My mother had an “episode” yesterday during therapy. They said that it could have been a seizure or another stroke, but they cannot tell. I guess her functionality is so impaired that there would be no symptoms to be able to gauge what happened. I am heading to Arkansas to see her tomorrow morning, so I may not be able to blog much between now and Sunday.
As well, (and I hesitate to share in fear that my father might read it) my father has his court date coming up next week. I know he is scared, and so am I. When Angie died, he started drinking quite a bit. He blames himself for her death I think. All he can think of is that he was supposed to protect her. He was the last person who saw her the morning of her death. She asked him if he knew where her keys were. I think he said he was busy. My mom kept him in line as she has always done. But now that she is the way she is, I just don’t think he knows what to do. He has had three DUIs in the last two years. Not good. But . . . you know what? I don’t know what to say to him. I think he just wants to die and go be with her. I love him very much and even though we did not have much of a relationship, he is the greatest dad in the world (he really is). I don’t know anything worse than him going to jail. He has too much pride, but I guess things have changed. I don’t really know if he trusts the Lord. I have asked before, but it always seems so strange. I always feel like an 8 year old when I talk to him. I get scared.
Really, when I think of it, I have lost a sister and now have a mom that can only sing “itsy-bitsy Spider,” but he has lost a daughter and now has a wife that does not know his name. I am sorry dad, if you are reading this. I don’t blame you for your disillusionment with life. I don’t blame you for trying to escape it. I don’t know what to say. I, like you, can’t fix anything. I wish I could. I thought I could. But I can’t.
You know, I don’t know how people make it who don’t believe in God’s sovereignty and knowledge of the future. I really don’t. I don’t know what I would do if I thought that God was sitting on the edge of His seat wondering what was going to happen next. Is God a cheerleader, a coach, or a player in the game? I guess that is the question. Let’s just say, in my mind, if He is a cheerleader, He is awfully irrelevant, even if He is a cheerleader who loves me. But since I believe He is calling the shots and He is in control of the “game,” I can make it through this and whatever else comes my way. It’s His program and I trust that He knows what He is doing. He has yet to lie to me. God has never promised me anything that He has gone back on. I dare not put a covenant in His mouth. Confusion is part of my life, but not total disillusionment.
I know it will all work together for good, I really do, but oh that it would come to a conclusion one way or another. I hope we are in the fourth quarter. Right now, I feel like I am in mourning delayed or mourning denied with my mom. With Angie, it is mourning postponed. But the game will go on.