“Can a fake threat be justified?”

No. This is a general issue, not just applicable in marriage. Fake threats damage relationships instead of healing them.

“Should we counsel people to say “Until death do us part” or “Until death do us part, God help me.””

Obviously, people should be wholly committed before marrying. But I think counseling pre-marital couples about legitimate reasons for separation and divorce, as well as informing them of the different degrees of separation that can be enforced prior to a divorce, would be helpful to both parties and society in general.

I’ve concluded that sometimes a divorce can be the most loving thing a person can do for her spouse. I valued a healthy marriage more than a healthy husband. And that was wrong. If I had allowed myself to consider divorce as a legitimate step from the beginning, my husband may have been motivated to conquer his addiction years ago. Regardless, I would not still be suffering the pain of that…

Related to the first question is your question, “Do you think that there are boundaries that justify this threat other than abuse and infidelity? How about just a miserable marriage or “illegal divorces”?”

I think a case could be made for viewing marriage vows as a contract: Party A promises X,Y, & Z, and Party B promises X,Y, & Z. Therefore, if Party A breaks a promise, then Party B is released from her obligations. So, assuming that the promise to love was included in the marriage vows, the first time either spouse treats the other in a manner devoid of love, then the marriage vows are null and void. Again, this interpretation would give all of us grounds for divorce, but should not be taken lightly or used as a free pass.

I believe there are justifiable boundaries in marriage that are not delineated in the vows. For example, is criminal behavior grounds for divorce? I would think so, but I don’t have a biblical basis for saying so other than the two arguments already…

I am making my way through your posts on divorce, and this is the 2nd I’ve read. I am currently separated from my husband due to his porn addiction. The issues of divorce, separation, fulfilling my vows, etc. have been on my heart and mind for the past few months. I see that no one has answered your questions directly, so I wanted to give you my opinions based on what I have learned through my own journey.

First, “Is the threat of divorce ever justified outside of infidelity or abuse?”

I would not have had an answer four months ago. But now I say yes. My pastor said that the only biblical justification for divorce is infidelity, but if you define infidelity as Jesus did in Matthew 5:28 (“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.), then all of us are guilty of adultery.

Does that mean all divorces are justified? No, of course not. It is clear that God hates divorce. But there is a place for it.

Surely the threat of divorce points to a fundamental issue with the marriage. If there was no big problem, the subject wouldn’t come up; and it a spouse were to threaten divorce, could the issue be so simple to fix that they would be persuaded not to take it any further.

When couples are thinking about divorce, in the majority of cases it’s because they have reached a point where they don’t think they could go on. However, there are many steps leading up to divorce that most couples will go through in order to fix a damaged marriage. Plus, what kind of relationship would exist after the threat has been withdrawn?

Nice post.

I hate divorce. Interestingly enought the bible never justifies a woman leaving the man, only the man the woman because of fornication.

To ask if the threat of divorce is justified is to ask if divorce is justified outside of the 2 big reasons Christians tend to accept :physical abuse and sexual infidelity.

Married Christian women are absolutely taken for granted by lazy Christian men. I think the only reason that the divorce rate is higher now among Christians than it used to be is because more women have the financial ability to leave. Before almost all women had to remain in a marriage no matter how bad it was. Now they don’t have to, and many aren’t.

When people find out that I asked my husband to sign a prenuptial agreement in advance of our marriage they are often surprised and sometimes shocked. People ask me why I would get married if I was already looking at a scenario where we might split and our assets be divided, but the truth is that I am a realist. Inspired piece about divorce. keep up the good work.

Yes … as much as I hate to admit it, sometimes the threat of divorce is needed to reclaim equality in the marriage. If one person’s needs are dominating the marriage (dishonesty, anger, drinking, infidelity) and they need to realize that the other person has limits of what they can tolerate.

But I’d also say that it is a last-resort threat and should be used sparingly.

I am in situation #1 that you described and as my husband always does what he wants more or less, he says that it is my problem that I am unhappy.
Actually, God did use threats in the form of prophets, but he planned to carry them out if demands/criteria were not met. There are certain “rules of the game” that marriage partners are supposed to follow, such as acting unselfishly as much as possible and wanting to live in harmony through loving acts and communicating with attentiveness and consideration. So, if the partner who is not a follower or seeker of the ways of Jesus refuses to do anything about making the marriage a give and take situation as an expression of love, then I believe that that person has no concept of love and needs a threat or two! This may sound like retribution, but when a marriage is non-functional it really renders the Christian relatively ineffective as a witness, when she cannot see any good coming from it.
God hates divorce but when it paralyzes a believer then I think that it is ok to threaten divorce. In the Bible it says that if you are married to an unbeliever then you should wait until they divorce you. Maybe the threat is what they are waiting for. Maybe God wants us to realize that we are being ineffective and that we could threaten divorce and that would make the spouse choose our ways or their ways. Like Pharoah, they can choose to listen to God or not; the husband can become a Godly husband or listen to his base instincts.

I’m a newlywed and I think this is an interesting and valid thought. My husband has a sense that I’m not going to leave him because of the babies and his parents modeled this for him. That worries me because his mother was unhappy and he doesn’t seem to mind if I’m unhappy. For instance, we are poor right now and he doesn’t even care. I suffer so much because of our poverty. I don’t mind being temporarily broke and moving forward but we don’t seem to be moving forward and it’s making me sad.