“It is not good for man to be alone”: A Theological look at Singleness
“God’s ultimate will is for you to get married.” “In order to be fulfilled, you have to find your ’soul mate.’” “It is not good for you to be alone.” Sound familiar? These are common statements that are made within the church by well meaning pastors and teachers. But are they true? Does one have to be married to find dignity in God’s creation? Can someone contribute in a significant way to society, culture, and the church if they are not married? Does Genesis 2 teach that one must get married or, in God’s eyes, “it is not good”?
Let’s put this into perspective. How many out there are single? “With the increase in the divorce rate, the increase in the age at which people first get married, and with our increasing longevity, the experience of being single is now one of the most widely shared experiences of adulthood,” according to Bella DePaulo (visiting professor of psychology at the University of California-Santa Barbara). Single people now account for more than 40% of the adult population. This is up from 28% of all adults in the USA three decades ago. Now do you see the relevance of these issues? The church has done well dealing with a theology of marriage, but has not contributed much with regards to a theology of singleness.
Seeing as how I was a singles pastor for six years, I thought that I would give my theological “gems” of singleness to the blogworld. Well, I really only have one right now, and it is more like a piece of sand just before it makes its way into the mouth of an unsuspecting oyster. It may cause some irritation, but in the end, it produces something valuable!
The early chapters of Genesis give us some great foundational principles about human dignity and purpose. It is in these chapters we learn that man is the crowning achievement in God’s creation. It is here that we learn of God’s intention of placing all creation under the vicarious care of mankind. It is also here that we learn of the completion of humanity through the creation of the woman from the rib of a man. It is this last revelation that I have found gives singles much difficulty. The the discouraging thought is that being single makes me incomplete.
For those of you who don’t know, there are really three kinds of singles: 1) Young singles who are content and searching for a mate (usually in their early 20s). 2) Older singles (divorced or not) who are not content and searching for a mate (from mid-twenties and up). 3) Singles who are content in their singleness and not searching. My contention in this post will apply to all three, yet have a greater relevance to the second group.
Here is the proposition that I want to put forth: The theology of Genesis 2 in relation to the creation of the woman for man has implications for humanity in general, not simply for the marital relationship. When God said “It is not good for man to be alone” I believe this must primarily be taken in the sense of humanity in general. It was not good for man to be the sole representative of the human race. If God had left the situation as is after the creation of Adam, His image would not have been represented completely. God created woman to complete His image and thereby complete what was lacking in humanity in general. While Adam was the sole beneficiary of the woman at the time of creation, he represented all of humanity. Eve was created to complete Adam, but she also represents the completion that women bring to humanity in general.
What does this mean for singles? It means that men and women contribute to the image of God by their participation in humanity. If you are single, you, as an individual, still contribute to the completion of God’s image by your participation in society. In other words, singles don’t have to find a mate in order to find relevance and dignity.
When I teach Humanity and Sin in The Theology Program, I often start with this question to women: What do you like most about being a woman? I ask the men What do you like most about being a man? Whether it is my local students or my students all over the world, there is much commonality to the answers. Men, among other things, will always say that like being providers and protectors. Women, among other things, will always say they like being nurturers. Why? Because this follows God’s unique design for the sexes. I am a complementarian believing that God has created the sexes with unique gifts and roles that complement each other. Being such, I believe that the way in which we find dignity as individuals is to appreciate our distinct sex roles in the society, the church, and the family.
Taking the answers that I am given in the Humanity and Sin course, I then ask the men and women how it is that these innate and distinct pleasures are expressed in a godly way. Then I ask if these pleasures can be expressed outside the marriage relationship. After some time, everyone agrees that men can protect and provide even without a family. As well, women can nurture outside of the family structure. How? Because both sexes contribute to society in general in these ways.
Women nurture society, not just their immediate family. Women are those who nurture all God’s creation. Nurturing is much more than an act in a relationship between a mother and child. It has to do with providing beauty to the world in general. The beauty is expressed in so many ways. It also has to do with the emotional care and stabilization that they provide through their acute ability to sense needs and care for pains in a way that men are, often times, oblivious to. I know that when I am down and need someone to talk to - when I need someone to nurture me - the last person I will call is another male. I always seek to talk to a female. Why? Because they are the only ones who can contribute consistently by their understanding, tenderness, and compassion. This is a gift to the world that represents an essential part of God.
