fun at Michael. Many many people will be able to identify with Michaels testimony. I’m not one. Womanizing and drinking til I vomitted was just …I don’t know…not lady like. I had my limits
I think Scott is serious but I’m not
Scott Ferguson on 18 Nov 2008 at 12:46 pm #
Nah, I’m teasing, too – mostly.
J.R. on 18 Nov 2008 at 12:46 pm #
I appreciate your honesty Michael.
Your testimony is extremely similar to mine with a few exceptions. I have not had the experience you speak of with forces holding me down and I have not attended seminary nor do I teach at my church. Sometimes I think I may have married the wrong person but who doesn’t. I thank God for my wife because she’s who I prayed God would bring into my life on many occasions during “bed spins” after a night of tequila shots. Does God listen to a drunk’s prayers? I believe He did in my case.
All through my rebellion and disobedience God always seemed to bring someone (nerd?), maybe just for a moment into my life to remind me of His calling and my rebellion. In boot camp at San Diego, at a bus stop in Oceanside Calf., J. Vernon McGee on the radio, people I worked with, a young pastor knocking on doors in my neighborhood, all with a common message, the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Finally, after years of running, and by the mercies of God, I ran into His arms, broken, filthy, and ashamed of what I was.
Since then I’ve had an insatiable appetite to understand my beliefs and the word of God. In my zeal I have approached some of my old drinking buddies maybe a little too strong in presenting the Gospel. I pray what little knowledge I have is not presented in arrogance. May I learn to be patient and let the will of God work in those I love, much like those nerds who met with me many years ago.
Attending your classes at Crossings I hear and see your zeal and passion for the community of believers. If I may give one loving critique, some of us are the lowly dirt farmer behind the plow. Can you slow it down just a little? I don’t mean dumb it down. There is a tremendous amount of information to explore and chew on and little time to digest. Not having anyone with the same desires in theology (your program) to discuss/teach what I’ve heard and/or learned makes the understanding process go even slower.
C. Barton on 18 Nov 2008 at 1:32 pm #
Thanks for the honesty and courage to tell it for real. Demons are real, but they obviously don’t know everything. Look what happened when Jesus died! Satan was defeated forever, amen!
Satan tempted Jesus with world dominion in the desert. What a goof! Jesus was already the ruler of the world, and would receive the crown of victory. He knew this. The devil didn’t.
The Scriptures tell us that a righeous man might fall a hunderd times, but he gets up and keeps going. Kind of reminds me of Rocky; he gets knocked down, the last ounce of strength ebbing from his mind, but he keeps getting up and finally lands the KO to win the match.
And the Bible tells us ahead of time that we will prevail with Christ.
Maybe that’s one of the reasons that He gave Peter a new name, “Rocky”?
Susan on 18 Nov 2008 at 2:49 pm #
Michael, I too had such a night time experience. I was in college at the time. I was the Christian girl, who went to Christian HS and two years of Christian College…. then I transfered to a state university. I met a guy in one of my classes who I started hanging around with. We never really dated although we had that sort of relationship. He told me from the beginning that he was a Christian. Good enough for me. Before I realized that he wasn’t, I was very attrracted to him. My friendship with him began to errode my morality. I finally decided I needed to rid myself of him. Then, I woke in the middle of the night to an experience much like yours. There was a ghost-like figure standing next to me. He looked like a miniature man with a robe, long hair, and a long beard. All I could see was his whiteish outline and details in the hazy white. He had hold of a chain which was wrapped around me and he was pulling me down with it. I had that tremendous awareness of evil. It really shook me because it was incredibly real. You can believe I talked to God that night.
I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this before. My assessment is that God allowed me to see that there was demonic activity involved in that relationship. That there was a spiritual force which was attempting to disarm me as a believer through this ungodly person. This made an impression on me which has always stayed with me.
C. Barton on 18 Nov 2008 at 4:06 pm #
If I may be so bold: sometimes a Christian takes a foray into sin, maybe an affair, or pornography, or stealing, or whatever, and the demonic forces move in to create a bondage of GUILT! And because some are convinced they “brought it on themselves”, they voluntarily suffer in a prison of silence and self-condemnation.
Well, I’ve got some good news for you: God has a salvation adventure waiting for you, and it doesn’t include staying in that snare! Let God’s Word heal you from all of those manifestations and dirty tricks, and just because it was the result of sin doesn’t mean you are abandoned, NO! quite the opposite.
Demonic attacks are frightening sometimes, but that’s about all they can do, really. They just try to psych you out so you give up, but they have no real authority or power like the Truth has, or like His holy angels have.
Truth Unites... and Divides on 18 Nov 2008 at 4:31 pm #
I like your story. Eager to read the next part.
Damian on 18 Nov 2008 at 5:13 pm #
Thanks for sharing Michael. I love the honesty of your comments! Keeping things real.
RB on 19 Nov 2008 at 12:26 pm #
this whole thing seems self-centered MP- such as
“”oohh look at me, see what i have done?”"
but i really do not know you nor have we met, just reading your post as you have entered it………
Kevin on 19 Nov 2008 at 1:24 pm #
Dude! Smashing Pumpkins! Awesome!