Top Twenty Theological Pick-up Lines NOT to use

Seeing as how I used to be a singles pastor, I thought that I would give you some of the tips that I gave my singles on how NOT to lure the right one to your side. (Thanks to Carrie for her help!)

20. “I am not overweight. The word ‘glory’ in Hebrew is kabod which according to HALOT literally means ‘heaviness.’ The Bible also says that we are to reflect God’s glory. Therefore, I am just doing what the Bible says.”

19. “Looking at you makes me reconsider preterism, because you are heaven on earth.”

18. “Paul said that it was better to marry than to burn. Therefore, I am under God’s mandate to marry you.”

17. “Here, let me take care of those tithes.” 

16. “You may not have chosen me, but I have chosen you.”

15. “I could not help but notice you were exegeting me instead of the text during the sermon.”

14. “Your name must be grace, because you are irresistible.”

13. “There are six things that motivate me to talk to you, yea seven that turned my head.”

12. “Until this moment, I thought I had the gift of singleness.”

11. During communion say, “Can I get you another drink.”

10. “The Bible says that God is not concerned with outer appearance . . . neither should you.”

9. “The Good Book said that I might be visited by angels unaware, but something must be wrong with my interpretation, because I am perfectly aware of you.”

8. “I noticed you crying during alter call, can I help?”

7. While giving her a TULIP say, “This Totally depraved person has been Unconditionally drawn to you, Limiting himself to your Irresistible beauty that is Persevering beyond all others.”

6.  “God may be the bread of life, but you are the butter.”

5. “The sight of you leaves me apophatic.”

4. “Well, gouge out my eyes and cut off my hands. If I hang around you much longer, I won’t have any limbs left.”

3. “You must have missed the Fall line, because you are lookin’ righteous.”

2. Sing this to the tune of George Strait’s “Chair”: “Excuse me, but I think you’ve got my rib.”

1. “Are you homo or homoi?”

16 Responses to “Top Twenty Theological Pick-up Lines NOT to use”

  1. Is this some kind of a joke? My wife didn’t fall for a single one of these. None of them work.

  2. That was great!

  3. To paraphrase John Wesley: “When I saw you I felt my heart strangely warmed.”


  4. hahaha! will definitely pass those on to my single churchmate friends :D (hopefully some of us will get the more technical terms as we’re enrolled in a leadership class…) but right now i’m too lazy to look up “apophatic” and other such terms :p God bless y’all! ^_^

  5. How about this sleazy one…

    “God says that my body is a temple…feel free to worship”

  6. s/b altar, not alter.


  7. OUCH!!

    It hurts!!

    Make it stop!!!


  8. Carl D'Agostino July 12, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Sure is wonderful to have a little humor and laugh at ourselves in good taste and hope the grumpy old guys get sent to comedy school instead of heaven or …. But shall we love our neighbor’s wife or not covet our neighbor’s wife? I like the NT approach.

  9. A girlfriend of days gone by used to tell me her favorite verse of the Bible was – “If any man will come after me, let him….”

    She didn’t stay single for long. :-)


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