Men provide and protect society, not just their immediate family. Men are those who have a strong sense of their role to be physically strong and protective of those in need. While this does come in the immediate family, it also is a responsibility that God has given to all men, married or not. Single men should not see themselves as alleviated from this role simply because they are not married. All men should be ready to come to the aid of all those in need. Men are leaders and should not feel unfulfilled if they cannot lead within a family. Their leadership is a gift to the world that represents an essential part of God.
God’s ultimate will may or may not be for you to find a mate. If it turns out that you remain single for the rest of your life, this does not mean that you are alone. You are part of the “good” that God pronounced on creation, married or not. You have distinct roles that God has given and you are a gift to creation.
BTW: The last two sessions of my Humanity and Sin course deal with these issues specifically. You might want to check them out. You can watch them for free.
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Threepwood on 11 Jun 2007 at 8:05 am #
This is a great subject to bring up. I am also a “complementarian” (didn’t know the word before.) and have often wondered why in the recent decades it is that the whole “equality”, especially with women’s lib, issue has been so vehimently argued. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that women can vote and have equal status, they are part of humanity as well. But to go so far as to say that women can do everything that men can do and visa-versa? I have always appreciated that the two genders are different.
Men can’t give birth. Likewise women in general, won’t be as strong as men. Etc. etc. Each contribute to society. If we didn’t have one, it would be unbalanced. Thanks for this.
C Michael Patton on 13 Jun 2007 at 1:18 am #
You bet. Thanks for the response.
Sara on 14 Jun 2007 at 9:26 am #
I don’t agree 100% with the complementary view due to the fact that there are always some people who don’t feel as if they fit into the general charateristics of their gender, and this feeling often stems from the unique traits that God gave them. Telling them to deny those traits would be erasing the reason God felt compelled to give them to them (such as certain women who are completely turned of by acts of nurturing, but feel compelled to take positions of leadership where they are able to better fulfill the gifts God gave them).
But I’m a horrible person to argue against complementarism because I am very comfortable with being a woman, and I do feel fulfillment by taking care of my students who range from being 2 to 35 years of age (with a great deal of my 20-30 years olds acting like 2 year olds!). I’m very grateful for the post, for I am making the cross over from the early-twenties-and-happy-about-being-single to the mid-twenties-and-getting-depressed-about-being-single. I keep needing a reminder that being single (especially being a Christian single) may just be a gift in itself. If only I could find a way to covince everyone at church, and my mother, this…
RussBob on 14 Jun 2007 at 11:13 am #
In some ways, I also believe this issue is related to the Christian sub-culture
that you have discussed recently. I know my church experience is
certainly different than for couples. I can identify with Sara’s comments
from the standpoint that family, church and culture in general
(especially the Christian sub-culture) has a tendency to look down on
singles in the church. Many churches and ’singles groups’ focus on
preparing for marriage, meeting other people, etc. and not so much on
developing character and gifts that God has given us. I think this
shows up in youth groups too. (Not sure how
you approached your single groups Michael, just making a general
statement here). Quite frankly, it can get depressing even going to church
and visiting family. The church actually reinforces a need and
expectation to be married. I also find that this ‘pressure’ does get to many
singles in the church and they force relationships which do not end
up going well. Anyway, just my perspective.
sgmen31 on 17 Jun 2007 at 12:04 pm #
First, I am a category 2) type male and I lean more toward a
Complementarian point of view then an Egalitarian point but
if I meet a woman who feels she’s been led by God to pastor a
flock and all signs indicate her life bears fruit then I do question
which way is the more correct way. I would seem to me that God calls
and uses those he needs and maybe the men just haven’t stood up
enough in certain areas like Russian where many woman pastored and led
over the years because there weren’t men around to do so.
As for being single I live with it. In all honestly, I got married at 27 and was
divorced before my 30th birthday because I was only like “5″ years old when
I married. I was god….and I had a resume to prove it. No marriage can last
with two gods in one house and you know the rest of the story.
I’m just growing up now (maybe I’ll be 20 soon…smile) and I am dating but
I will wait on him to provide at age 40. However, I am resolved to the fact
that if I don’t meet anyone then it is God’s plan for me and I need to accept it
which is not easy to do.
Also, I agree with the above post that not all women have (my words)
nurturing qualities and some can in fact lead and so forth.
God Bless to all this Father’s Day!
Stan